Wednesday, February 24, 2010

The Women Don't Say Much... But Jake's Heart Knows How To Cry...

My life currently sucks bullocks...

I'm nursing a sinus infection, strep throat, and a broken heart...

I did, however, see an adorable little 20-something gal driving a truck with the logo "Pooper Trooper: Animal Waste Control" emblazoned on the side... which means that it COULD, in fact, be worse...


But in the interest of keeping y'all up to date on the catastrophe that is The Bachelor: On The Wings Of Love, I will selflessly set aside my personal tragedies and blog...

You're welcome...

Ah, The Women Tell All...

One exclusive night that gathers a stage full of jaded women, the man who dumped them all, and a live studio audience... (rubbing hands together in a conniving and diabolical way whilst throwing head back and cackling a'la Cruella Daville)


I often fantasize about a nationally televised confrontation between myself and all those countless douche mongers that have sent me packing... But then that would require me to openly admit that I spent any amount of time mourning the loss of those relationships... and that would just be embarrassing... so strike that...



Back to the show, and my list of reasons why The Women Tell All was DELICIOUS...

  • Michelle~   Everyone's favorite Looney Toon was put in the Chris Harrison Hot Seat... Obvy... While Chris mumbled thinly veiled jabs at her mental state and openly mocked her over-productive tear ducts, Michelle, all crazy about the eyes she was, defended her actions... Even stating several times "I have no regrets", further confirming that she manufactures her own particular brand of crazy... ummmm... Michelle, did you happen to watch the show at all? Might I suggest regretting the moment you stepped out of the limo and told Jake you wanted to be his co-pilot clear until about the time you manipulated him into kissing you and then were promptly asked to leave mid-date... and EVERY BAT SHIT CRAZY MOMENT IN-BETWEEN...?
  • Elizabeth~ Called out on her sad little carrot dangling act, she admitted that it "looked like" she was playing games on the show, but it "hadn't occurred to her" in the moment as she was whipping out the game board and calling dibs on the Top Hat... I call bull shit and will now mentally catalog her appropriately in the "Has Been" Files and forever forget that she exists...
  • Gia~ The Swimsuit Beauty, and my personal fave, was shown a heart wrenching montage of "The Love That Once Was", forced to relive the brutal rose-tastrophe wherein she lost out to Vienna, and then given 5.4 seconds to speak her piece... RIPPED OFF! I vote Gia the new Bachelorette... stay strong you sexy minx!
  • Ali~ Cried and whined and cried and whined and cried and whined and played the martyr card by publicly apologizing to Vienna... Spineless. Ali was never a front runner for me. But apparently, I am of the minority because that mopey bitch got triple the stage time that Gia got, and she CHOSE to leave... Hey Ali, you sell ad space on Facebook. Perhaps you could hire a monkey to temp for you as you lose your heart to Pilot Asstard... ya know, for next time...
  • Rozlyn~ What a dumb slut! I've known a LOT of liars in my 30 years and never have I witnessed a LAMER attempt at concealing the obvious truth. While accusations and eye-witness accounts of Rozlyn and "unnamed Bachelor producer" philandering up and down the mansion flew, nary an explanation was provided. There were numerous hints at what could have been rebuttals...
    • "Oh My... (sigh, eye roll)"
    • "You Are Kiddi... (expulsion of air, head shake)"
    • "On My Son's Life... (crazy eyes, lip tremble)"
And alas, no ACTUAL complete sentences were uttered to refute the undeniable liaison... She did make a feeble attempt at smearing Our Host Chris Harrison's name to no avail... The jury is in, Roz... You Are A Plastic Clown Hooker...
  • Jake~ The Ex... Noticeably fantasizing about climbing out of his own skin to avoid this very public reckoning, he held his own, surprisingly. NOT bewildering, however, was the number of uncomfortable chuckles that bellowed from his overly-creased Cruise-mug, nor the impressive manner in which he spoke solely out of the right side of his mouth. He also brushed off the very idea of Gia even being in the same state as him by failing to acknowledge that her heart could be heard shattering ambiently. Then, turning to Ali, His Walker Texas Douchness admitted that watching her leave caused his heart to cry... Not as much as when Goose died in that flight drill, but whatev...

When Our Host Chris Harrison asked if he was happy with his decision, he hesitantly replied "yes"... which means one of two things:
    1) He picked Tenley, and is anxiously awaiting taking her born-again virginity in the not-so-foreseeable future. Meanwhile, they are filling their pristine hours choreographing The Dance That's In His Crying Heart


    2) He picked Vienna, "her" penis was finally revealed, he stopped denying that he only agreed to be on the show because he thought that 25 eligible BACHELORS would be fighting for him, and he gets a strange kick out of Vienna's dad/boyfriend walking in on their sexual experimentation


    Whichever way you slice it, we all lose. There is no happy ending to be had here... Unless we get a new Bachelorette out of all this... and then all those countless hours of cringe-inducing lunacy were not spent in vain... fingers crossed.

    On the upside, Mesnick and Molly will shamelessly televise their nuptials the Monday after the finale on abc's dime... As if to say "Eat shit, Melissa! Just because you got famous after we publicly humiliated you doesn't mean we can't drag out our 15 minutes and rape the network that brought us together by forcing them to foot the bill for our vapid ceremony, knowing full well that we ceased to be relevant months ago! Dumb happy, successful, married-before-us, whore!" (And yes, I will be watching)

    4 comments:

    1. HAhaha! I was thinking when you said Gia should be the next Bachelorette, I thought or she could go on to DWTS ala Melissa Rycroft. Haha.

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    2. Oh how I've been waiting for your post. SO SO sorry that you are nursing a broken heart and a sinus infection. You are a trooper and make a good name for all Bachelors devotees in the world!

      I hope you feel better soon, both mentally and physically!

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    3. I've been looking forward to this post too,not being able to watch the show I only get to hear about it through posts. What's going to be next a version where a number of boys fight over one girl - then it would be nowhere near as much fun to watch/read about.

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    4. LOL I hope Gia doesn't become the new Bachelorette - she sounds too good for this show.

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