The other day my best friend's 9 year-old asked, "Jill, why aren't you married?", to which I answered, as I always do, "Because I haven't found anyone worth marrying yet."
This is kind of true and kind of not... True, in that every ass-munch I've dated, save a select few, hasn't been worth a stale hoagie roll, let alone a lifetime commitment.
Kind of not true because I'm pretty sure I want to marry myself, I'm so pissin' handy to have around. And me and me have already been formally introduced. We're quite fond of each other.
I have trouble coming up with a single reason this should not take place...
- I already know what I look like when I wake up
- I'm the funniest person I know
- I never mind if I don't shave my legs or brush my teeth
- I can fix a car and fix dinner
- I never want to cuddle with me
- I don't get pissed that "my side" of the bed is "the whole bed"
- I never fight with me about what I want to watch on TV
- I'm not a stage five clinger
- I don't keep me up with my snoring
- I'm never upset when I cheat on me
- I always agree on whether I should go out or stay in
- I understand when I need a little "me" time
- I'm always willing to take me out and buy me a drink, even after a long day
- I love all the same music and movies and reality shows as me
I'm a fuckin' catch. I think I might be my soul mate.
So in light of this epiphany, I have decided to propose to myself.
I'm almost positive I'll say yes.
And I'll look so stunning in my wedding gown that I won't be able to take my eyes off me.
And I'll live happily ever after.