Tuesday, February 16, 2010

What happens in St. Lucia... makes for poor TV...

I think that Vienna transvestite is gonna win the whole thing...

Which leads me to the iron-clad conclusion that this is just a super long, drawn out, moderately well executed episode of Punk'd. And at the finale, Ashton Kutcher will be standing on that man-made rock podium instead of Jake. And instead of roses he'll have those clown flowers that squirt water when you go to smell them. And instead of "Will You Accept This Rose?" he'll say, in that ridiculously sophomoric way of his "There's a camera there, and a camera there... and a camera RIGHT THERE!"

And while, irritated as hell that I just wasted two months watching that preposterous, moronic prank show that I LOATHE in the very depths of my soul, I will find some relief and much needed clarity as to WHAT THE HELL VIENNA IS DOING IN THE TOP TWO!!!!!

That is the only logical justification for this circus...

Last night's episode SUCKED GONADS...

So I provide you with an abbreviated version, much easier to swallow...

  • Arrive in St. Lucia... Jake says "Can you believe were here?!?!!? ST. LUCIA!!!" x 7
  • Date with Gia (aka the HOTTEST BITCH Jake will EVER lay his hands on EVER) 
    • Walk around St. Lucia
    • Jake dancing like a 7th grade boy with a disability and a boner
    • Kissing/swimming/kissing/swimming
    • Dinner on the beach (standard Bachelor fare)
    • Fantasy Suite Invitation "...if you decide to forego your individual rooms, please use this key to stay as a couple in our fantasy suite..."
    • Bathing suit clad bubble bath
    • "I'm falling in love with you"s...
  • Date with Tenley (aka The Dance That's In My Heart's prima ballerina)
    • Helicopter ride (The Bachelor's go-to move)
    • Motor boat, motor boat, go so slow
    • Picnic in scary monkey rain forest
    • Talk of Tenley's Ex-Husband... weird
    • Dinner
    • Fantasy Suite Invitation
    • Jake says the phrase "I've only been with one man my whole life", there is potential he is speaking as Tenley, there is equal potential he is confessing his own "dance that's in his heart"
    • Swimming/kissing/swimming/kissing
    • "I'm falling in love with you"s...
  • Date with Vienna (aka Tucked Penis and Blonde Extensions)
    • Pirate ship... not kidding
    • Kissing on bow with no less than 24 crew members just feet away
    • Tons o' Pirate references i.e. eye patch, plastic sword, pirate bandana, walking of plank 
    • Jake and Vienna "swim" 3.4 miles to shore
    • Kissing/swimming/kissing/swimming 
    • Dinner
    • "I'm falling in love with you"s...
    • Fantasy Suite Invitation
    • Jill ripping off her own skin and lighting it on fire to distract her from imagining the wonky, mismatched pee-pee reveal-and-explain (Vienna = Schlong, Jake = Va-jay-jay) that went on in said Fantasy Suite
  • The Ali Call
    • Ali- "I made a mistake"
    • Jake- "It's been 6 days, I don't love you anymore"
    • Ali- "Please! My job sucks... I forgot"
    • Jake- "No, Ali! I have recently fallen in love with lots of other women"
    • Ali- "Damn it! I've never been to St. Lucia"
And then Jake Pavelka confirmed his Royal Douche Nozzledom once and for all by sending home the swimsuit model and keeping this...


There. Are. No. More. Words.


  1. so sorry vienna is still in the game. i really think it was planned out this way. if she is chosen, i'm sure all bachelor fans will revolt. i was hoping when she changed into her lingerie that the "tucked penis" would be revealed in the fantasy suite. instead it played out like the intro in a bad soft porno flick, complete with corny music and forced horniness. jake is a douche. i heard that ali will be the new bachelorette. what a {scripted} trainwreck that will be. take care.

  2. I hate this show - but yet, I find myself still watching. Jake is pathetic and Vienna is just plan nasty - match made in heaven.

  3. Vienna is fugly. Gross. They must script this stuff. I'm just kind of appalled that they basically tell them "here's a key to a room for you to have sex in" - like this guy can't figure it out who he wants to marry unless he sleeps with every girl on the show?

  4. Yes this was much easier to swallow than the actual show. Hmmmm....I just got this flash of Ace Ventura Pet Detective when he found out she was a HE! hahahaha. Maybe Ace will lend Jake his plunger.

  5. Oh my gosh, really, can I come watch the Finale with you?