Sunday, March 28, 2010

I complain on Sundays...

And a writer's workshop to boot...

I'm all about killing two assholes with one bullet... or birds with stones... whichever's right...

That got weird... anyway...

A gaggle of gripes to satiate your craving for the bitter within me... Don't act like you're not excited...

AND... As an added bonus... I WANT TO BE MADE...

Jennifer Garner always bugged the shit out of me. I used to LOATHE Jennifer Garner. I didn't even know her real name. I called her "That home-wrecking slut Hannah".

That was her character's name on Felicity (One of the Top Ten Best Shows EVER). And while Felicity was actually the home-wrecking slut, I was on her team. Like we were homies. Like I had her back. Like stealing your dorm's RA from his long-time high school sweetheart was completely acceptable and forgivable, because it was meant to be... and who am I to fight fate, right? Turns out Felicity was destined to be with Ben Covington (my imaginary boyfriend) and "Hannah" and "Noel", the RA, got married in real life... go figure.

But that is neither here nor there... I COULDN'T STAND Jennifer Garner... She was whiny and obnoxious and manipulative and a stupid head.

Truth be told, I had no reason to hate her... I was just partially convinced that the characters on Felicity were real... and my friends... and I'm a loyal effing friend, yo!

Then a couple years passed and J.J. Abrams (if you're out there, HIRE ME!) the creative genius behind Felicity created a new show... it was called ALIAS... and it rocked my world.

I resisted at first. "That home-wrecking slut Hannah" hadn't earned my time. But after much cajoling from my BFF, I gave it a taste test. I was an INSTANT ADDICT. Like prime time crack, it was.

And that is when my entire world was turned on it's head. I didn't HATE Jennifer Garner. I WORSHIPED Jennifer Garner. I researched how to become a C.I.A. operative on the internet. I decided to join a gym to get all J. Garn Yoked Out (that never actually happened, but the seed was planted) I considered changing my name to Melbourne Bristow so that her character Sydney Bristow and I would be considered sisters (okay, again that never happened, but how amazingly crazy would it have been if it did?!?!?!)

Ever since that fateful night, my first screening of ALIAS, my life has never been the same. I have seen all her movies. I get excited when there's a celebrity spotting of her in my favorite gossip mags. I stop everything when a Noxzema commercial comes on because I'm sure she's talking directly to me. I own all the seasons of Felicity and ALIAS to get my fix while she's on hiatus. I am a J. Garn super fan.

Complaint: WHY AM I NOT JENNIFER GARNER?!?! Or at the very least, her best friend / I want to be made into JENNIFER GARNER or at the very least, her best friend...

For years now I have imagined what it would be like. J.J. Abrams in my back pocket. Kick ass body, kick ass roles, kick ass husband. She is the epitome of celebrity perfection. She's a no drama mama. And I could eat her in a pita pocket, she's so damn adorable.

I, on the other hand, am not Jennifer Garner. I am a medical receptionist. I am not married to Ben Affleck. I did not date Michael Vartan (if you're out there, MARRY ME!)

I do not have a six pack (on my stomach, I do in my fridge). I am as average as they come. But damn it, if I wouldn't consider punching an elderly in the teeth for just one day as J.Garn...

And I think I've earned it. I'm a good person (save the above comment about socking the elderly). I have my Bachelor's degree in Theatre. I have a contagious laugh. I've been told on several occasions that I "look just like Jennifer Garner"... (I've also been told that I "look just like Jeneane Garofalo and Alanis Morrisette and Demi Moore. People are idiots. They see long, dark hair and are blinded by the uncanny similarities to others with long, dark hair). But obviously the only comparison I really believe is the one about me and Jen. I DESERVE to be JENNIFER GARNER. And everyday that I wake up and I'm not, I'm pissed.

So, MTV and/or Jen, I think it's high time your lazy asses came and found me. I'll be at a doctor's office... dealing with other people's feces... and dry heaving whilst cutting myself in the back bathroom... screaming to the heavens "WHY ME? WHHHYYYYY MEEEEEE?!?!"... you can't miss me.


  1. I never did watch Felicity but I do love Jennifer Garner. And her cute babies. :)

  2. Okay, the part where you said you could eat her in a pita, I totally read that wrong - and it gave this post an entire new meaning! It's the dimples - I want the dimples.

  3. I want to hate her...but she's just so dang sweet...

  4. She is so cute! And I have always had a thing for powerful women. They are my idols and who I strive to be! Sydney Bristow oozed with awesomeness and power! Yeah, I want to be her too.

  5. OMG...I have the HUGEST girl crush on JGarn! Why can't we all just be besties? WHY?????!!!

  6. Hehe. I adore her, it's true.

  7. This was hilarious. How can I follow you on Twitter?