Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Hasn't Thailand Been Through Enough...

Dear Ashley Hebert,

You're a stupid bitch We need to talk.

Considering we don't know each other all that well at all, I feel it my duty as the one who detests you most in the world an unbiased observer, to let you know what you're doing wrong. The list is long. So buckle up But don't worry, there's really not that much.

Now I bore witness to how well you handled The Roast, so I'm gonna have to ask you to man up here and take this for what it is... a blatant and unabashed character assassination constructive criticism.

I would first like to touch on your shit suck questionable taste in suitors. There are a few I'd like to hump I can let slide. I can grasp the appeal of JP, despite the jealous little bitch tantrum he threw on Monday his insecurities.

I sort of understand the "Bryman College Drop-Out to Bryman College Drop-Out" "Dentist to Dentist" draw of Blake. There may be a heterosexual redeeming quality in Mickey, though I have yet to see it. But that's it, you dumb hooker Ash. That's really all we're working with here.

I mean, have you even looked at what is surrounding you on these dates?

Flat Face  Stingray  Ben C.

Marshall from ALIAS  Raging homosexual craving the love and support needed to come out to his friends and family  James without the "J" 

This guy... 

...who I actually think might also be...

...this guy... (in the biggest hoax pulled on the American public since The Parent Trap)

Byron from The Bachelor Season 6  Kato Kaelin  Ummmm... ? ? ?

And there are others so void of anything remarkable that I have nary a wise ass thing to say that I won't go in to.

And then to send West home?!?!?! He was so lucky to escape the talons of your inadequacies cute. I just want to kick you square in the teeth for eliminating the only man worth tuning in for don't understand.

Furthermore, we need to reevaluate what an insufferable whore bag you are who you are as a person. Are you aware that you are currently representing a Reality TV franchise that has been the most important thing in my life a small part of my Monday nights for over 20 seasons? You are forcing me to seriously consider throwing you in front of a moving train There are things you could work on.

For starters,

  • Your voice. Perhaps, instead, shut the fuck up try listening. 

  • Your understandable raging insecurities and constant need for reassurance. Why not try jumping off a cliff affirmations and confidence?
  • Your pathetic and nauseating obsession trouble getting over the dickiest dick that ever dicked Bentley. Might I suggest, dignity?

  • Your plethora of half shirts. Just because you have a nice stomach, does not mean you are required to trounce around like a 2-bit 80's crack whore show it.

In conclusion, I really do hope that this letter can help inspire you to eat shit become all the wonderful things I doubt know you can be. You are truly a thorn in my ass unique individual. I wonder weekly how I will be able to stomach another 120 minutes of you wait until Monday to see what happens.

Disappear Take Care,

The One Who's Existence You Are The Bane Of  Jill


  1. LOL you're are freaking hilarious! I do hope you send this letter in. Please, send this letter!


  3. Well said my friend.

    I'm just stunned that this is the best NBC could do at this point.

  4. LOL! This is hilarious and I don't even watch The Bachelorette!! My roommate does and tells me all about it...

    The "Marshall from ALIAS" bit had me choking on my water!!! LOL!