Wednesday, February 10, 2010

There's no place like home... except, of course, On The Wings Of Love....

Just... when... you... thought... it... couldn't... get... any... worse better worse better worse...

I welcome you, friends, to Episode 1406- The Bachelor: On The Wings Of Love... Hometown Dates

The Hometown Dates rank in the Top 2 Bachelor/Bachelorette episodes each season, alongside episode 1 which is our first peek into the Wondrous World of Kook that lies before us. Hometowns are a glimpse into the weird and wacky reality of our final four. A quick dip in the gene pool responsible for what can only be described as desperation run-a-muck.

First Stop:

Gia~ New York, New York

Gia figured the best way to show Jake "her city" was by boat... having lived in NYC, I can assure you that the WORST way to experience the city is by boat... Perhaps she would've done better meeting him at the Newark Airport and showing him a postcard of the city... But to each his own, as they say.

Post Worst Ever Tour Of New York City, Gia and Jake met up with her blended family in Rockefeller Center... at the classiest restaurant the five have ever collectively set foot in... Hey, abc, you're picking up the tab, right?

There was twalk of no one hurtin' our G and of breakin' legs if he do... there were tarot cards and tears... and there was Gia's protective little brother, Pauly Dilbert, who was all kinds of intimidating... on opposite day...



Strangely, we never made it over to the burrow of Queens to see our fair Gia's digs, but all in all it was a trip to remember... and everything I expected it to be...

Next stop:

Ali~ Williamstown, Massachusetts

I'm neither here nor there with Ali. I don't despise, I don't adore... I mock when called upon. And I certainly understand the pain and anguish associated with losing someone close to you... But that said, Ali decided to open her hometown with the eeriest walk down Dead Grandma Lane in recent history. Upon his arrival to Massachusetts, Jake was immediately abducted and taken to Ali's DEAD GRANDMOTHER'S ABANDONED HOUSE... where a lone picture of said Grandmother (may she rest in peace) sat on an empty mantle... ummmmm....super romantic...

We then met Ali's fam... it was instantly clear that Mom was a smidge cuckoo-ka-choo, hence Ali's love and endless mourning for the sanity of Grams... The standard Parent/Bachelor pull-aside took place as Mom attempted to swallow her certifiable lunacy and ask those hard hitting questions everyone demands the answers to... i.e. How do you feel about family? Do you like my daughter? What are your thoughts on meat loaf?

 I came away from the date knowing two things for certain:

1) It's time to put Grandma's house on the market
and
2) I will not soon be booking a flight to Williamstown, Massachusetts...

Hometown #3:

Tenley~ Newberg, Oregon

Blah, blah, blah, fall leaves, polka-dot rainboots, park benches and wine and kisses...And then to the good stuff. Tenley took Mr. Pavelka to the dance studio she "grew up in". She thought it a good idea for her potential husband to see "the dance that's in her heart".


And so she danced... all alone...

While Jake watched from a stool in the corner... a "lyrical choreography"... a virtual frenzy of kicks and twirls... a truly humilliating display...


and then...

................awkward.............. obligated compliments........ nervous laughter......... and off to Tenley's parent's to break bread...

Listen, I'm a Pacific Northwesterner... I have a great love and dedication to all that is this great region... And while I might not personally exercise my right to decorate my home Shabby Farm Chic, I know plenty who do... And just because I don't personally have a homemade afghan thrown akimbo over the back of every rocking chair within a 45 mile radius, I don't judge... But Tenley's family has beaten the last dying breath out of the Pacific Northwest stereotype...

A congregation of Good and Wholesome commenced. It was uncomfortable and forced and squeaky clean jelly bean... It was all that one would expect of the loins from which Tenley was birthed... Laura Ingalls Wilder would've been proud.


Jake left Oregon feeling as though he had found his way home... a place where his virginity was secure and squeaky clean reigned supreme...

So where better to go next then the southern fried back waters of Vienna's white trash playground...

Vienna~ Sanford, Florida

You wouldn't know it to look at shim, but evidently Vienna was raised on a river... or "the bayou" to be more exact... "That's her", as she so eloquently put it, nature, river, gators... mm hmm... I TOTALLY buy it. She seems so down-to-earth and outdoorsy... or maybe instead, like a pathological faker... either way...


We arrive at Vienna's parent's home via river boat and are greeted by the WILDLY INAPPROPRIATE relationship between Vincent and Vienna, who are allegedly father and daughter (son). I was half-expecting an uninhibited make-out session mid-greeting, but alas, they saved it for off-camera.


We also met Vienna's 5th or 6th "step-mom" i.e. "Vincent's beard strategically placed to throw neighbors off the scent of the vomit inducing taboo goings-on with daughter".

Jake was then taken by Dad to his Dead Hooker Barn where he threatened and terrified The Bachelor with his possessive and overly invested "My Daughter Is A Princess" speech which caused Jake to laugh nervously... weird.


And then back to LA we went for the highly anticipated rose ceremony... But wait... Not so fast...

Ali decided it imperative to pull an Ed Swiderski, which is too say, arrive at Jake's hotel room door, alligator tears and sad puppy dog face in tow, and drop the bomb on him that if she doesn't leave the show she will lose her job, in the attempt to lure him into confessing his love for her and sending all the other potential mates home in what would no doubt go down in history as THE MOST SHOCKING ROSE CEREMONY EVER!



Manipulation FAIL...



Jake did NOT confess his love, and Ali chose her job over the man she shares with three others... No elimination required...



Stay tuned for next week as Ali's dumb ass tries to take it all back... 

Didn't see that coming...

6 comments:

  1. Oh my gosh...I am dying over this post! I wish you lived here so we could watch the Bachelor together. I am soooooo with you on the Vienna/Vincent Love connection...As they say on Ferris Beuler's Day Off "So THAT"S how it is in their family"! Shudder!

    I must admit that I love love love Tenley. Even though he calls her Tinley. I felt like her mom kept saying her name so he'd catch on...Tenley. TEN-ley. TENLEY you moron!!

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  2. great recap. all the talk of the show being scripted and staged and i can't believe viewers are only thinking this now after all the seasons of bachelor/ette. they all have contracts with ABC and have a plan. i hope no one out there believes these people are actually being "real" and that they will find true love. i read an article that boasted how the Biggest Loser has made 5 love matches and most are all married, or getting married, and the bachelor/ette has produced 1, Trista and Ryan, and possibly 2 if last year's couple gets married. who do you think Jake will choose?

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  3. this is Great.....I have to send it to my daughter now......You are great

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  4. They all sounds so horrendous, I don't think we have the programme here, but I think I'd be hooked if I found it, so I better not look!

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  5. Stacy~ I'm a Gia girl myself... Tenley's voice makes me want to rip off all my skin...

    S Club Mama~ Clearly they find these people in chat rooms... for crazies... with dating deficiencies...

    Kiki~ It's Tenley or Vince... I mean, Vienna... but it should be Gia...

    Teresa~ Thank you!

    JadeLD~ Don't look for it... you would be hooked... (Full Episodes at www.abc.go.com)

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