Sunday, April 25, 2010

I complain on Sundays...

A gaggle of gripes to satiate your craving for the bitter within me... Don't act like you're not excited...

Due to my unscheduled hiatus I have had several weeks to stew over this particular point of contention...

And it is as follows...

OMG! WTF, ANTM?!?!?



As you may have noticed, my Next Top Model updates have been limited to... well, two. Two posts about the show that has, in the past, been one of my favorite guilty pleasures. This is partly because I fail at life, and partly because THIS "CYCLE" SUCKS JAVALINA TESTES!

 (In case you haven't had the pleasure, this is a Javalina... or "Satan's Rat Pig" as it is sometimes called... by me. I will spare you the vision of it's testes)

Where's the drama? Where's the juicy, low blow, mascara tear inducing cat fights? Where are the attractive model types? WTF, ANTM?!?!?

It's come down to the sorostitues vs. the hood rats. A house divided. A shit ton of shrieky, shrill, nonsensical lunacy. Shouting matches about eggs and bunk assignments and fuck all... I can't even force myself to feign interest in these hookers teeny tiny little lives.

And what's worse? They're not pretty.

I pay a lot of money to watch attractive people do stupid shit. And every month, when my exorbitant cable bill arrives, I nod begrudgingly and say, "So effing worth it!" This cycle of whore bags is forcing me to reconsider my position...

I couldn't even type that with a straight face... Lies... NOTHING can come between me and my extended cable package... NOTHING!

 (And yes, I had the same haircut as a kid... And no, I don't still resent my mother... And yes, that last part was a lie)

That said, however, I do tune in every Wednesday, teeth clenched, white knuckled, hoping against hope that something blog-worthy will transpire.

And there it was...

A pattern...

A fatal flaw...

A wounded gazelle...

Our favorite Bat Shit Looney Toon, T. Banks, has taken to the 80's onesie like Oprah to a trough o' chocolate frosting,

like Josh Duhamel to transvestite clown hookers,


like Jon Gosselin to Ed Hardy... and fat...


Oh, and she doesn't stop there. She marries this wardrobe ATROCITY with Robert Palmer Music Video hair and innocent, unsuspecting, fabulous stilettos that deserve more respect and reverence than Ms. Banks can offer.


This has gone on for WEEKS now. Doesn't this show have stylists? Isn't this an enterprise based exclusively on the fashion industry? Aren't we, as viewers, expected to look to these style icons as an example of luxury and grace? WTF, ANTM?!?!





































I'm not ready to give up completely, my series recording shall remain intact. But I am losing my once unshakable faith in this particular "Bankable Production". The Reality TV graveyard is beckoning, and I'm ready to put down a non-refundable deposit to reserve the plot between Temptaion Island and Who Wants To Marry A Millionaire... Shape up, ANTM, or you'll be meeting your maker before Tyra can say something absurd in a poorly executed fake accent...

2 comments:

  1. I think Hilary Clinton would love the bluish one. Just saying.

    ReplyDelete
  2. She is simply getting ready for her role in the Dynasty remake!

    ReplyDelete