Thursday, March 11, 2010

And so it begins... America's Next Never-To-Be-Heard-From-Again...

I'd like to start by saying that it makes me sad when I lose followers... I don't have very many, and when they go away, a little piece of me dies. I realize this bloggy world is a fickle business, and that I'm just not for everyone, but don't you give up on me! I'll do better!

And to those who've clicked "Unfollow"... I don't NEED you anyway. I'm a strong, confident woman. You were holding me back from realizing my true potential. And don't you ever for a second get to thinkin' your irreplaceable.

I put your stuff in the yard, you best come get it.

xoxo

For the 63 of you still out there... this one's dedicated to you...

And it's all about Cycle 14 of ANTM... The world is right once again.



For those of you who do not partake in the sheer brilliance of the Next Top Model franchise, I urge you to reconsider. If this reality catastrophe teaches us only one thing, it is this... It don't matter how hot you are, "crazy" is non-discriminatory... And moderately attractive, circus freak tall, ghetto bitches are the key demographic for Bonker Sauce sales...


Last night marked the maiden voyage of the new batch of 13 genetically blessed contestants. At the helm, our fearless wacko, Tyra Banks... who is bat shit bananas, by the by... and her fabulously gay duo, Mr. and Miss Jay.


I've been watching the show since it's conception 13 seasons ago. Riveted as the former supermodel mentally deteriorates and horizontally expands with each new installment. And just when you think she couldn't possibly find another marble to lose, along comes a new season of ludicrous antics and absurdity.

Each new cycle finds itself neck deep in a theme, beating said theme within an inch of it's life, one more ridonkulous than the next. Cycle 14 decided to exploit the popularity of social networking sites with an introduction to a Tyra-inspired website called "myfiercepage.com"... yes, that's correct... "myfiercepage.com".

The "site" was capable of accepting only 13 Fierce Requests... clever, right? So of the 32 semi-finalists, 19 had to pack up their stilettos and head back to the harsh reality of Middle America Mall Modeling. The next 45 minutes were a blur of bad puns and Perez Hilton (Why Perez? You ask. If there were an answer, I would surely provide it. However, I too, am in a quandary...) Nonsensical words were tossed around like a hacky-sack in a Community College quad... Terms like "Ty-overs", instead of make-overs, and "Net-walking skills", presumably a play on "networking" and "cat walking"...(cue slow head shake and simultaneous eye roll)

In the end, we were left with 3 or 4 attractive model-types, 4 ghetto ass hoes who are sure to bring the sass, and about 5 or 6 SOMEONE-LIED-TO-YOUs. Ty-overs be damned, a few of these leggy hoes require more than a celebrity-sized re-vamp... Might I suggest some Spackle and an industrial strength power sander?


And as a preemptive strike against the defenses' interrogation that is sure follow this post : No, I am not a model. No, I am not tall enough, beautiful enough, skinny enough, or photogenic enough. Yes, I do know models that are stunning and smart and humble. Yes, I am most likely jealous. And yes, it's pretty good from the cheap seats. However, if you sign up for insta-fame via reality TV, you've earned my opinion.

The 13 ANTM Finalists: (in order from "I'd Consider Killing Puppies To Look Like You" to "One Way Ticket Back To Shutter Island, If You Please)

1) Naduah: Raised in a religious cult... Ambiguous dialect... Rocks that shaved head



2)  Simone: Sorority girl like whoa... But when she shuts her mouth, stunning...


3) Ren: Edgy, bizarre, hard ass... That girl I've always longed to be... sans hairy pits...


4) Tatianna: Boring as all hell... but models don't have to be interesting, right?... they're just pretty to look at...


5) Jessica: Pregnant at 16... married at 17... Corn fed and innocent... Can't wait to watch her squirm...

6) Brenda: Saucy little minx... Tyra was sure to de-sexify her by lopping off all her fiery locks...

7) Alexandra: Our token "Plus-Size" contestant... and by that, of course they mean, "The Size of a Normal Human Being, save the 6 extra inches vertically"... Still waiting to see if she can pull it out in the clutch...


8) Krista: EAT A PIZZA!... this bitch needs some nourishment... and an attitude adjustment...


9) Raina: Eyes to kill for... Eyebrows to scrub clean every greasy pan in the Tri-State area...


10) Anslee: She got a little ghetto in her... Already making waves... And doesn't exactly have the goods to back her words...
11) Alasia: 90 minutes of her and I'm ready to crawl right out of my skin... Irritates the shit out of me... Too much of everything... Too loud... Too obnoxious... Too dramatic... Too hood rat...Too shrill... Too fake... TOO MUCH!

12) Gabrielle: Straight outta Compton... or St. Louis, whatev... She live the thug life and she ain't ashamed... This is the girl you become friends with in high school so a) she won't kick yo ass and b) she will cut a bitch on your behalf...

13) Angelea: And I'm terrified... TERR.I.FIED... This is the girl you just pray NEVER notices you in high school, 'cause you so much as smile crooked and you're swallowing teeth... Also, Thank You, Tyra, this one is sure to bring hours of viewing giddiness...

5 comments:

  1. weird freaking outfits. I used to love ANTM! I'll get my fix via you, if you don't mind. :) Sounds much more interesting (and just as dramatic) as the Bachelor. :D

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  2. I love the craziness of ANTM - although if Tyra left the show completley and left it to the 'J's I would be more pleased! Can't wait to see the mayhem and drama - the things I live for in my reality tv!

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  3. Krista, #6, really? I think she is super unattractive. Too boney for me I guess. But models are allowed to be boney?

    And Gabrielle's thugness isn't cute, but I see the model :)

    Anyway, just saying hi. And I was unfollowed a couple days ago too.

    Boo! to unfollowing!

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  4. I'm so embarrassed....I totally wore the same outfit as Alexandra to work today! I hope noone noticed!

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