Thursday, May 27, 2010

Dear Facebook, Can I have my job back? XOXO, Ali...

Well... it's official... we have hit ROCK BOTTOM...


Apparently when they say that "there are plenty of fish in the sea", the "fish" they are actually referencing are really a smattering of asstards, douche mongers, and serial killers...

and when they say "sea", what they actually mean is "their mom's basements"...

And the "they" that is saying all this ish is actually a group of chat-room enthusiasts and match.com sadists...

The good news is The Bachelorette is back...

 

The bad news is that The Bachelorette happens to be Ali Fedotowsky post weekly age-regression serum injections that rendered her physically and mentally comparable to that of a socially dwarfed 5 and 1/2 year old... (insert ear piercing manufactured Ali-giggle and pouty face here)

 

The TERRIBLE news is that never in my 30 years have I been exposed to a more ghastly collection of Table 9 Mutants than the 25 jack-offs selected to win Ali's heart, save my mild and brief obsession with frat parties (I'm looking at you Sig Eps)



Listen, I can get past the first-impression-skin-crawl reflex that inevitably sachets across my body when some dick-wad puffs out his chest and regurgitates a despicable collection of lines intended to spontaneously drop panties to the floor. I've been known to date (shag) a guy on the basis of charm alone (I'm looking at you Sig Eps). But this shit show is a virtual revolving door of one malformed, mildly terrifying suitor after the next.



Ali, Ali, Ali, if you weren't everything I hate about intelligent, capable girls who dumb-it-down and baby-talk-it-up to get a guy's attention, I might pity you and the journey you have just embarked on... but as it stands now, all I can say is hahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha, dumb bitch...



Here are my faves... And by "faves" I, of course, mean "What The Shit Were You Thinking ABC?!?!.. And Thank You"... in alphabetical order... because I just can't choose... I can't be made to choose...


Craig
I'm fairly certain this guy is already married... to Tori Spelling... and his name is actually Dean... and he has already been on a HORRENDOUS reality show... and it's called Tori & Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood

Craig (yes, again)
Gave Ali some crusty ass yellow Converse key chain that he, no doubt, purchased at his local Dollar Tree with the preface that he had one too, and "someday they could meet back up and become a pair again"... and then upon second glance realized that they were both bloody left shoes and that he has just succinctly and  unequivocally cemented his retardation for the whole of America

 
Frank
Takes residence in his mom's basement for sure. And lives amongst comic book figurines and dead hookers... that he has embalmed... and is currently concocting a formula for re-animation serum to bring them back to life... so that he can finally lose his virginity...

Hunter
Earned international fame playing the role of Gollum in The Lord of the Rings Trilogy. Off-set he learned to play the ukulele... sorta... and write REALLY SHITTY songs that he would later sing on national TV...
 John
I'm in theatre... I love my gays... And I REALLY love them when they step out of the closet and squash the "I'm fighting for the heart of a woman and am IN NO WAY doing this show so that I can participate in a 3 month slumber party with 24 other single men that may or may not get confused and lonely and in a fit of desperate solitude decide to reenact a scene from Brokeback with me" charade

John (yes, again)
I've seen this guy's drag show... in Vegas... I'm almost positive... 

Justin (aka Rated R)
Self-proclaimed "Entertainment Wrestler"... which is...??? Not a "Professional Wrestler"... Not a "WWE Wrestler"... An "Entertainment Wrestler"... Alter Ego = "Rated R"... Ummmm... the jokes write themselves, bitches...

Monday night just can't come soon enough... (that's what she said)

4 comments:

  1. I cannot believe you didn't give a eulogy for TedBundy McChuckWooleryHair. The fun you could have had with him....

    As for the rest of this post gold....pure gold....

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  2. Bahahhahahaha!! What a nightmare...this post reads like a "where are they now" of my degenerate high school class

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  3. John II = Adam Lampberts brother?!?

    I am not watching the Bachelorette, but I LOVE this recap anyways :-)

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  4. Yeah well, to the mutants at Table 9 "Love Stinks" and this is probably their best shot. To Ali, it's an extension of her 15 minutes. This season is going to be a sh*t show.

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