Monday, March 8, 2010

I complain on... Mondays?

A gaggle of gripes to satiate your craving for the bitter within me... Don't act like your not excited...

So I'm a smidge late with this week's sardonic rampage...

I'm sorry. Sick as a dog, I was yesterday. And the post would surely have been about my inability to function as a normal human being and/or breathe from the nose...

But never fear, complaining is here...

And this week I bitch about The Death of the Jingle (I will not lump The Death of the Sitcom Theme Song in with it, as I feel they are equally deserving of their own posts... But I assure you, next week, it's on)

That said, what the hell happened to The Jingle?!?!

When I was growing up there was a catchy little ditty attached to nearly every product out there, from tampons to Big Wheels... a no nonsense way to cement the necessity of useless objects into the minds of easily influenced and greedy crumb-snatchers... I miss that shit. I miss humming along. I miss the camaraderie of a spontaneous Jingle Sing-Along. I miss "Honey Combs big, yeah, yeah, yeah, It's not small, no, no, no"...

Who are these elitist bastards that deemed The Jingle unnecessary? Because they are morons. I hardly know what's for sale anymore. And perhaps this is why our economy has been in the shitter for the past... well, a while... (I won't even pretend to know when the recession actually began, I can't even remember what I wore yesterday)

The Jingle was the cornerstone of my shopping experience. I knew what "it" was, where "it" was, how cleverly "it" rhymed with other words, and how much I couldn't live without "it". Now I'm just some asshole roaming the aisles of the local Target, frazzled by the abundance of product that I've never heard of... It blows, and it's not very effective.

I have an impressive ability to recall the most worthless of information... always have. Useless trivia is my forte. And therefore, a large portion of my brain capacity is filled with Jingles throughout the ages. Nostalgic reminders of a simpler time.

Here are some of my faves:

  • You'll love the first bite, outrageously right, new Kudos granola snacks. Nutty or fudge. Chocolate chip or peanut butter. Kudos I love you over any other. Electrifyin'. Granolafyin'. Simply nutritious. Outrageously delicious! Kudos, I'm yours! I'm yours! Kudos, I'm yours!
  • 'Tato Skins got baked potato appeal, cuz they're made with potatoes and skins that are real. Cheddar Cheese and Bacon, Sour Cream and Chives, blend it all together, you won't believe your eyes, they're made with potatoes and skins that are real, new Keebler 'Tato Skins, baked potato appeal.

  • Lite Brite, Lite Brite, turn on the magic of colored light, Lite Brite, Lite Brite, make a face to light the night.
  • O.B., it's the way you should be, keep it simple, and set yourself free, from the extras, that you really don't need, just try O.B. and you'll see.
  • Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun... and/or Big Mac, Filet o' Fish, Quarter Pounder, French Fry, Icy Coke, Cold Shake, Sundaes, and Apple Pies, you deserve a break today, so go to the one and only place, McDonald's...

    And those are just the first five that elbowed their way to the front of my noggin'... there are thousands more where that came from... and all I'm sayin' is that my step has a little less skip in it then it did in the days of The Jingle... It is possible this is because I've aged 20 years, but I'm pinning on the asstards that put the kibosh on the only redeemable part of the commercial break...

    Furthermore, what fate did The Jingle writer's of America face? They were already hacks. Failed musician types, hardly able to hold their heads up as they walked down the street, with the knowledge of their own spineless inclination to sell-out for a quick buck. Where did they go? Back to Mom's musty basement? Drafting kitschy, poetic personal ads, cutting themselves, and chugging Mountain Dew in the dark? Where lie the long forgotten Jingle Artists of our time? And did they ever receive the respect that was their due?

    R.I.P. Jingle Geniuses... R.I.P.

    I'm pissed on your behalf.


    1. Your right - without hearing 'Give me a break, give me a break, break me off a piece of that Kit Kat bar' I no longer know kit kats are out there!

    2. I have the kit kat jingle in my head from back in the day. Or "the best part of waking Foldger's in your cup" that's all I got today.

    3. Almond Joy's gots nuts, Peter Paul Mounds don't!
      Sometimes you feel like a nut
      Sometimes you don't1

      What would you dooo ooo ooo for a Klondike bar?

      You're right, bring back the jingle!

    4. does anyone besides me remember the mountain dew song "drink mountain dew and you'll discover a citrus flavor like no other its cool it goes down easy too." Nobody but me seems to remember it.