Saturday, July 31, 2010

Judge not, lest ye be judged... which I am... so I do...


I'd like to think that I don't give a shit how people feel about me. That I am above all the petty opinions which literally matter none in my day to day. That I am confident enough and secure enough and kick ass enough to shirk all the whispers and eye rolls and silent judgments that are thrown like white hot darts at my already self-deprecating psyche.


Fact: EVERYONE gives a shit how people feel about them. And I am no exception.

But I am who I am, take it or leave it, right?


Not you, nor I, nor trendy-skinny-bitch-behind-the-counter-at-Nordstrom, nor humanitarian-African-orphanage-financial-and-spiritual-backer has it all figured out. And glass house or not, we all chuck stones every day of our lives...


And sometimes, rarely, but sometimes there is just no avoiding it.

Sure, there are instances where I might be well advised to keep my mouth shut. I could stand to not rely solely on my retelling of others' misfortunes in order to secure a laugh. I'm sure there are ways to entertain that don't involve sarcasm...



But that is NOT what this blog is about...

So to the haters, sippin' yo' Hater-ade, and hatin' on this hater... mind yo' business, and let me tend to mine.



Which, of course, is making fun of shit...

And today I choose to make fun of those asshole walking contradictions I like to call "The General Public"...

We all do it. I am not excluding myself from this mix. We, as a society, are morons. And the contradictions are everywhere.


We order diet soda with our fast food. We buy tampons and pregnancy tests in one transaction. We throw cough medicine and cigarettes into the same shopping bag. We buy a $5 coffee every morning on our way to the unemployment office.

We are logically retarded.

I once witnessed a man saunter into the gas station mini-mart, pull out $20 for gas, look outside to see which pump he was at, shake his head, squint his eyes, and then, and only then, did he realize that he had walked there. Giving the explanation that he knew he needed to get fuel for his car, so when he walked past the gas station he thought "Well now is as good a time as any..."

Ummmmmmmmmmm...

A woman in Tennessee was angry that her husband fell asleep with a lit cigarette in his hand. It had left a burn hole in the mattress. The next day she decided to leave her own lit cigarette on the bed to show him what would have happened had she not caught his in time.  The house burned down.

Again... Ummmmmmmmmmm...

I deal with people daily that have abandoned all sense. People who come to see their doctor because they are feeling better. People who call the office and ask for the phone number. People who stop in to see if we're open so that they can call to schedule an appointment when they get home...
 
My dad has a pet parrot. I asked if it was male or female. My dad replied, "It's male... unless he lays an egg, then I guess I've been wrong this whole time." My response? "Parrots lay eggs?"

... Seriously...


I have a sneaking suspicion that if there is life on other planets, witnessing this shit storm o' incompetence we display, they will soon act on their Diabolical Planet-Wide Takeover Mission, as we demonstrate daily that they, indeed, are the superior species... They'd have to be... we're the dumbest thing goin'...