Saturday, March 27, 2010

ANTM Update: Just a little late... (I made it rhyme on purpose, that's just how I roll)

Have you had it up to here (puts right hand to forehead) with my shitty excuses yet?

Cuz I have...

I can't even come up with good one's anymore...

But seriously, I haven't posted anything about ANTM yet because my Grandma was on her way to my new place... and her bus got hijacked... by a flock of penguins... who forced her to smoke crack... and kill the other passengers with her bare hands... and then she whipped out her switchblade... and cut those penguin bitches... barely escaping with her life... and I was subpoenaed... and held in witness protection... until the trial... which wrapped just this morning...

Don't worry... Grandma was acquitted... And I blog once again... You're welcome.

On to the show.

Due to the heart wrenching and emotionally scarring family emergency that pulled me away from this here topic, I am faced with offering my P.O.V. on 2 episodes... I'll attempt to be brief, but let's be honest, I've never been brief in my life... (that's what she said)



The second installment of Kooky Kooks Bat Shit Looney Modeling Competition, or "ANTM" for short, provided us with two eliminations. And let's face it, watching freakishly tall, malnourished, ridiculously attractive hooker-bots cry is really what it's all about. So goody goody gumdrops...


At the top of the episode we said goodbye to St. Louis' own, Gabrielle. Way to represent, bitch. I thought you was gangsta... I thought you'd shank a hooker to get ahead... I was mistaken. Model FAIL. And she was sent back to da 'hood via public transportation, no doubt. You know Tyra ain't springing for no "Fierce Bus" to schlepp the rejects back to where they came from.



The jelly filling of the episode was typical Next Top Model fare. Screaming, cursing, feeble attempts at becoming the Alpha Model of the house. Basically a house replete with amazon sorostitutes fighting over the same frat douche, which in this case is named Wilhelmina Modeling Agency.

In the challenge, the "ladies" (term used as loosely as humanly possible) were made to walk in a runway show... but not just any runway show... the most EFFED UP runway show the producers could possibly fathom in the most sadistic caverns of their minds. The decision was made to swing giant pendulums at the rail thin contestants whilst trudging down the catwalk in 7 inch stilettos. And can I just say... BRAVO!



Our token plus-size, Alexandra, didn't even make it down the stairs before succumbing to the MOST MORTIFYING 3 MINUTES IN TOP MODEL HISTORY...

I will not pretend that I'm funny enough to do a play-by-play justice, so please to enjoy the real thing...



Meanwhile, my Cult-tastic favorite, Naduah, proved to be a menace. Apparently being born into a religious cult with 98 brothers and sisters and not a shred of legitimate parenting really messes with your sense of reality... who knew? She spent the majority of on-camera time spinning tales of asinine proportions about ludicrous happenings bordering on laughable... In short, BITCH IS PATHOLOGICAL. Oh and PS, she also takes a shitty picture. So I lose... or rather, she does, because she was sent back to that imaginary town she lives in to frolic amongst the unicorns.



This week's episode was much less interesting... which is to say, no one fell on their ass in front of millions of viewers... TWICE...

There was a photo shoot (obvy) where the girls were told to be inspired by a genre of dance. It was perhaps the most lackluster display of "inspiration" I ever did see. The make-up, hair, and costuming departments should get a raise, the "talent" should get their skulls cracked together ala Three Stooges. The only thing they "inspired" me to do was flip the channel to Cheaters on Fox Reality Channel... (if you haven't partook of that brilliance, I urge you to do so). Each gal was given one on one time with some professional dancer fella who taught them some basic steps to their assigned area of dance...


This information was immediately purged and replaced with daydreams of shiny objects and rainbows. I have never seen such a display of incompetence... And I watch A LOT of reality TV...

So without our Cult-a-licious Liar, and one Ghetto Skank down, we were left to feed upon a harsh dose of boo hoo hoos in the style of Emo-Ren...


Poor, poor, Ren... she's such a unique individual... no one understands her... she didn't know what she was signing up for... her mother never loved her until she made it on the show... being hipster is super hard... screw the system... eff this ish... I'm going to go be a cutter now...


And apparently Ren, in all her edginess missed the chapter on what the hell Disco was...


She wasted countless moments of my life whining about wanting to go home, and then when confronted by Tyra, put her hard ass tail between her legs and told her she wanted to stay... Luckily, whoever actually makes the decisions on that show decided to offer up her walking papers...



And we are now left with 10 of the least interesting characters to grace the CW since One Tree Hill... and Smallville... oh, and Life Unexpected... and 90210... and, of course, Melrose Place...

How does this network even exist?!?!

4 comments:

  1. the best part of last week's episode was Tyra's nude jumpsuit onesie or whatever the hell that getup was.

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  2. Ha! I was just coming to comment on Tyra's outfit, too! And did you notice how you could see her different colored nude bra underneath? I actually had to rewind it twice, to make sure that was really her outfit!

    And I'm sorry, but when that poor girl fell down the stairs, I laughed out loud. And then, THEN, she fell off the runway. I would have just crawled away at that point.

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  3. Yes, indeed. I had aspirations of a Tyranny sized tangent in regards to said nude Star Trek Voyager jumpsuit, but with all my opinions on it the post would've broken world record lengths. Thank you ladies for pointing it out. And a giant " BRAVA" to whoever decided that shoulder pads were back!

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