Friday, May 20, 2011

Your Irrelevance Is No Good Here...

There is a fairly recent and wildly disturbing trend I've noticed that gives me cause for concern. And it can no longer be ignored.

The infiltration of completely irrelevant people informing us that they are, in fact, relevant and the world, in turn, agreeing out of sheer apathy and laziness.


Granted, this has been happening for years under the radar. Look at the Paris Hiltons & Lindsay Lohans & Kirstie Alleys of the world (I'm just saying what we're all thinking. She has done nothing of note since Cheers besides Oprah-ing it up on the scale... and yes, the Look Who's Talking series is included in that. The Incredible Expanding Woman is for a circus sideshow not Hollywood).



They design a line for Wal-Mart, or snort a line at Wal-Mart, or eat enough to fill a Wal-Mart, and all of a sudden the sacred pages of my US Weekly are spattered with faux facts and Caught With Cellulite, Bikini Beach Bod paparazzi pics of these "I'm sorry, who?"s. And you could not imagine the immensity of the fuck I do not give.

I want Beckham & J. Garn & that fine ass dude from the Motorola Xoom commercial! I want my trash to mean something.

But lately, this rubbish I'm bombarded with isn't worth the money I spend on my People subscription... and I don't spend ANYTHING on my People subscription, it was a gift from Santa and Mrs. Claus.

Donald Trump:

No, you don't get to see Obama's birth certificate. Why? Becasue YOU DON'T MATTER. You are a D-List cheater with bad teeth and worse hair and you masturbate to your own "power" on-camera because you get to fake fire other D-Listers who are only on your foot-in-the-door-of-the-reality-TV-franchise-bally-hoo because they are savagely attempting to resuscitate their once mediocre, now non-existent careers.

A) Way to squash the meager hopes of Melissa Rivers and Meatloaf, no doubt sentencing them to a lifetime of binge eating in dark spaces and self-mutilation. Do you feel good about yourself?

and

B) YOU'RE fired! (Insert cheese ass snake bite hand gesture here) And take your doppelganger son-sation with you when you go.


 Charlie Sheen:

I stopped caring about this guy around the time I started my period. It was 1990. I was 11... (bit of an overshare, my apologies). It was the same year that I stopped caring about Kirk Cameron and Ricky Schroeder if that tells you anything... which it should. And since, this schmo hasn't done ANYTHING attention worthy that doesn't fall under one or more of the following catagories:

  • Violence Against Women
  • If You Can Crush It, You Can Snort It
  • Nonsensical Catch Phrases
Two and a Half Men can be split in to three equal parts and divvied up amongst them, as far as I'm concerned. I do know some people who think that show is the bee's knees, but they are also the people who tune in regularly to King of Queens... in syndication. And if you are moments from defending the comic genius of "That Sitcom With Ducky From Pretty in Pink" as it is often referred, let me stop you right there... They got Ashton Kutcher to replace Charlie... no amount of chunky child comedic timing can unsink that ship. Not winning.

Arnold Schwarzenegger:

Barf, dude! Who IS this guy?

To be fair, his "wife" is likely closer to the xy chromosome side of things... and that jaw line could cause anyone's eye to wander, if only to avoid searing her likeness into your subconscious for a future starring role in your worst nightmare. But SHE'S A KENNEDY! And really, who are you? Mr. Universe? Circa 1967. The Terminator? Rode that train to the end of the tracks in 1991. The Governor of California?... I'm actually going to blame California for that one.

But seriously, the ugly ones are supposed to stay put. Is it all of a sudden preposterous to think that at least the trolls will remain faithful? (I'm looking at you former members of the United States government)

And again... BARF!

Ali Fedotowsky:

Who?

Exactly!

The former Bachelorette has apparently announced that she will be hosting her own talk show.

Brilliant.

I often look to unfunny, frump-a-dumps with piercing whines and resumes that feature "Facebook Ad Sales" as a career high to bring the hard-hitting journalism and celebrity interviews that I so crave into my living room. Hey Ali, I have an idea who your first three guests should be before that pre-typed & signed cancellation notice comes across your desk (please see aforementioned nobodys)

Also, please wear more yellow and Converse All-Stars, cuz I just can't get enough of your signature style!

 

Listen, I am not a hard girl to please... Okay, that's actually not true at all... But regardless, we must revolt. We, the huddled masses, should be deciding who matters. That's what this great country is all about. No more water cooler gossip about middle-aged has-beens, no monetary exchange to witness the incoherent ramblings of a coked-out 80's kinda-used-to-be, and no Tivo-ing talk shows hosted by reality sluts. We are taking back the night! Dammit, we are taking back the grocery store check-out line library!

Now who's with me?!?!

18 comments:

  1. "I stopped caring about this guy around the time I started my period. It was 1990. I was 11..."

    .....winning!

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  2. This post is all kinds of awesome. And so so true. And I'm so so glad I'm not included in your list of irrelevant people.

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  3. Yes yes yes! I especially do not get why that Ali girl is hosting a show. What? Who cares??

    You're sort of awesome. I like.

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  4. Love this! Especially the Ali chick. I;m embarrassed to say I occasionally watch the Bach. Shows and thought it was even a new low for them to choose her!

    Nice work.

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  5. Words of sober truth, to be sure. Or truth, I think. Cleverly written anyway.

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  6. I thank them for their irrelevance, as it gives us something to laugh at and provides us with terrible catch phrases that we will later insist must be voted out of the vernacular.

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  7. Just who is this Ali chick? Arnie I recognize (gag, Maria could have done so much better), and Charlie I wish I didn't recognize.

    Just shows why I'd rather read blogs than watch the headline news.

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  8. This post was exactly what I needed today. I spent 30 minutes last night watching a re-hash of a reality show (seriously, there was nothing else on) and one of the two "expertcelebrity commentators" I had never heard of before AND she had never before seen theshow being discussed. WHAT? Yeah, and she'll probably be on the cover of the next People, too.

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  9. As much as I'm loving this witty, brilliantly biting, sarcastic post (and I am), it's my very favorite kind of humor and you do it well. I just want to put in my two cents regarding California being responsible for Arnold. I'm a Republican and I didn't even vote for that dip wad. As a Californian and informed voter, I knew he was a fake then and am not surprised now. I"m just glad that Oprah has finally used her power for good and dissed him publicly. Now hopefully he'll sink into the sunset forever. This is truly a hysterical post. I'm going to go read it again. Great start to my week! Following.

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  10. Oprah dissed Arnold?? What!?! Where why when!

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  11. Oh, so enjoyable to read. Thank you for your spot on post.

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  12. "...the immensity of fuck that I do not give." Priceless. And my sentiments exactly when it comes to these people our reality TV society pays way too much attention to.

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