Wednesday, May 25, 2011

The Real Answer Is "Nothing"...



In a rare, but long overdue twist of serendipidous intervention, I decided to go to my dear friend Mama Kat's blog to find inspiration for a post. In an even rarer, and longer overdue twist of serendipidous intervention, it actually happened!
(j/k Kat, you know I got nuthin' but love for ya baby, uh huh)

So for my 100th post (that's right bitches, it's all about the Benjamins) I have decided to participate in...
Mama’s Losin’ It

What you're tasting right now? That's the sweet nectar of pure giddified anticipation... You're welcome.



Write a list of 50 things you want to do before you turn 100. Otherwise known as a "bucket list". (I had to cut the actual number in half... I can't even name 100 things)

  1. Turn 99
  2. Beat "dairong" by 100 points on Words With Friends
  3. Tell someone with a face tattoo that they've effectively ruined their chances of being a productive member of society
  4. Spit on Katy Perry
  5. That guy from the Motorolla Xoom commercial
  6. Fly
  7. Personally thank Manolo Blahnik
  8. Get through my Netflix que
  9. Solve a crime
  10. Eat every pastry in a Parisian pastry shop
  11. Win The Biggest Loser (see above)
  12. Tell David Beckham "No"
  13. Have an Absolut flavor named after me
  14. Concoct a reanimation serum
  15. Rid the world of monkeys
  16. Frollick with Jennifer Garner
  17. Bury Steve Carrell in the sand
  18. Make Kristin Wiig laugh
  19. Cook personal pizzas with Ricky Gervais
  20. Kick it with your mom
  21. Find a way to make donuts taste as good as they smell
  22. Throw (and land) a punch
  23. Watch The Bucket List
  24. Fiji
  25. Be a guest judge on Project Runway
  26. Invent edible staples
  27. Win a karaoke championship
  28. Get silly drunk with Mark Wahlberg
  29. Finish this list
  30. Poop without peeing
  31. Teleport
  32. Own an original Dolce & Gabanna design
  33. Raise a penguin and carry him around in a baby bjorn
  34. Kick Tyra Banks in the shin
  35. Get 25 comments on a blog post
  36. Be in the Guiness Book of World Records for "awesome"
  37. Play poker against Matt Damon and Ben Affleck
  38. Have a rap-off with Eminem
  39. Smooch on Adam Levine and then never return his calls
  40. Seriously, finish this list
  41. Date an Australian just to hear him talk
  42. Memorize The Raven by Edgar Allen Poe
  43. Slide down a rainbow
  44. Help Mama Kat get some blog followers
  45. Have a six pack (of bitch brew)...
  46. Be a magician's assistant
  47. Learn only dirty words in Italian
  48. Get a robot maid ala Rosie in The Jetsons
  49. Legally change my name to Carrie Bradshaw
  50. Grow five inches (vertically)

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

And So It Begins...

 
So, here we are, my fellow reality TV whores... Please to strap yourself in as we embark on yet another installation of the reality genre's least successful dating show. I'm actually salivating...

It really is, as if abc executives have suicidal tendencies. We all know that they've completely given up on casting a fresh face as the lead in their 10-week-experiment-in-failure. But to comb through the former members of Team Womack and hand pick Ashley Hebert as the next Bachelorette is a true testament to how much they hate me. The wise person might gently remind that this is an obvious trend... Trista Sutter, Jake Pavelka, Ali Fedotowsky... but the dumb bitch, such as myself, continues to hope, waiting patiently for the announcement, fingers akimbo, imagining all the possibilities, only to be punched in the ovaries time and time again by the poor decision making skills of "The Man".



That said, I will still be tuning in.

Because my life has little meaning without this shit. And I am not sad about that.

Episode 1: This Is What's Out There, I'm Single By Choice...

(Please note: At this point in the process I can't be bothered to remember the names of the Dating Defectives, therefore they will often be referred to by nickname {mildly offensive slurs based on character and/or appearance} or by the name of a celebrity or character they remind me of, and no doubt wish they were.)

To begin at the beginning, Ashley Hebert is THE WORST.


I know I've used that term before. I may have diluted it's intensity based solely on the frequency of application. But really, truly, just when I thought we'd hit rock pissin' bottom, abc discovered it had a basement.

Ashley Hebert is THE WORST.

Ashley


At First Glance:   Thanks for the make-over but that forehead should still have it's own show
30 Minutes Later:   Say "awesome" more... seriously
One Day In:   I imagine purgatory to be that manufactured laugh on a loop and that mouth-agape-faux-excitement-face image wallpapering every room


Ames

At First Glance:   Marshall from ALIAS
30 Minutes Later:   But really, is there something wrong with that guy's face?
One Day In:   His most embarassing moment? "I had a teacher walk in on me while I was hooking up in boarding school." Sure you did, Marshall. I'm absolutely positive that you didn't make that up. But unfortunately your still intact virginity disagrees with me....


Tim

At First Glance:   Long Island, NY? Really? I NEVER would've guessed...

30 Minutes Later:   "Liquor Distrubutor" is just another way of saying "Alcoholic 3rd Rate Bartender" with a little frosting on top
One Day In:   ... ... ... (sound of squealing van cab tires as tragically intoxicated contestant is dumpstered just outside the mansion gates, left to fend for his own damn self)


Ryan P. (yes, this is elementary school)

At First Glance:   A solar energy executive that Taylor-Swift-heart-fingered the sun... Coolest. Move. Ever. (written in sarcasm font)
30 Minutes Later:   Wait, isn't that the sensitive guy Phoebe dated on episode 3.23 of Friends?
One Day In:   First impression rose. Last impression: homosexual


Jeff

At First Glance:   That super douche is wearing a mask!!!
30 Minutes Later:   That super douche is still wearing a mask!!!
One Day In:   OMFG! He's actually not going to take it off the whole two episodes he's here! What a raging super douche!


Mickey

At First Glance:   Hey Mickey, not so fine...
30 Minutes Later:   Not so fine you blow my mind...
One Day In:   I stopped caring about the time you attempted to face rape the unsuspecting Bachelorette, but nice moves, Chief (wink, giggle, 9-1-1)



J.P.

At First Glance:   Meh (shoulder shrug) not altogether revolting
30 Minutes Later:   Meh (shoulder shrug) not altogether revolting
One Day In:   Meh (shoulder shrug) not altogether revolting


Bentley

At First Glance:   The Missing Link
30 Minutes Later:   What A Pissing Dick!
One Day In:   Every other asshole on every other season called... he wants his original thought back



West (Opposite of East and a Little North of South)

At First Glance:  Yes, please
30 Minutes Later:   I'll have another... and keep 'em comin'
One Day In:   Ashley Hebert, you are THE WORST! Cut him loose or I'll cut your face!



Let the shit-show commence...

Friday, May 20, 2011

Your Irrelevance Is No Good Here...

There is a fairly recent and wildly disturbing trend I've noticed that gives me cause for concern. And it can no longer be ignored.

The infiltration of completely irrelevant people informing us that they are, in fact, relevant and the world, in turn, agreeing out of sheer apathy and laziness.


Granted, this has been happening for years under the radar. Look at the Paris Hiltons & Lindsay Lohans & Kirstie Alleys of the world (I'm just saying what we're all thinking. She has done nothing of note since Cheers besides Oprah-ing it up on the scale... and yes, the Look Who's Talking series is included in that. The Incredible Expanding Woman is for a circus sideshow not Hollywood).



They design a line for Wal-Mart, or snort a line at Wal-Mart, or eat enough to fill a Wal-Mart, and all of a sudden the sacred pages of my US Weekly are spattered with faux facts and Caught With Cellulite, Bikini Beach Bod paparazzi pics of these "I'm sorry, who?"s. And you could not imagine the immensity of the fuck I do not give.

I want Beckham & J. Garn & that fine ass dude from the Motorola Xoom commercial! I want my trash to mean something.

But lately, this rubbish I'm bombarded with isn't worth the money I spend on my People subscription... and I don't spend ANYTHING on my People subscription, it was a gift from Santa and Mrs. Claus.

Donald Trump:

No, you don't get to see Obama's birth certificate. Why? Becasue YOU DON'T MATTER. You are a D-List cheater with bad teeth and worse hair and you masturbate to your own "power" on-camera because you get to fake fire other D-Listers who are only on your foot-in-the-door-of-the-reality-TV-franchise-bally-hoo because they are savagely attempting to resuscitate their once mediocre, now non-existent careers.

A) Way to squash the meager hopes of Melissa Rivers and Meatloaf, no doubt sentencing them to a lifetime of binge eating in dark spaces and self-mutilation. Do you feel good about yourself?

and

B) YOU'RE fired! (Insert cheese ass snake bite hand gesture here) And take your doppelganger son-sation with you when you go.


 Charlie Sheen:

I stopped caring about this guy around the time I started my period. It was 1990. I was 11... (bit of an overshare, my apologies). It was the same year that I stopped caring about Kirk Cameron and Ricky Schroeder if that tells you anything... which it should. And since, this schmo hasn't done ANYTHING attention worthy that doesn't fall under one or more of the following catagories:

  • Violence Against Women
  • If You Can Crush It, You Can Snort It
  • Nonsensical Catch Phrases
Two and a Half Men can be split in to three equal parts and divvied up amongst them, as far as I'm concerned. I do know some people who think that show is the bee's knees, but they are also the people who tune in regularly to King of Queens... in syndication. And if you are moments from defending the comic genius of "That Sitcom With Ducky From Pretty in Pink" as it is often referred, let me stop you right there... They got Ashton Kutcher to replace Charlie... no amount of chunky child comedic timing can unsink that ship. Not winning.

Arnold Schwarzenegger:

Barf, dude! Who IS this guy?

To be fair, his "wife" is likely closer to the xy chromosome side of things... and that jaw line could cause anyone's eye to wander, if only to avoid searing her likeness into your subconscious for a future starring role in your worst nightmare. But SHE'S A KENNEDY! And really, who are you? Mr. Universe? Circa 1967. The Terminator? Rode that train to the end of the tracks in 1991. The Governor of California?... I'm actually going to blame California for that one.

But seriously, the ugly ones are supposed to stay put. Is it all of a sudden preposterous to think that at least the trolls will remain faithful? (I'm looking at you former members of the United States government)

And again... BARF!

Ali Fedotowsky:

Who?

Exactly!

The former Bachelorette has apparently announced that she will be hosting her own talk show.

Brilliant.

I often look to unfunny, frump-a-dumps with piercing whines and resumes that feature "Facebook Ad Sales" as a career high to bring the hard-hitting journalism and celebrity interviews that I so crave into my living room. Hey Ali, I have an idea who your first three guests should be before that pre-typed & signed cancellation notice comes across your desk (please see aforementioned nobodys)

Also, please wear more yellow and Converse All-Stars, cuz I just can't get enough of your signature style!

 

Listen, I am not a hard girl to please... Okay, that's actually not true at all... But regardless, we must revolt. We, the huddled masses, should be deciding who matters. That's what this great country is all about. No more water cooler gossip about middle-aged has-beens, no monetary exchange to witness the incoherent ramblings of a coked-out 80's kinda-used-to-be, and no Tivo-ing talk shows hosted by reality sluts. We are taking back the night! Dammit, we are taking back the grocery store check-out line library!

Now who's with me?!?!