Saturday, April 23, 2011

Single is the new Married...

The other day my best friend's 9 year-old asked, "Jill, why aren't you married?", to which I answered, as I always do, "Because I haven't found anyone worth marrying yet."

This is kind of true and kind of not... True, in that every ass-munch I've dated, save a select few, hasn't been worth a stale hoagie roll, let alone a lifetime commitment.

Kind of not true because I'm pretty sure I want to marry myself, I'm so pissin' handy to have around. And me and me have already been formally introduced. We're quite fond of each other.

I have trouble coming up with a single reason this should not take place...

  • I already know what I look like when I wake up 
  • I'm the funniest person I know 
  • I never mind if I don't shave my legs or brush my teeth 
  • I can fix a car and fix dinner 
  • I never want to cuddle with me
  • I don't get pissed that "my side" of the bed is "the whole bed"
  • I never fight with me about what I want to watch on TV 
  • I'm not a stage five clinger
  • I don't keep me up with my snoring
  • I'm never upset when I cheat on me
  • I always agree on whether I should go out or stay in
  • I understand when I need a little "me" time
  • I'm always willing to take me out and buy me a drink, even after a long day
  • I love all the same music and movies and reality shows as me

I'm a fuckin' catch. I think I might be my soul mate.

So in light of this epiphany, I have decided to propose to myself.
I'm almost positive I'll say yes.
And I'll look so stunning in my wedding gown that I won't be able to take my eyes off me.
And I'll live happily ever after.


  1. You can go through with the wedding and stuff, but I'm pretty sure you're already legally joined via common law.

    But if you do have the ceremony, can I be the maid of best man?

  2. OMG, I totally love this and just might get re-married after me! (You sound great, but I think I'm a better match for me.)

  3. Talk about fairy tales. You absolutely crack me up!

  4. You are so right on sister! I say this ALL the time!

  5. oh my god!!!! Just one word: FABULOUS.....
    Reading this has given me strength to remain single and be happy about it...