Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Wake me up when Roberto gets naked...



Dear Ali,

You. bore. me. 

Xoxo,

Bachelor/Bachelorette Superfan

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Dear Kasey,

Ummmmmm..... hmmmmmmm.... I know you can't hear yourself, but if you could you might fully realize why you have yet to find someone to guard and protect your heart. There isn't a woman in the world that wouldn't call her local police department after five minutes alone with you. You obviously have extinguished the life of every gal who's ever left you. You obviously store the bodies in your crawl space. You obviously have rosacea. And you obviously have been lied to on several occasions about your "vocal stylings".


I ask now, that you resume crafting miniatures in your mom's basement, only surfacing for your audiology appointments. I feel the world will be a safer place.

Many thanks,

Anonymous
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Dear Chris N.~

Food for thought: When telling someone that you're funny, it helps to not stare directly at them in a sort of "I could wrap both hands around your neck and watch as the last morsel of breath escapes from your petite and helpless frame" kinda way.

Also, when asked what your "guilty pleasure" is... the correct answer is NEVER "Mexican food".


And finally, are you sure you're not the boom mic operator?

Sincerely confused and concerned,

J

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Dear "Rated R",

You are a GIHUNGUS POSER and your flavor saver SUCKS. Someone should tie you to a tree and kick the shit out of you, on principle alone. You are the worst.



And PS- Entertainment wrestling does not a hard ass make. It's not even a real job.

Piss off,

Your Worst Nightmare

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I love the Bachelor/Bacherlorette franchise for oh-so-many reasons. I love the absurdity of 25 people fighting for the same pre-selected mate. I love the manufactured emotions and outlandish courting. I love the pissing contests. I love the shit out of some drunk ass slobs attempting to woo with cohesive sentences. I love our host Chris Harrison, all business to the untrained eye, but really just as shallow and insulting as I. I love the sorostitute trash that somehow passes the bevy of STD checks required for casting. I. Love. This. Show.


I also understand that after 20 seasons as a loyal fan, my judgment may or may not be a smidge biased. I have seen the best of them (i.e. Andrew Firestone) and the worst (i.e. "Prince" Borghese). I have paid homage to the bananner jammers of yore. I've winced at the bad poetry and impromptu acoustic singer/songwriter moments. I've laughed. I've cried. I've cringed. I've regurgitated meals.

But even taking all that into consideration, I have to ask... Who the hell made Ali Fedotowsky The Bachelorette, and have they been fired yet?



This bitch is boring.

She does not make for good TV.

At least, in the past, when ABC execs have committed gross misconduct unbecoming a United States Entertainment Company they swung that pendulum to the furthest reaches of WTF. They were fully invested in forcing my skin to crawl right off my body and light itself on fire. (I'm looking at you Jake Pavelka) But in choosing Ali as The Bachelorette, it's like they've just given up. And on behalf of crazy ass reality TV whores such as myself, I say "Eat Shit ABC! Get your head in the game!"

The only saving grace for this, the 6th installment of The Bachelorette, are the ASSTARDS in the ring duking  it out for Ali... (and by "Ali" I mean, a lifetime of missionary positions and HGTV).

So hats off to you, the creepsters, the douche rockets, the awkwards, the deaf tattooed and clinically insane. You are the only reason I'm still here... Well that, and there isn't PISS on TV in the summer...

3 comments:

  1. a lifetime of missionary and HGTV? More like 6 months after the finale ends.

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  2. Yes, here is to another 6 month love fest for the tabloids - Jake and Vienna bit the dust already too!

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  3. Confession, I watched it for the first time ever this week for about 5 minutes when they were wearing winter hats and reading love "poems". I couldn't believe the cheesedicks! WHere do they find these dudes????

    ReplyDelete