Tuesday, May 24, 2011

And So It Begins...

 
So, here we are, my fellow reality TV whores... Please to strap yourself in as we embark on yet another installation of the reality genre's least successful dating show. I'm actually salivating...

It really is, as if abc executives have suicidal tendencies. We all know that they've completely given up on casting a fresh face as the lead in their 10-week-experiment-in-failure. But to comb through the former members of Team Womack and hand pick Ashley Hebert as the next Bachelorette is a true testament to how much they hate me. The wise person might gently remind that this is an obvious trend... Trista Sutter, Jake Pavelka, Ali Fedotowsky... but the dumb bitch, such as myself, continues to hope, waiting patiently for the announcement, fingers akimbo, imagining all the possibilities, only to be punched in the ovaries time and time again by the poor decision making skills of "The Man".



That said, I will still be tuning in.

Because my life has little meaning without this shit. And I am not sad about that.

Episode 1: This Is What's Out There, I'm Single By Choice...

(Please note: At this point in the process I can't be bothered to remember the names of the Dating Defectives, therefore they will often be referred to by nickname {mildly offensive slurs based on character and/or appearance} or by the name of a celebrity or character they remind me of, and no doubt wish they were.)

To begin at the beginning, Ashley Hebert is THE WORST.


I know I've used that term before. I may have diluted it's intensity based solely on the frequency of application. But really, truly, just when I thought we'd hit rock pissin' bottom, abc discovered it had a basement.

Ashley Hebert is THE WORST.

Ashley


At First Glance:   Thanks for the make-over but that forehead should still have it's own show
30 Minutes Later:   Say "awesome" more... seriously
One Day In:   I imagine purgatory to be that manufactured laugh on a loop and that mouth-agape-faux-excitement-face image wallpapering every room


Ames

At First Glance:   Marshall from ALIAS
30 Minutes Later:   But really, is there something wrong with that guy's face?
One Day In:   His most embarassing moment? "I had a teacher walk in on me while I was hooking up in boarding school." Sure you did, Marshall. I'm absolutely positive that you didn't make that up. But unfortunately your still intact virginity disagrees with me....


Tim

At First Glance:   Long Island, NY? Really? I NEVER would've guessed...

30 Minutes Later:   "Liquor Distrubutor" is just another way of saying "Alcoholic 3rd Rate Bartender" with a little frosting on top
One Day In:   ... ... ... (sound of squealing van cab tires as tragically intoxicated contestant is dumpstered just outside the mansion gates, left to fend for his own damn self)


Ryan P. (yes, this is elementary school)

At First Glance:   A solar energy executive that Taylor-Swift-heart-fingered the sun... Coolest. Move. Ever. (written in sarcasm font)
30 Minutes Later:   Wait, isn't that the sensitive guy Phoebe dated on episode 3.23 of Friends?
One Day In:   First impression rose. Last impression: homosexual


Jeff

At First Glance:   That super douche is wearing a mask!!!
30 Minutes Later:   That super douche is still wearing a mask!!!
One Day In:   OMFG! He's actually not going to take it off the whole two episodes he's here! What a raging super douche!


Mickey

At First Glance:   Hey Mickey, not so fine...
30 Minutes Later:   Not so fine you blow my mind...
One Day In:   I stopped caring about the time you attempted to face rape the unsuspecting Bachelorette, but nice moves, Chief (wink, giggle, 9-1-1)



J.P.

At First Glance:   Meh (shoulder shrug) not altogether revolting
30 Minutes Later:   Meh (shoulder shrug) not altogether revolting
One Day In:   Meh (shoulder shrug) not altogether revolting


Bentley

At First Glance:   The Missing Link
30 Minutes Later:   What A Pissing Dick!
One Day In:   Every other asshole on every other season called... he wants his original thought back



West (Opposite of East and a Little North of South)

At First Glance:  Yes, please
30 Minutes Later:   I'll have another... and keep 'em comin'
One Day In:   Ashley Hebert, you are THE WORST! Cut him loose or I'll cut your face!



Let the shit-show commence...

4 comments:

  1. I'm pretty damn sure you were reading my mind as you wrote this. Hilariously right on target!

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  2. It's funny how you and I have the same 'taste'. I actually said Meh when I saw that JP character. And also, yes please with West. WTF is he doing on this show?

    And that Ashley whatshername? WHAT?? She's so fugly! (fuckingugly)

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  3. This was SO spot on...and what in the hell is in the back drop of their profile pics? Barbed wire? A forest? Is this Dateline? Is Keith Morrison going to pop out from behind them?

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  4. I wish Keith Morrison would pop out from behind them (that's what she said)! It might take some quality narration to get me through the season.

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