Saturday, August 21, 2010

It's gettin' ugly... in the best way possible...





I'm SO sorry I'm late with this Bachelor Pad update... 

Judging by the ZERO pissing comments I got last week, y'all are just chompin' at the bit, waiting for my witty quips and relentless mockery about episode deux of my REALITY TV WET DREAM.

Whatev...

Matters none...

I'm gonna keep writing about it.

Joke's on you, Comment Boycotters...



And might I add, that this shit shan't be missed. I emphatically encourage you to tune in... for at least ONE episode... even my sweet little Mary Tyler Moore mother is hooked... And she's actually classy...

That said...

For the both of you who did read my previous post on the show, I remain confident in my original evaluation of this wackadoodle social experiment. Sluts and Man-Whores Unite! But it's gotten better. Because now the Sluts and Man-Whores have broken off into two distinctive groups, known as "The Insiders" and "The Outsiders"... Not surprisingly, "The Insiders" named both teams...



As far as I can tell, the "teams" were divided thanks to one determining factor...

  • Have you acquired an STD from one or more of the other contestants PRIOR to the filming of Bachelor Pad via some sort of Bachelor/Bachelorette  retreat? If yes, you are an "Insider"... If no, please to be ostracized and dubbed an "Outsider"...

And yes, you read that correctly... Bachelor/Bachelorette retreats exist. You can't make this shit up.


Apparently these shindigs are some sort of Real World/Road Rules Challenge sans the "challenge". What I've gathered from the super-secret-society gossip is this: All the rejected contestants of past seasons convene (minus the cameras) on some cruise, or in a cabin, or at a truck stop (I'm not altogether sure) and connect over their collective rejection armed with a whole lotta alcohol and fistfuls of eachother's naughty bits...

The sheer volume of incestuous love octagons that these retreats (orgys) have produced is staggering. However, some sort of posse bond is formed and when the attendees of said congregations are approached to further embarrass themselves, their friends, and their families by smearing what's left of their virtue all over basic cable in a torrid spin-off series, the re-treat-ards feel it appropriate to label themselves "The Cool Kids".

And might I ask, in what sick, twisted, effed up world does a smokin' hot, sweet, mildly stupid SWIMSUIT MODEL get lumped in with the "Outsiders" and Tenley Molzahn is counted as an "Insider"?!?!? Ass Backwards, it is.



But that is neither here nor there...

The "challenge" this week was a pie eating contest. Seriously. It's like the event planner (school secretary) for my 3rd grade carnival was hired by ABC to come up with this ish. The cast is all a-twitter trying to vote off the "biggest threat" each week. Judging from the first two challenges, the biggest threat is a super bendy fat ass. Of which there are none.



Gia and Weatherman won their respective heats. Both "Outsiders", BTW. Which means that they were both immune from elimination and each got to take three other cast members on a date.



There was a lot of Outsider/Insider strategy discussed which, frankly, made not a piss-lick of sense to me... The dates were chosen based on... ummmmm... something... and people were voted off... and stuff. Whatever.

Here's the good shit that happened:

  • Jesse Beck (tattooed frat douche from Ali's season) pulled a summer camp break up on Natalie (blonde bomb-bitch from Jason's season) citing "I heard some shit about you from other dudes"... The true motivation? He realized he'd rather bang Gia (the swimsuit model from Jake's season)...



  • Gia (swimsuit model from Jake's season) PROMISED Craig (Coked-out Weatherman nemesis from Ali's Season) that she'd give him the rose on their date to maintain the "Outsiders" majority vote in the elimination. But then, when Wes (Cocky Country-Singing Asshat from Jillian's season) spun his web o' bullshit around Gia by spouting off that he was in love with her, she pulled the bitch-switch and gave the rose to him instead...



  • Tenley threw up in her pie during the challenge... and then kept eating it... and she didn't even win...



  • A closeted homosexual Weatherman in a Speedo covered in body paint, and three lackluster, wildly uninteresting female "Outsiders" formed a conga line... this was the "romantic date" they were promised...

  • Jesse (the pug from Jake's season) tried to play all four sides... (Girls vs Boys vs Insiders vs Outsiders) which in all her Slut-tasticness just meant dry-humping David (McRageaholic from Jillian's season) in the hot tub. This, of course, backfired and bitch was sent packin'...
 
  • And a Coked-Out Weatherman Nemesis lost the majority vote thanks to Gia's cock-blindness and was sent back to wherever the hell Coked-Out Weatherman Nemeses reside... My guess is right down the street from the Bachelor Pad set aka L.A.


Dial in next week when Wes will serenade Gia, recycling "the song he wrote for Jillian" and passing it off as "the song he wrote for Gia"... as if the ENTIRE EFFING COUNTRY doesn't have that acoustic piece of shit tune memorized and won't be on to him... again.

4 comments:

  1. This is the best thing to wake up to in the mornings!!

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  2. Can't wait for more tonight!! Let's hope they spend more time talking strategy....cause that was super fun trying to figure out.

    PS: You need to do an entire post dedicated to Elizabeth and all her delicious crazy.

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  3. I've come to the conclusion that Wes is actually a professional hypnotist. Once otherwise sane chicks make direct eye contact they believe all his crap even though they KNOW it's make believe. Also, that is how he has managed to have some sort of musical career.

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  4. Dawny~ thank you. I aim to please.

    Alecia~ It shall be done.

    Jenn~ Awesome. The most accurate evaluation of Wes to date. I think you may have just cracked the case.

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