Sunday, June 12, 2011

Dot, dot, dot, is better than, like, just a period...


First, I would like to formally apologize on behalf of Best Buy for the late arrival of this post. The distinguished members of the elite, and aptly titled, Geek Squad made the uneducated and ill-advised decision to monkey my shit up... which is to say, they held my computer hostage for 2 1/2 weeks, erased all of my information, and then returned it to me with a diagnosis of "Ummm, we couldn't find anything wrong with it". So fuck you very much Best Buy, and a pox on the wild pack of geeks that forced me to spend most of my weekend trying to remember what programs I used to have access to.


Now on to the show...

As far as doozies go, 'twas a doozie...

It began innocently enough. Ashley chose Flat Face for the first one-on-one. Which really just solidifies her impeccable overall taste. I mean, this guy... Not only is he a direct descendent of the order Myliobatiformes, or stingrays, as they are more commonly known, but he is also one of those super awesome dudes who lacks formal training in the art of Shutting The Hell Up For One GD Second So The Bitch Can Squeeze A Word In. That's my favorite! 


And to answer my own quandary from last week, The Bachelorette fo' shiz has a hand in planning the dates. And I know this with absolute certainty based solely on what transpired in the first 15 minutes of last week's episode.

I have two words for you...

ASHLEY'S DUMB ASS CHOREOGRAPHED A SURPRISE FLASH MOB AND DUPED HER WILDLY AWKWARD AND SPACIALLY UNAWARE DATE INTO STAGING A PUBLIC AND NATIONALLY TELEVISED DANCE PERFORMANCE!


Okay, that was more than two words... But simply writing "Flash Mob" could not begin to demonstrate the absurd and altogether mortifying spectacle that was forced down my throat (that's what she said). And don't you fret, she gave him the rose, igniting false hope in every Johnny-Virgin-Band-Major in America.

The group date was a work of undeniable genius. I must credit the masterminds behind this enterprise, as I'm sure Ashley herself could NEVER come up with ANYTHING as entertaining as "The Roast".


That's right, folks. In an apparent fit of mental, emotional, and social ineptitude, Ashley Hebert, who was ripped from the arms of Brad Womack by her own pathetic insecurities, agreed to let a pack of what could only be described as former Delta Sigma Phi pledge masters with a barbaric need to "prove themselves men", get onstage in front of a packed house and roast her. 

Pure. Comedy. Gold.


But not in the way intended, of course. These asstards wouldn't know funny if it kicked 'em square in the naughty bits. I imagine, whilst listening to each bachelor deliver his cornucopia of bathroom humor, small titty digs, and playground bully chants, my face looked like that of someone who had just watched an entire busload of her family executed individually. It was appalling on all counts.

But Wedding Date William hammered it home with personal insults that cut so deep I actually felt bad for the hooker. She cried. The date was ruined. Blahdy, blahdy, blah... 

**Note to Producer: Please God, do a roast every season. I beg of you.

The final one-on-on was with not altogether revolting, JP. They sat around her temporary squatting grounds in their sweats and drank wine and told each stories. Which is actually kind of an awesome date... if you're on it... with someone you like... as opposed to watching it... happening... to someone you loathe. If the latter should occur, bust out the Saved-By-The-Bell-Jessie-Spano-I'm-So-Excited-No-Doze-Crack-Pills cuz it's gonna be a LONG night. 


But in fairness to Ashley, because I am a fair and non-judgmental gal, she HAD just been at the losing end of a round-house kick to the ovaries courtesy of Bentley. So there's that...

Which is a lovely segue, if I do say so myself, to the crown jewel of this episode...

~The Bentley Files~

I have to say, I wrestled with even writing about this. I know that there are guys out there like Bentley. I've met them. Vertically stunted, small penised, Napoleonic, Cro Magnite assholes that literally get their rocks off dicking women around. I've never understood it. And I hesitate to give this prick any more attention than he's already received. So I will truncate Bentley's long overdue departure into succinct bullet points so as to not encourage any more thought on the matter.

  • Bentley is a flaming piece of shit
  • Bentley tried to play Ashley on national TV to promote his "trampoline fun center" (that is not a joke)
  • Bentley said horrible, assholic, hurtful things about someone he didn't know to gain notoriety (BTW, I recognize the irony. "Hi Kettle? This is Pot. Ummm, you're black")
  • Bentley gave Ashley false hope for the future in the form of "I still want to keep, like, the dot, dot, dot there. Dot, dot, dot, is better than, like, just a period" because he's a pissing coward who can't just tell it like it is
  • Bentley is under the false impression that he matters
  • Bentley exploited his daughter to gain sympathy from Ashley
  • Bentley is a flaming piece of shit
In conclusion, he left the show.

And SPOILER ALERT:: Rumor has it he's coming back this season. One can only hope it's for public castration. 

I'll keep my fingers crossed.

Oh yeah, and that raging super douche took off his mask... My vote is for him to put it back on. And maybe take some time to think through his decisions a little more thoroughly...




3 comments:

  1. Nicely put. Do you ever think we are going to get to the point where we don't want to stab ourselves in the ear with a rusty stake? This season seriously has me contemplating becoming a cutter. Fo real.

    ...the only thing saving me from committing Bachelor/bachelorette suicide is The Bachelor Pad.

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  2. Y'know, I don't watch this show, but you're making me want to.....I don't know if that's a good thing or not!

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  3. I am now hooked on The Bachelorette and I don't know what to think of myself for that. I'll just say it's research so I know what is going on while reading your blog.

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