Saturday, April 23, 2011

Single is the new Married...

The other day my best friend's 9 year-old asked, "Jill, why aren't you married?", to which I answered, as I always do, "Because I haven't found anyone worth marrying yet."

This is kind of true and kind of not... True, in that every ass-munch I've dated, save a select few, hasn't been worth a stale hoagie roll, let alone a lifetime commitment.

Kind of not true because I'm pretty sure I want to marry myself, I'm so pissin' handy to have around. And me and me have already been formally introduced. We're quite fond of each other.

I have trouble coming up with a single reason this should not take place...

  • I already know what I look like when I wake up 
  • I'm the funniest person I know 
  • I never mind if I don't shave my legs or brush my teeth 
  • I can fix a car and fix dinner 
  • I never want to cuddle with me
  • I don't get pissed that "my side" of the bed is "the whole bed"
  • I never fight with me about what I want to watch on TV 
  • I'm not a stage five clinger
  • I don't keep me up with my snoring
  • I'm never upset when I cheat on me
  • I always agree on whether I should go out or stay in
  • I understand when I need a little "me" time
  • I'm always willing to take me out and buy me a drink, even after a long day
  • I love all the same music and movies and reality shows as me

I'm a fuckin' catch. I think I might be my soul mate.

So in light of this epiphany, I have decided to propose to myself.
I'm almost positive I'll say yes.
And I'll look so stunning in my wedding gown that I won't be able to take my eyes off me.
And I'll live happily ever after.