Thursday, November 4, 2010

Dedicated to every notch on my bedpost...

*** If you're one of the countless fellas that I've dated, however briefly, and you are reading this... Yes, I'm talking about you. You are not the exception... you are the rule. And you are no doubt a lunatic. ***

I have the worst taste in men.

The. Worst.

It's not even up for discussion. It's not even something that someone could challenge.

There is no competition. I win... And by that I mean I lose.

I have a fundamental and unconscious need to seek out the best-looking BAT SHIT BANANA-JAMMERS within humping distance.

Now, I'm not implying, for even a second, that I am without fault when it comes to these "relationships". I am quite the complicated, cynical, hyper-emotional gal. I make PLENTY of mistakes.

I am not, however, certifiably insane... I'm just wildly attracted to those who are.

Due to this substantial gift of mine, foraging through the masses to woo the prickiest asstards in recent history, my friends and I have fashioned a checklist. A somewhat vain attempt at pre-screening my potential suitors based on the holy fuckin' train wrecks of my past.

~Jill's Deal Breaker Checklist~

If you:

  • Are a cat owner (there is something incredibly unsettling about a bachelor with cats)
  • Are my neighbor
  • Were born after 1985
  • Are a chemical dependent
  • Went to my high school
  • Are named Ryan
  • Are 5'6" or under
  • Own a Smart Car (there is no level of dignity that can be maintained getting in and out of a Smart Car)
  • Are a recreational drug user
  • Are vegan (I heart meat... and cheese)
  • Are crazy religious,
  • Crazy political,
  • Crazy
  • Have served time in prison
  • Live with your parents
  • Have a lack of motivation
  • Rock a ponytail or a mullet
  • Are a hoarder
  • Have no transportation
  • Suffer from PTSD
  • Are a friend of either of my brothers
  • Are an excessive crier
  • Say "I love you" within the first week
  • Have baby mama drama
  • Make me pay for EVERYTHING
  • Can not appreciate The Beatles or Sinatra
  • Think using words like "horny" or "pussy" is EVER a turn-on
  • Lie... especially about things like where you live or what you do with your day
  • Store dead hookers in your crawl space
  • Are a card-carrying member of The Church of Mystery and his Pick-Up Artist teachings

I often check this list to see if I've omitted anything that could be considered a non-negotiable. And every time I do, I am satisfied that the list is substantial and fairly all-encompassing. Yet, with every new fella I add to my repertoire, I find I have to tack on new and unusual deal-breakers that I didn't even know existed...

So I've devised a new list... And here be it's grand reveal...

~Jill's Deal Breaker Checklist (revised)~


  • Jill is attracted to you        

I pray that with the above revisions I might be compelled to deviate from the coveted presence of lunatics. Perhaps, inadvertently stumble upon a little enlightenment that may prevent me from accompanying them on a first date (which inevitably leads to a fifth or a twelfth or a 2 year anniversary... I'm looking at you, fish monger)

I'm not betting on success. I'm a sucker for a hot guy...

But at least now I will get to be the one to look at me and say "Told ya so". And I could always use a good gloat... even if it's at my own expense.