A gaggle of gripes to satiate your craving for the bitter within me... Don't act like you're not excited...
The inevitable and untimely demise of Britney Jean Spears: Memorialized in pictures
There are very few things in this world that I don't find humor in. Comedy is everywhere. Around every corner. There are certain things I laugh at or about due to their intended farce. There are other things I laugh at or about because if I didn't I would have to cry. One such example is the rise and fall of that infamous Pop Princess called Britney. From rags to riches to certifiably insane, the world watched in horror as the sweet and slutty teen pop sensation plummeted to the depths of the has-been cesspool. And really, who is there to blame but ourselves... and perhaps Kevin Federline?
But y'all... what the hell did we do to Britney Jean Spears?!?!
I wasn't a fan at the beginning. It was 1999. I was 20. And Hit Me Baby One More Time played incessantly on the loop tape at The Gap in New York City where I earned my keep mastering the "perfect fold".
I was cool. And edgy. And living on my own in Manhattan. I didn't have time for pop music. I was too busy wearing black and learning how to smoke Marlboro's.
Ah, but then a little ditty hit the airwaves called Oops, I Did It Again... the tables had turned. And I was an instant closet superfan. No, I didn't have the posters. And I wouldn't be caught dead at the concerts. But I learned the words... and sang along... and turned it up... and danced. And I may or may not have silently rejoiced when a new loop tape was introduced which included the latest Brit Hit... 10 years ago I would have sooner died than admit to this.
I am no longer ashamed...
I guess one could chock the fall up to society... and Kentwood, Louisiana... and being genetically predisposed with the crazy bug...
But, I blame Federline. That smarmy, meth-lovin', thug-tastic, bastard that gesticulated his way into the throes of the Spears Franchise. And for that, to me, he will be forever indebted.
Sure, she showed signs of lunacy prior to the Federline era, what with sluttin' around on her soul mate Timberlake,
and a 55 hour marriage to Who-The-Shit-Is-That-Guy...
But the real moment of transformaniac can be unequivocally determined as the day that poser asshat agreed to join B. Spears on tour. 3 months later they were hitched...
And she would never again call sanity a friend...
It was a rapid decline. First, the reality show, Britney and Kevin: Chaotic, in which we were forced (albeit by choice) to hear the words "We have the best sex y'all. We have sex like three times a day y'all. And it is SOOOOOO GOOOOOD..." (cut to Jill ripping off her skin and lighting it on fire).
Then came the unfortunate reproduction phase, when the world was burdened with more K-Fed DNA (I don't blame the children, they are the innocent victims)
Then came the problems in the marriage, followed by the legal separation, followed closely by the decision to cease and desist all undergarments and flash her nasty, rotten, Federlined cooter to the masses.
Bad choice after bad choice, Paris Hilton after Lindsay Lohan, we watched, mouths agape, as the once Back-Water Southern Belle turned Bubble Gum Icon floundered like a fish on dry land.
There was the head shave heard 'round the world.
The paparazzi umbrella attack.
The nervous break down to the power of ten.
The torn fishnets.
The barefoot gas station bathroom visits.
The VMA "comeback" performance.
Extinguishing any hope of resurrection, she skanked her way through the tabloid circuit leaving only heart-broken former fans in her wake.
Then, a glimmer of hope came wrapped in a court order. Papa Spears was assigned custody of his 27 year-old bat shit banana-jamma.
Her money was no longer hers to spend on Schmidt Ice and Fredrick's of Hollywood paraphernalia. Her new album, aptly titled Circus, was released, and shockingly didn't remind everyone of shit karaoke at a local Asian restaurant.
The world was free to exhale, for all the Britney ballyhoo was behind us.
Not so fast, world. Then came this...
And she was gone again, as quick as she came...
R.I.P. Brit, it was a good ride... I, for one, will never be the same.
5 months ago