Thursday, September 9, 2010

Because I just can't keep my mouth shut...

I'm gettin' down to brass tacks...

I've been meaning to complain about this for a while. And yet Sunday after Sunday passes and I find myself gripeless, or out of town, or busy laying on my couch. But today I read a little post a dear friend of mine wrote called:

"A list of things you no longer have in common with your single/childless friends…and why you love them anyways."

And my inspiration returned...

Her list included things that us "single gals" do that aren't her "cup of tea"...

Things like:
  • "Watching reruns of Snapped stuffing my face with chocolate and wondering why men aren't interested in me"
  • "Listen to my single friends talk about how waking up for work at 8am is exhausting"
  • "Empathize with a friend who complains that her Audi is in the shop while I man handle a God forsaken MINI VAN!" (This one is FO SHO about me, BTW)
  • "Go to a club dressed like a street walker in an attempt to find true love"
I have a sneaking suspicion that a majority, if not all, of this list is in direct reference and/or was inspired by me and my life. And while I appreciate and celebrate the importance of artistic license, and fully understand the neccessity of exaggerating for comedy's sake, I must speak to this... On behalf of single women EVERYWHERE.



  
To first address the list directly, ANY WOMAN out there who watches Snapped and wonders why men aren't interested in them is straight up twisted. Snapped is about women losing their shit on the fellas they have chosen to have and to hold, 'til murder do them part. If I was the single gal that came to mind when she wrote that, I assure you that she is grossly misinformed... And also, PLENTY OF MEN ARE INTERESTED IN ME, thank you very much. Just not any men that I choose to give up my single life for.

I would also like to say that ANY WOMAN who dresses like a street walker and goes to a club in an attempt to find true love is a dumb ass. Dressing like a street walker and going to a club attracts one VERY SPECIFIC type of man and his name is Scott Peterson... or Ted Bundy... or the Delta Sigma Phi Date Rapist of the Year...

As far as complaining about being exhausted when I get up for work, yes, I do that. But not at 8am. 8am is a vacation. 8am is a Saturday after two sleeping pills IF my upstairs neighbors are on vacation. 8am is an effing cake walk. I wake up at 5:30am... and I'm an insomniac so I fall asleep at about 1... or 2... or sometimes 3:30...

She did check her facts on one thing, though. My Audi WAS in the shop. And I did bitch about it. Mostly because I was without a vehicle for a week... and because it costs an average of $2000 everytime it goes to the shop... and being a "single gal" means that I am also a "single income family"... and $2000 is a LOT of pissin' money. And might I add that buying a mini-van is a choice... I have several friends with children that have chosen against it.




But with all that said, what really sticks in my craw... what REALLY pisses me off is the insinuation by some that my life is somewhat less than those with spouses or children or both. Or that my life is "responsibilty-less". I assure you, my life is quite full. And quite lovely. And chock-mutha-effin'-full of responsibility.
 
And I find it offensive that I am asked to justify my choices on a regular basis, or that I am asked to not voice the frustrations that go on in my single/childless life.

I am not an old maid. I am not sad or lonely or pathetic or sitting around waiting for a man to love me.

I am very much in love.

I am in love with all the possibility and all the freedom and all the dreams I have yet to fulfill.

And I make absolutely no apologies for that.

So bite me.

It's a three for one... and you'll still feel ripped off...

I logged on today to write about Bachelor Pad... or ANTM... or the return of my one true love Vampire Diaries... but those will have to wait...

Ok, no they won't. We'll just truncate the shit out of it.

Bachelor Pad:

Everyone who wasn't in a couple was eliminated. So once again, the bullies win. I hate bullies.

The ONLY saving grace would be if the couples then had to eliminate eachother... and cause tears... and dramatic break-ups. But alas, the couples are now being eliminated together. It blows.

ANTM:

The new season began as they always do. The tall, skinny, ugly girls are called "high-fashion", the tall, skinny, pretty girls are called "commercial", Tyra shed her straight jacket long enough to break some already fragile anorexic hearts, and the J's were flamboyant. Let the drama commence.

The Vampire Diaries:

I don't even know what happens yet... The season premiere doesn't start for an hour and a half... but I'm so pissin' excited I can hardly contain myself.

My name is Jill. I'm 30. And I'm in love with a teenage vampire show. I am not ashamed.

...and this concludes my television reporting duties...

Now please move on to more important things... might I suggest my most recent post entitled "Because I just can't keep my mouth shut"

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

It's all fun and games until you have to name the worst boob job...

Remember in the high school yearbook how they always had that bullshit poll? And the whole senior class voted on it? And the idea was to label your classmates with baseless titles that actually matter none the day after graduation? Most Likely To Be Seen In A Dream, Most Likely To Succeed, Most Changed Since Freshman Year, Cutest Couple, Class Clown, etc...


And, in the end, all the results confirmed was the same ish we knew all four miserable years we spent together... Most Popular Cuz They Hot, Most Popular Cuz They Smart, Least Popular Freshman Year, Most Popular Cuz They Been Going Steady For A Hot Sec, Most Popular Cuz They Funny, etc...



As you may have guessed... I was voted "Most Likely To Be Completely Overlooked In The Bullshit Yearbook Poll"... but that's beside the point...

The ACTUAL point is this... Bachelor Pad turned that shit on it's head for our delicious viewing pleasure...

This week's episode had us all wondering: What IS the best way to make someone feel like piss?



And we didn't have to wait long for an answer... It came in the form of a challenge geared mostly towards public and nationally televised humiliation... aka "honesty"...

The Sluts and The Man-Whores were each given a survey to be completed confidentially. Which caused Tenley to make this face... again...



Our hosts Chris Harrison and Melissa Rycroft-Strickland then sat The Sluts on one bench and The Man-Whores on another and forced them to write down the name of who they thought received the most votes for each question... and then show their answers... to everyone...



Genius.

The first Slut and first Man-Whore to guess the majority vote on four questions correctly won the challenge and received a rose...

The results:

Who do most of you believe is going to win?

Kiptyn...
  "I mean it's nice, it's flattering to hear, but it makes you wonder if you have a target on your back."

Who is your biggest enemy?

Krisily...
 "Of course it hurts, but, I mean, I've always been the one that was picked on."

Who is the most shallow?

Elizabeth...
 "I don't ever consider myself shallow. I don't even know what shallow really means."

Who is the dumbest?

Gwen...
 "It is what it is. It stinks that everyone thinks I'm dumb, and it upset me."

Who do you secretly have a crush on?

Dave...
 "I almost want to lose a point if this is right..." (bullshit, bullshit, bullshit)

Who will be a bridesmaid, but never a bride?

Natalie...
 "I mean, just, I want that very badly, and it just was like, you know, hard to, to see someone I like put my name up as someone who would never get married" (whimper, whimper, whimper)

Who is considered to be the biggest jerk by the group?

Wes...
 "I've never known so many people so full of shit in my life. I mean, I'm not a jerk."

Who has the worst boob job?

Elizabeth...
 "It's...(sob, sob) just...(sob, sob) so... (sob, sob) embarrassing (sob, sob)"

Tenley and Jesse B won.


Post emotional ass-kicking there were a lot of tears in closets and showers and basically whatever not-completely-public-but-also-not-remotely-private-enough-attention-whore-locale Sluts go to feel sorry for themselves after being called out by the very boys they spread their legs for daily...

Then there were one-on-one dates. Tenley's baby talkin', Kiptyn stalkin' dumb ass took... um... Kiptyn, obviously. I couldn't hear anything that was said on their date because I was deafened by the piercing and consonant-less nonsense that was spewing from Tenley's cram-hole. And I couldn't see anything that happened because I was struck blind by Kiptyn's ever-shine seven head and uncommonly prominent ears. What I do know is that they are an annoying as all hell match.com made in heaven... And may this be the last we see of both of them... Please God...


Jesse B. took Peyton on his date. Which started well. And ended as most of my "relationships" do, with Peyton realizing that Jesse's dashing good looks do not make up for what a Raging Douche-Lord he is. Nor do they void out his tendency to act a damn fool circa 7th Grade Maturity Level. Therefore, Jesse B. ended his night tweeter-free, and Peyton ended hers with dignity intact...



The rose ceremony was a convoluted bitch fit, per usual... There was scheming and lying and "strategy". All of which I didn't give a shit about, I just like to see people cry.

Wes got the ax from the ladies. Mostly because he pissed off McRageaholic by calling him out in a room full of people. And if McRageaholic ain't happy, ain't nobody happy...

Krisily was the sacrificial lamb for the fellas... not for any good reason, just because Kiptyn didn't feel comfortable voting for anyone else, and the other guys can't make their own decisions with all those fake tits around, so they did as The Ears hypnotized them to do...

And as a side note... Whoever the hell named these people should be pushed in front of a bus! I would like to volunteer my services to get this done...

Seacrest, out!