Thursday, August 26, 2010

I love the smell of face rape in the morning...

I've often wondered why men think that women are crazy. I've asked my brothers. I've grilled my boyfriends. I've observed my friends.

I used to think it was because women tend to put it all out there. We don't have a lot of secrets, we don't play a lot of games. If we are fond of you, there is no question. If we think you're a raging douche nozzle, we make it clear. And I used to think that men just couldn't handle that level of honesty. Because as my research has proved time and time again, men like to shroud their opinions in veils of man-code and penis-serving gibberish.  

And listen, I'm no relationship expert...

Far far far far far far far far............. far far far from one...

Unless sheer volume of relationships graduates one to the title of "expert", and then I'm actually Sigmund Freud reincarnate... with better shoes...

I've spent several of my nearly 31 years trying to navigate that trecherous and twisted road that is "the male psyche"...

Which typically ends in a fiery explosion of some sort... and carnage... lots and lots of carnage.

Yet I continue to get behind the wheel, map to nowhere in hand, traveling down that same dangerous and uncertain path I've traveled so many times before. Swerving to hit the casualties I've left behind along the way...

Not. Crazy. At. All.

But really, my point is, I don't think most women are crazy. Or I didn't... until the birth of Reality TV...

And now I see that I've been wrong... I have been oh-so-wrong...

Men think women are crazy because these are the bitches representing us as a whole.


At first glance: A seemingly harmless, attractive, put-together lady
Thirty minutes later: Mildly delusional, and poorly disguised slut bag
One day in: Bunny boiler


At first glance: Squeaky clean jelly bean, pure hearted and wholesome, salt of the earth kinda gal
Thirty minutes later: The Nails on a Chalkboard and Screaming Toddler Chastity Quartet
One day in: I know why your husband cheated on you


At first glance: Fun, flirty, spunky, one-of-the-boys bombshell
Thirty minutes later: Borderline alcoholic
One day in: STD incubator, happy to lop of the willy of any guy who wrongs her... or just for shits...


At first glance: Sideburns
Thirty minutes later: Sideburns with a side of geriatric flamenco dancer
One day in: Sideburns with a side of geriatric flamenco dancer who will ALWAYS choose to stab a girl in the back if it means she'll get attention from a boy

Is it any wonder fellas seek out the one night stand. I'd like to give each and every one of them a badge of honor for making it to daylight let alone calling the next day. And to the men I say, I'm sorry. I was wrong. And I understand your fear.

Episode 3 (at a glance):

The "Insiders" and "Outsiders" became the "Couples" and the "Singles"... it's hard to keep up with what the cool kids are calling themselves these days...

The challenge was a Kissing Contest... which is a nice way of saying Tongue Prostitution. Blindfolded and face raped, the girls voted David (McRageaholic) and the guys voted Peyton (Who? No, really. I'm asking.) the best kissers of the house. Roses to both.

David took Natalie and... two other girls on his date to Vegas. Halfway through the date he sent the other two back to LA and then banged Natalie all night... which apparently means that they are now in a serious and committed relationship. (It never seems to work out like that for me)...

(Thank God)...

(wink, smiley face emoticon)

Peyton took everyone else's boyfriends on her date to the racetrack (i.e. Kovacs, Kiptyn, and Jesse B.) which is the equivalent of tossing a lit match into a pile o' dry cuckoo doused with gasoline. She closed the night by PG-13ing it up with Jesse B., with some bullshit picnic ABC provided and a make-out session ala Every-Teen-Movie-Ever-Made.

Gia melted into a pile of shame and misfortune when Wes performed THE ONLY SONG WES KNOWS for her. She then got shit-face sloppy drunk, called him the Modern Day Shakespeare, and decided to be a trifling whore and "snuggle" with him all night in his bunk. She also got dumped by her boyfriend back home, but she doesn't know that yet.

In the end it was sianara to Gia for being a dumb bitch and giving Wes the rose last week and then admitting to everyone that she was trying to oust Kiptyn in an effort to "break up the couples". And bon voyage to Weatherman for being... well... Weatherman.


  1. This show is just like summer camp!! An you know I loved me some summa camp!!

    I have a new name for Nikki. Considering her profound sideburns and her wicked butt chin, please allow me to introduce you to Captain WFT!

  2. "She also got dumped by her boyfriend back home, but she doesn't know that yet." HAHAHAHAHA! What a stupid trick...