Sunday, December 19, 2010

Does anyone even read this ish anymore...?

Top 20 Things I L.O.V.E. About The Holiday Season
(written in sarcasm font)

  • It takes 2 pissin' hours to buy a new tube of toothpaste because apparently even Walgreens is a Christmas shopping hot spot

  • The only thing I REALLY want for Christmas already has three kids with Victoria Beckham

  • Skittish holiday drivers... skittish holiday drivers are THE BEST

  • Classic Christmas song lyric alterations sung by drop-out musical theatre majors rotating through my brain on a constant loop courtesy of stupid ass holiday marketing schemes... (see: TJ Maxx commercial)

  • The sweet, holy, effin' drama that comes with saying the phrase "Merry Christmas" to someone

  • The sweet, holy, effin' drama that comes with not saying the phrase "Merry Christmas" to someone

  • The Snuggie... it's back...('nuff said)

  • The I-Don't-Give-A-Piss-Holiday-Gift-Set... cash is a better gift than an Axe Body Spray gift set, homey, just wrap up some cash

  • The kick-ass TV series two week holiday hiatus. Like we don't need shit to watch during the holidays...

  • Shipping and Handling

  • The Old Navy Modelquins... (that's actually a year round fav of mine, but I throw it in whenever I can)

  • Stockings filled with worthless chotchkies that nearly force one's hand into taking on a life of hoarding until their next Goodwill run

  • Check-out clerks in Santa hats

  • The Trans Siberian orchestra (i.e. Working In A Doctor's Office). 
I've included one of their "hits" for your listening pleasure (reminder: this is still sarcasm font)

  • "Winter Breaks"... Where's my "winter break", bitches? I've been working my ass off here...

  • The bill juggling/present buying balancing act

  • Starbucks' Cranberry Bliss Bars... (but only because I am not a strong enough woman)

  • Hot Buttered Rum (but only because I am not a strong enough woman)

  • TBS' incessant need to air Tim Allen Christmas movies over and over and if they were SO good the first time we just HAVE to see them again and again and again... (I'm looking at you The Santa Clause 1, 2, and 3)

  • Small dogs in Christmas sweaters... okay, just dogs in sweaters period...

So Oy, Humbug... and a Happy New Year to you and yours!