The infiltration of completely irrelevant people informing us that they are, in fact, relevant and the world, in turn, agreeing out of sheer apathy and laziness.
Granted, this has been happening for years under the radar. Look at the Paris Hiltons & Lindsay Lohans & Kirstie Alleys of the world (I'm just saying what we're all thinking. She has done nothing of note since Cheers besides Oprah-ing it up on the scale... and yes, the Look Who's Talking series is included in that. The Incredible Expanding Woman is for a circus sideshow not Hollywood).
They design a line for Wal-Mart, or snort a line at Wal-Mart, or eat enough to fill a Wal-Mart, and all of a sudden the sacred pages of my US Weekly are spattered with faux facts and Caught With Cellulite, Bikini Beach Bod paparazzi pics of these "I'm sorry, who?"s. And you could not imagine the immensity of the fuck I do not give.
I want Beckham & J. Garn & that fine ass dude from the Motorola Xoom commercial! I want my trash to mean something.
But lately, this rubbish I'm bombarded with isn't worth the money I spend on my People subscription... and I don't spend ANYTHING on my People subscription, it was a gift from Santa and Mrs. Claus.
A) Way to squash the meager hopes of Melissa Rivers and Meatloaf, no doubt sentencing them to a lifetime of binge eating in dark spaces and self-mutilation. Do you feel good about yourself?
B) YOU'RE fired! (Insert cheese ass snake bite hand gesture here) And take your doppelganger son-sation with you when you go.
I stopped caring about this guy around the time I started my period. It was 1990. I was 11... (bit of an overshare, my apologies). It was the same year that I stopped caring about Kirk Cameron and Ricky Schroeder if that tells you anything... which it should. And since, this schmo hasn't done ANYTHING attention worthy that doesn't fall under one or more of the following catagories:
- Violence Against Women
- If You Can Crush It, You Can Snort It
- Nonsensical Catch Phrases
To be fair, his "wife" is likely closer to the xy chromosome side of things... and that jaw line could cause anyone's eye to wander, if only to avoid searing her likeness into your subconscious for a future starring role in your worst nightmare. But SHE'S A KENNEDY! And really, who are you? Mr. Universe? Circa 1967. The Terminator? Rode that train to the end of the tracks in 1991. The Governor of California?... I'm actually going to blame California for that one.
But seriously, the ugly ones are supposed to stay put. Is it all of a sudden preposterous to think that at least the trolls will remain faithful? (I'm looking at you former members of the United States government)
And again... BARF!
The former Bachelorette has apparently announced that she will be hosting her own talk show.
I often look to unfunny, frump-a-dumps with piercing whines and resumes that feature "Facebook Ad Sales" as a career high to bring the hard-hitting journalism and celebrity interviews that I so crave into my living room. Hey Ali, I have an idea who your first three guests should be before that pre-typed & signed cancellation notice comes across your desk (please see aforementioned nobodys)
Also, please wear more yellow and Converse All-Stars, cuz I just can't get enough of your signature style!
Listen, I am not a hard girl to please... Okay, that's actually not true at all... But regardless, we must revolt. We, the huddled masses, should be deciding who matters. That's what this great country is all about. No more water cooler gossip about middle-aged has-beens, no monetary exchange to witness the incoherent ramblings of a coked-out 80's kinda-used-to-be, and no Tivo-ing talk shows hosted by reality sluts. We are taking back the night! Dammit, we are taking back the grocery store check-out line library!
Now who's with me?!?!