Tuesday, August 3, 2010

We've come a long way, baby...

Dear Ali,

Thank you.



PS- I give it 3 months


My dearest, hottest, wickedest, awesomest Chris,

I imagine there are quite a few sluts out there tripping over their hooker pumps, clawing each others' eyes out just vying for a taste of your sweet sugar. I assume that this is, at least in part, due to your smokin' hot bod... and piercing green eyes... and boyish charms. And in part due to the magic of reality television romance... and those fantastical dream dates... and the heightened, amplified, condensed emotion that is required for a 2 month televised relationship that ends with a proposal.

I pity those bitches.

They can only dream of someday finding the kind of love that we will share.

Ali did us a service simply by being a dumb ass.

And while you may not be fully aware of your destiny, I am. Fear not, my future arm candy, you and I are currently on a crash course... Destination: Ecstasy.

Now, due to the cunning expertise of ABC executives, you have unintentionally flaunted your hot ass to every triflin' ho with access to basic cable in these here United States. Because of this, if you are not extremely careful, you are sure to encounter any number of advances from desperate, single, husband-hunting women (read: stalkers)... this, of course, then increases your risk of frolicking through their blossoming fields o' STDs... and also calls for the oh-so-predictable publicity stunt known as "the pregnancy scare". In the interest of shielding you from this barrage of sad consequences, I write this letter.

The whole of America knows why I love you. And yet, I fear, you may not yet know why you love me. So I have enclosed a list of the top 10 reasons you can't wait to spend the rest of your life with me... Please feel free to reference the following whilst writing your vows.

    1) I have a blog... which means I have my own life and won't cling to yours... and yet I'm WILDLY irresponsible about posting on any sort of regular basis... which means that it will not take up any "we" time

    2) I am HI.Lar.IOUS

    3) I am STD free! (subject to change)

    4) My blood runs Italian... (read: exotic and able to fit in wit dat East Coast flava)

    5) And yet I was born and bred in the Pacific Northwest (read: down-to-earth gal that can kick off her heels and sleep under the stars... for a long weekend, tops... any longer and we get divorced)

    6) I watch A LOT of reality TV... (I assume this won't be a problem, considering how we met)

    7) I've never been to Massachusetts... which means I haven't slept with any of your friends... probably

    8) I can't cook (I'm still working on making that a positive. Bear with me.) 

    9) I work in a doctor's office... which means my life could not get any worse... and I'd be willing to quit tomorrow and move to Cape Cod

    10) I hate landscaping... and math... but I love a man who knows how to do both (wink, wink, giggle)

    Clearly, the list speaks for itself.

    I'll assume you will be booking your flight to Seattle momentarily, and I don't want to keep you. But as you drift off to dream tonight think only of me and these wise words your father once told me (Episode 8: Hometown Visits), "Love is the ONLY reality".

    Until we find forever,


    PS- I'm keeping my last name.

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