Monday, November 28, 2011

It's not me... it's you...

Dear Blog,

I have been an absent participant in this relationship.

I am to blame.

You bore me.

I feel like we have nothing to say to each other anymore.

I'm starting to doubt that I am commitment material.

Or maybe that you're worth the commitment.

Either way, I stopped putting in the work a long time ago. I've come back. I've tried to make things like they used to be... and I just... I don't... I'm not...

I need some inspiration. And you are clearly not giving that to me.

Fine. Fuck it. We'll give it one last shot, in the form of a list...

The Soundtrack of my Life: 10 songs that should be played at my funeral. On repeat. In no specific order.

10) I'm Too Sexy- Right Said Fred

Some might say this is a painfully obvious choice.  
But cliches wouldn't be cliches if they weren't obvious...

~Lyrical proof this song is about me~ 

I'm too sexy for my shirt too sexy for my shirt
So sexy it hurts
And I'm too sexy for Milan too sexy for Milan
New York and Japan
And I'm too sexy for your party
Too sexy for your party
No way I'm disco dancing

9) Damn, It Feels Good To Be a Gangsta- Geto Boys:

By the time I leave this earth I'm fairly certain my street cred' will be the stuff of legends. But for those elderly folk who aren't hip to my playa wayz, we'll bust this cut with a little bass...

~Lyrical proof this song is about me~

Damn it feels good to be a gangsta
Feedin' the poor and hepin out wit they bills
Although I was born in jamaica
Now I'm in the us makin' deals
Damn it feels good to be a gangsta
I mean one that you don't really know
Ridin' around town in a drop-top benz
Hittin' switches in my black six-fo' 

8) Black Pudding- SWV:

Because in death, as in life, I aim to offend as many people as humanly and/or inhumanly possible. 
~Lyrical proof this song is about me~ 

Must be Jell-O, 'cause pudd'n don't jiggle like that
Yeah ain't that a fact
Pull out your spoon
And let's begin the mixing
Always in the bedroom
Never in the kitchen
You can get busy
WIth your head beneath the blanket
Flip it, spank it, gettin' buck naked
'Cause women in the 90s want more from a brother
Than a part-time lover, who's wack undercover
So, brother, do your duty when it comes to the bedroom:
Don't let him eat the pudd'n
If he ain't got the head room
So, dip, DIP, dive if you wanna be a diver
Sport a helmet with a light
Like an old gold miner
No need to taste test
The puddn's always fresh
So, brothers, wear a bib if you're gonna make a mess

7) I Just Died In Your Arms Tonight- Cutting Crew:

Assuming of course that my funeral is on the very eve of my death... and that I was actually in someone's arms at T.O.D. There will need to be some pre-mortem planning done to make this relevant, but I'm willing to do so at the benefit of my funeral playlist. 

~Lyrical proof this song is about me~

Oh, I just died in your arms tonight
It must have been something you said
I just died in your arms tonight

6) Maneater- Hall & Oates:

I wasn't a huge fan of the movie Alive, nor do the ways of Jeffrey Dahmer entice me... but I do love me some benjamins... a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do (wink, giggle, dry heave)

~Lyrical proof this song is about me~

So many have paid to see
What you think you're getting for free
The woman is wild, a she-cat tamed by the purr of a Jaguar
Money's the matter
If you're in it for love you ain't gonna get too far
Oh here she comes
Watch out boy she'll chew you up
Oh here she comes
She's a maneater

5) Easy Lover- Phil Collins:

No. Explanation. Required. 

~Lyrical proof this song is about me~

She'll get a hold on you believe it
Like no other
Before you know it you'll be on your knees
She's an easy lover


4) Every Rose Has It's Thorn- Poison:

Sure, it may be the ONLY song Bret Michaels remembers the words to. Sure, it may be about a stripper. Sure, it could be catagorized as a power ballad. But truer words were never spoken. So sing on, Bret, sing me to my maker.

~Lyrical proof this song is about me~

Every rose has it's thorn
Just like every night has it's dawn
Just like every cowboy sings a sad, sad song
Every rose has it's thorn

3) Fuck You- Lily Allen:

Jill says "Fuck". And my British alter ego's name is Lily. 'Nuff said.

~Lyrical proof this song is about me~

Fuck you
Fuck you very, very much
Cause we hate what you do
And we hate your whole crew
So please don't stay in touch

2) Wind Beneath My Wings- Bette Midler:

I will dedicate this song to my minions. I'm hoping to have some by then a'la Blair Waldorf on Gossip Girl. And during the final verse of the song, I will be rigged like a puppet to sit up in my casket and spit on them one final time... (insert diabolical laugh)

~Lyrical proof this song is about me~

 It must have been cold there in my shadow,
to never have sunlight on your face.
You were content to let me shine, that's your way.
You always walked a step behind.

1) Take This Job and Shove It- Johnny Paycheck:

Because apparently nothing short of death will get me out of that shit hole job of mine... 

~Lyrical proof this song is about me~
  One of these days I'm gonna' blow my top
And that sucker, she's gonna' pay
And I just can't seem to wait
Till I get the nerve to say
Take this job and shove it
I ain't working here no more're all invited. There will be dancing.