Wednesday, February 3, 2010

This isn't about sex appeal... it's about vomiting bile on my flat screen TV...


Dear Jake Pavelka (aka The Bachelor),

I know I've spent a lot of time painting a somewhat offensive portrait of your ass-tardness with my words... But it is at this moment that I would like to profoundly thank you for your poor decision making skills, your obvious night blindness, your propensity for The Crazy, and your uncanny ability to deafen your ears to the high pitched shrieks and nauseating baby talk that can only be described as my own personal hell...

I thank you with the utmost sincerity for handing a rose to Tenley... even though it is quite clear to everyone within ear shot that the dumb bitch would beat you senseless with the business end of her chastity belt if there were even the slightest hope of getting her cheating husband back...


I thank you for eliminating Corrie... because, clearly, her own admission of virginity forced you to take a serious look at your own... and brought to light the very real difference between her voluntary celibacy and your 31 years of unwitting abstinence caused by your palpable lack of game...


I thank you for putting what small dignity you have aside and proudly donning that Gap Kids cotton turtleneck, all snug and mortifying.


And most of all... I thank you for keeping Vienna in my life for another week. A "woman" who's odd and  terrifying resemblance to our host Chris Harrison was only realized this episode and therefore hasn't been exploited nearly enough...


A "woman" who is not afraid to present shimself in the style of Chuck Woolery circa Love Connection fame.

A "woman" who not only penned the book Stalking for Dummies... but has also demonstrated as only a true huntress could, the most effective ways to put said manual to use in the "real" world...


For these things, and so much more, I thank you. You are the perfect man... if your idea of the "perfect man" is a working class imbecile complete with nervous laugh, a flare for the dramatics, and a highly sensitive cry-like-a-bitch reflex...


Looking forward to the home town dates...

Best,

jill


4 comments:

  1. thanks for the bachelor update. i tuned in for a few minutes to the episode where ali took jake around sf and the one girl admitted she was a virgin. i figured she would be eliminated since jake seems like a horny guy. vienna is ugly and annoying, but makes for great reality tv. take care.

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  2. So I heard that Vienna was MARRIED before to a poor unsuspecting dude and she stole ALL his money while he was in Iraq! OOOOO...I hope it's true!

    Head on over to my blog today...you'll find a litte award for your awesomeness over there!

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  3. lol is he really that big a loser? usually they pick better guys, right?

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  4. Does he have money? I don't watch so I don't know. But usually the guy has a lot going for him. Looks, money, career....etc. Love your updates!

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