Sunday, February 14, 2010

I complain on Sundays...

A gaggle of gripes to satiate your craving for the bitter within me... Don't act like you're not excited...

Today's gripe?

The Adult Twi-hard...

Okay... okay... I have a confession.

It's not easy. And I would appreciate your support throughout this difficult admission...

After months and months of cajoling and urging and manipulating and coaxing, against my better judgment and everything grown-up inside me.... I.... started reading... the Twilight series...

(insert eye roll/gasp/dry heave/disappointed head shake here)

It was not without resistance. I vowed that if I wasn't "feelin' it" after the first fifty pages the books would be swiftly returned to their rightful owner, never to be visited again. And as I begrudgingly drug my feet through chapter after chapter, justifying my shameful tweener behavior with the silent mantra, "millions of people can't be wrong", I set free the caged uber geek inside me.

Forever the hopeless romantic am I, and vampire or no vampire, werewolf or no ridiculous mythological heartthrob, I'm a sucker for a good love story.

And I'll be the first to say it... that sassy little Mormon can write!

But I only signed on for the books... the "good, quick read" as it were... Not the crazy...  I repel the crazy!

I am indeed, behind the times, as the rest of the 6th graders and self deprecating adult population have long since finished the saga and are anxiously awaiting the next flick... I have not... But I'm pretty damn close... The cheese stands alone.

And as I expose this dark place within me to the bloggy masses, I will qualify my declaration with this, there is NOTHING worse than a Twi-hard... except, of course, The Adult Twi-hard.

My first actual Adult Twi-hard encounter came just days ago... at that special corner of hell I call my job...

It should come as no surprise to me, really. The Bat Shit Crazy Looney Bus has but one stop... and it is the curb in front of my office. They wander in. They travel in packs. They are the reason I hug my knees as I cry myself to sleep at night.

But this day, I asked for it. Rather, begged for it. I unlocked the Wacky Gate and handed this one a written invitation to dance the cuckoo dance on what tiny sliver of sanity I had left...

She had been in the waiting room a while. I felt bad. The doctor was running behind. She was middle-aged, she was with her teenage son, she was a tad odd looking, but not overtly deranged. I noticed her reading a book. I did not see the cover. I made a fatal error in judgment...I initiated conversation...

Me: What book are you reading?

Her: New Moon. I've already read it, though. I've read them all... six times... (she had a lisp)

Me: Oh, wow... you're a super fan... (realizing what I'd just done, fake smile, back-pedaling, trying desperately to look busy, answering phone that isn't ringing)

Her: Have you read them?

Me: (pretending to listen to "patient" on other end of the dial tone, pointer finger and eyebrows raised, mouthing "just a sec")

Her: (ignoring all social guidelines... louder this time) I've read them all... SIX TIMES...

Me: (defeated, hanging up phone) Mmmm hmmm.. yeah... you mentioned that...

Her: I didn't get to see the first movie in the theater. I waited for it to come out on DVD and then I bought it and that was the first time I'd seen it. I've watched it prob'ly a hundred times. I'm 50. I think I'm the oldest Twilight fan in the world. That makes me special. I haven't seen New Moon yet. Is it good? Let me ask you something, what do they do when Edward leaves? Do they do it good 'n the movie? I'll have to wait for it to come out on DVD. My girlfriend and I were gonna go see it, but she couldn't go with me so I'm just gonna buy it on March 20th. I can't believe I have to wait that long...

Me: Wow... you even know the DVD release date... hmmmm... super cool... (staring at computer screen, pressing buttons at random so as to appear swamped with work)

Her: Let me ask you something, do you think Breaking Dawn should be two movies or one movie? I'm not even gonna get into what would happen if it was only one movie. There so much. It would be really great if it was two movies. More Edward (snort, giggle, snort). I love that Edward. They would have to leave lotsa stuff out if it was just one movie... don't even get me started...

Me: (uncomfortable giggle, standing up in the effort to appear like I'm being called away from the immediate vicinity)

Her: (apparently taking this move as an invitation to approach the bench with evidence of her Twi-hard obsession) Look! I mean, ha, LOOK! (pulls two New Moon bookmarks out of purse)

Me: Oh... yeah... look at that...

Her: (unbuttoning coat, flashing a faded, black, t-shirt with "Edward" and "Bella" silk screened dead center)

 (And PS- Apparently, amongst all the Twi-mania, she's had nary a moment to bathe)

Her: I have three shirts. Edward and Bella. Bella and Jacob. And Edward and Bella and Jacob together. That's my favorite, but it's dirty. My son has one too, look!

(Son reluctantly setting copy of Eclipse on the neighboring waiting room chair to unbutton his jacket and display his own version of "Edward and Bella")

Son: (doomed to forever keep his virginity in tact) I fit in her t-shirts too, so it's like I have four and she has three cuz she's too big to fit in mine, but I can fit in hers.

Me: Oooooo, that's lucky...

Her: I even have posters in my bedroom. All over. (removing "Edward" and "Bella" figurines from purse) And I carry these with me wherever I go. I mean, ha, ha, I really, REALLY, love Twilight...

Me: You don't say...

Nurse: C'mon in. We're ready for you now.

Me: (head in hands, blood oozing from ear canals, and resisting urge to kiss nurse full on the mouth for responding to the Code Blue alarm call silently screaming in my head)

Never again... Never. Again.


  1. So so so so creepy. I think a real vampire would be less creepy.

  2. I don't even know what to say.

  3. No way! Are you kidding? I mean, I know some people are freaks but that's ridiculous. I've read the books and the books are great. I've seen the first movie (a few months after it was out on DVD) - two times (once with my husband and once when I didn't have to explain things to him). I'll see New Moon...when my library picks it up.

    You should read Hunger Games, though. It's fantastic.

  4. How distrubing. I will admit that I did read the books, and enjoyed them (as a quick read, and I don't normally read books about Vampires & such). But what a nut job, I just don't get the obsession.

    & her poor sone {shakes head}

  5. I have a neighbor that has a full size cardboard cut out of Edward in her bedroom - talk about creepy. I have read the books and seen the movies (because I love a good comedy)but, I just don't get the whole screaming, dreaming of vampires thing.

  6. There is such a thing as HIPAA laws....and I don't appreciate you telling everyone my business.

    Whatever happened to doctor's receptionist - patient confidentiality?

  7. Creeeeeeepy! Hilarious though. :-)

  8. I have just started reading the series. it's sad when we cave isn't it? But wow, that lady was truly missing a few bolts wasn't she?

  9. I just died laughing. Amazing. And almost too out there to believe. I feel bad for you, don't get me wrong... BUT THE CHILD! Aww... he needs to be rescued...

  10. I seriously thought you were gonna say the son was gonna look up and give you the twirling fingers in cirles around his head my mom is seriuosly looney please save me signal. BUT.... you HAD to go there? He's as looney as she is. I have to know... Did HE have a lisp too? Thought so! :-)

    P.S. I'd love more readers too. Come visit me if you get a chance!