Wednesday, September 1, 2010

It's all fun and games until you have to name the worst boob job...

Remember in the high school yearbook how they always had that bullshit poll? And the whole senior class voted on it? And the idea was to label your classmates with baseless titles that actually matter none the day after graduation? Most Likely To Be Seen In A Dream, Most Likely To Succeed, Most Changed Since Freshman Year, Cutest Couple, Class Clown, etc...


And, in the end, all the results confirmed was the same ish we knew all four miserable years we spent together... Most Popular Cuz They Hot, Most Popular Cuz They Smart, Least Popular Freshman Year, Most Popular Cuz They Been Going Steady For A Hot Sec, Most Popular Cuz They Funny, etc...



As you may have guessed... I was voted "Most Likely To Be Completely Overlooked In The Bullshit Yearbook Poll"... but that's beside the point...

The ACTUAL point is this... Bachelor Pad turned that shit on it's head for our delicious viewing pleasure...

This week's episode had us all wondering: What IS the best way to make someone feel like piss?



And we didn't have to wait long for an answer... It came in the form of a challenge geared mostly towards public and nationally televised humiliation... aka "honesty"...

The Sluts and The Man-Whores were each given a survey to be completed confidentially. Which caused Tenley to make this face... again...



Our hosts Chris Harrison and Melissa Rycroft-Strickland then sat The Sluts on one bench and The Man-Whores on another and forced them to write down the name of who they thought received the most votes for each question... and then show their answers... to everyone...



Genius.

The first Slut and first Man-Whore to guess the majority vote on four questions correctly won the challenge and received a rose...

The results:

Who do most of you believe is going to win?

Kiptyn...
  "I mean it's nice, it's flattering to hear, but it makes you wonder if you have a target on your back."

Who is your biggest enemy?

Krisily...
 "Of course it hurts, but, I mean, I've always been the one that was picked on."

Who is the most shallow?

Elizabeth...
 "I don't ever consider myself shallow. I don't even know what shallow really means."

Who is the dumbest?

Gwen...
 "It is what it is. It stinks that everyone thinks I'm dumb, and it upset me."

Who do you secretly have a crush on?

Dave...
 "I almost want to lose a point if this is right..." (bullshit, bullshit, bullshit)

Who will be a bridesmaid, but never a bride?

Natalie...
 "I mean, just, I want that very badly, and it just was like, you know, hard to, to see someone I like put my name up as someone who would never get married" (whimper, whimper, whimper)

Who is considered to be the biggest jerk by the group?

Wes...
 "I've never known so many people so full of shit in my life. I mean, I'm not a jerk."

Who has the worst boob job?

Elizabeth...
 "It's...(sob, sob) just...(sob, sob) so... (sob, sob) embarrassing (sob, sob)"

Tenley and Jesse B won.


Post emotional ass-kicking there were a lot of tears in closets and showers and basically whatever not-completely-public-but-also-not-remotely-private-enough-attention-whore-locale Sluts go to feel sorry for themselves after being called out by the very boys they spread their legs for daily...

Then there were one-on-one dates. Tenley's baby talkin', Kiptyn stalkin' dumb ass took... um... Kiptyn, obviously. I couldn't hear anything that was said on their date because I was deafened by the piercing and consonant-less nonsense that was spewing from Tenley's cram-hole. And I couldn't see anything that happened because I was struck blind by Kiptyn's ever-shine seven head and uncommonly prominent ears. What I do know is that they are an annoying as all hell match.com made in heaven... And may this be the last we see of both of them... Please God...


Jesse B. took Peyton on his date. Which started well. And ended as most of my "relationships" do, with Peyton realizing that Jesse's dashing good looks do not make up for what a Raging Douche-Lord he is. Nor do they void out his tendency to act a damn fool circa 7th Grade Maturity Level. Therefore, Jesse B. ended his night tweeter-free, and Peyton ended hers with dignity intact...



The rose ceremony was a convoluted bitch fit, per usual... There was scheming and lying and "strategy". All of which I didn't give a shit about, I just like to see people cry.

Wes got the ax from the ladies. Mostly because he pissed off McRageaholic by calling him out in a room full of people. And if McRageaholic ain't happy, ain't nobody happy...

Krisily was the sacrificial lamb for the fellas... not for any good reason, just because Kiptyn didn't feel comfortable voting for anyone else, and the other guys can't make their own decisions with all those fake tits around, so they did as The Ears hypnotized them to do...

And as a side note... Whoever the hell named these people should be pushed in front of a bus! I would like to volunteer my services to get this done...

Seacrest, out!

1 comment:

  1. I was voted Ms Pervert. Should I be proud or embarrassed? I'm 100% proud.

    My question is, where do they find these people?

    ReplyDelete