Sunday, February 28, 2010

I usually complain on Sundays...

I can't complain today...

There is an excess of negative energy in me right now, I am drowning in it. So I am choosing not to strap on the cinder blocks and sink any deeper...

Instead I shall focus on the things I am grateful for... because that's what it's really all about anyway...

~Ro~ 
My best friend of 16 years... who ALWAYS has my back... who ALWAYS takes me in... who ALWAYS knows what to say... who ALWAYS helps me up after I've been knocked down... who ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS encourages me to be the very best version of me...



~Lola-Bell~ 
My "wifey"... my soul sister... who listens when I speak... who reminds me how to laugh again... who's beauty is infinite both inside and out... who always has a shoulder to cry on or a couch to sleep on or a clever insult aimed at whoever has made me sad...who's just like me, and I like her, and no one quite like us... 



~Mags~ 
Me, just 6 years ago... who doesn't know her own strength even as I'm awed by it... who is a shining star in my sky... who speaks with reckless abandon and honesty... who knows just what I need and just when I need it... who isn't afraid of being exactly who she is... who loves unconditionally even when it hasn't been earned but especially when it has...



~My Mama~ 
My rock... who only wants me to be happy no matter what... who is ALWAYS cheering me on and holding me up... who is the strongest person I know...


~The Bachelor Finale~  
Enough said...



~A Job Interview~ 
at a theater... NOT at a doctor's office... and not a movie theater, a REAL theater...


~A New Apartment~ 
with "wifey"... and hardwood floors... and a pool... and a view of the water... downtown...



~Cherry Blossoms~ 
blooming... which are just the happiest trees out there...


~Hope~
...and faith. 
That it will get better... and that it's not really that bad... 
and that 
"Whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should..." ~Max Ehrmann


~Compassion~ 
and human decency... holding doors for strangers... picking up a toy that someone else's child dropped in the street and running to catch up to them and give it back... buying Girl Scout Cookies to send overseas... daily phone calls from friends just to "check in"... helping an elderly person up the stairs...


~My Fabulous Shoe Collection~
because they really are just FABULOUS...


~Creative Outlets~ 
acting... writing... singing... dancing... how sad a life without art might be...


~Laughter~ 
tear inducing... belly clutching... cheek hurting... laughter... and all those who bring that into my life... including me...


~Chick Flicks~ 
hope for the hopeless... that the fairytale really does exist... and that we all deserve it...


~Cab Drivers~ 
who tell stories in broken English... about how they can't watch people dance... because the music consumes them... and they just HAVE to grab the closest lady and hit the floor... as if a force more powerful than them is at hand...


~Forensic Shows~  
because they are FASCINATING... and they keep my head occupied and searching and learning... because when all else fails there is Investigation Discovery Channel and truTV...


Friday, February 26, 2010

If there weren't questions... there would be no answers...


You guessed it! It's 5QF! 
1. Do you sing karaoke? If so, what is your go to song?
You know I do! I have been studying the ancient art of karaoke for several years. I favor "the duet" as my go to warm-up, but once the pipes are warm there's no tellin' what'll happen...

Standards include Total Eclipse of the Heart, Love Will Keep Us Together, and These Boots Are Made For Walkin'... 
L.O.V.E. me some karaoke!

2. What is your favorite coffee drink?
I'm from Seattle... The birthplace of the froo-froo, put-some-coffee-in-your-coffee, insanity. And I don't like the taste of coffee... I do like the taste of ooey-gooey sweetness though... You will understand shortly the necessity for the preface...

My coffee drink is a 16 oz. sugar-free white chocolate mocha breve with sugar-free raspberry syrup, no whip... ridiculous.

3. If you could choose your own name, what would it be?
Englebert Humperdink, no question... Wait, that's taken? Damn it! 
Then, Jill Pitt... 
or Jill Beckham... 
or Jill That-Hot-Ass-Contestant-On-This-Season-Of-American-Idol


4. Were you ever bullied?
Hell yes I was bullied. There was a petition going around my elementary school that everyone signed promising not to be my friend... Effin' bullies SUCK!
They'll get theirs, though. (Throws head back while eyes turn red, chortling vindictively)

5. How often do you eat fast food?

As much and as often as I possibly can. I'm in training to become a contestant on The Biggest Loser... 


Wednesday, February 24, 2010

The Women Don't Say Much... But Jake's Heart Knows How To Cry...

My life currently sucks bullocks...

I'm nursing a sinus infection, strep throat, and a broken heart...

I did, however, see an adorable little 20-something gal driving a truck with the logo "Pooper Trooper: Animal Waste Control" emblazoned on the side... which means that it COULD, in fact, be worse...


But in the interest of keeping y'all up to date on the catastrophe that is The Bachelor: On The Wings Of Love, I will selflessly set aside my personal tragedies and blog...

You're welcome...

Ah, The Women Tell All...

One exclusive night that gathers a stage full of jaded women, the man who dumped them all, and a live studio audience... (rubbing hands together in a conniving and diabolical way whilst throwing head back and cackling a'la Cruella Daville)


I often fantasize about a nationally televised confrontation between myself and all those countless douche mongers that have sent me packing... But then that would require me to openly admit that I spent any amount of time mourning the loss of those relationships... and that would just be embarrassing... so strike that...



Back to the show, and my list of reasons why The Women Tell All was DELICIOUS...

  • Michelle~   Everyone's favorite Looney Toon was put in the Chris Harrison Hot Seat... Obvy... While Chris mumbled thinly veiled jabs at her mental state and openly mocked her over-productive tear ducts, Michelle, all crazy about the eyes she was, defended her actions... Even stating several times "I have no regrets", further confirming that she manufactures her own particular brand of crazy... ummmm... Michelle, did you happen to watch the show at all? Might I suggest regretting the moment you stepped out of the limo and told Jake you wanted to be his co-pilot clear until about the time you manipulated him into kissing you and then were promptly asked to leave mid-date... and EVERY BAT SHIT CRAZY MOMENT IN-BETWEEN...?
  • Elizabeth~ Called out on her sad little carrot dangling act, she admitted that it "looked like" she was playing games on the show, but it "hadn't occurred to her" in the moment as she was whipping out the game board and calling dibs on the Top Hat... I call bull shit and will now mentally catalog her appropriately in the "Has Been" Files and forever forget that she exists...
  • Gia~ The Swimsuit Beauty, and my personal fave, was shown a heart wrenching montage of "The Love That Once Was", forced to relive the brutal rose-tastrophe wherein she lost out to Vienna, and then given 5.4 seconds to speak her piece... RIPPED OFF! I vote Gia the new Bachelorette... stay strong you sexy minx!
  • Ali~ Cried and whined and cried and whined and cried and whined and played the martyr card by publicly apologizing to Vienna... Spineless. Ali was never a front runner for me. But apparently, I am of the minority because that mopey bitch got triple the stage time that Gia got, and she CHOSE to leave... Hey Ali, you sell ad space on Facebook. Perhaps you could hire a monkey to temp for you as you lose your heart to Pilot Asstard... ya know, for next time...
  • Rozlyn~ What a dumb slut! I've known a LOT of liars in my 30 years and never have I witnessed a LAMER attempt at concealing the obvious truth. While accusations and eye-witness accounts of Rozlyn and "unnamed Bachelor producer" philandering up and down the mansion flew, nary an explanation was provided. There were numerous hints at what could have been rebuttals...
    • "Oh My... (sigh, eye roll)"
    • "You Are Kiddi... (expulsion of air, head shake)"
    • "On My Son's Life... (crazy eyes, lip tremble)"
And alas, no ACTUAL complete sentences were uttered to refute the undeniable liaison... She did make a feeble attempt at smearing Our Host Chris Harrison's name to no avail... The jury is in, Roz... You Are A Plastic Clown Hooker...
  • Jake~ The Ex... Noticeably fantasizing about climbing out of his own skin to avoid this very public reckoning, he held his own, surprisingly. NOT bewildering, however, was the number of uncomfortable chuckles that bellowed from his overly-creased Cruise-mug, nor the impressive manner in which he spoke solely out of the right side of his mouth. He also brushed off the very idea of Gia even being in the same state as him by failing to acknowledge that her heart could be heard shattering ambiently. Then, turning to Ali, His Walker Texas Douchness admitted that watching her leave caused his heart to cry... Not as much as when Goose died in that flight drill, but whatev...

When Our Host Chris Harrison asked if he was happy with his decision, he hesitantly replied "yes"... which means one of two things:
    1) He picked Tenley, and is anxiously awaiting taking her born-again virginity in the not-so-foreseeable future. Meanwhile, they are filling their pristine hours choreographing The Dance That's In His Crying Heart


    2) He picked Vienna, "her" penis was finally revealed, he stopped denying that he only agreed to be on the show because he thought that 25 eligible BACHELORS would be fighting for him, and he gets a strange kick out of Vienna's dad/boyfriend walking in on their sexual experimentation


    Whichever way you slice it, we all lose. There is no happy ending to be had here... Unless we get a new Bachelorette out of all this... and then all those countless hours of cringe-inducing lunacy were not spent in vain... fingers crossed.

    On the upside, Mesnick and Molly will shamelessly televise their nuptials the Monday after the finale on abc's dime... As if to say "Eat shit, Melissa! Just because you got famous after we publicly humiliated you doesn't mean we can't drag out our 15 minutes and rape the network that brought us together by forcing them to foot the bill for our vapid ceremony, knowing full well that we ceased to be relevant months ago! Dumb happy, successful, married-before-us, whore!" (And yes, I will be watching)

    Tuesday, February 16, 2010

    What happens in St. Lucia... makes for poor TV...

    I think that Vienna transvestite is gonna win the whole thing...

    Which leads me to the iron-clad conclusion that this is just a super long, drawn out, moderately well executed episode of Punk'd. And at the finale, Ashton Kutcher will be standing on that man-made rock podium instead of Jake. And instead of roses he'll have those clown flowers that squirt water when you go to smell them. And instead of "Will You Accept This Rose?" he'll say, in that ridiculously sophomoric way of his "There's a camera there, and a camera there... and a camera RIGHT THERE!"


    And while, irritated as hell that I just wasted two months watching that preposterous, moronic prank show that I LOATHE in the very depths of my soul, I will find some relief and much needed clarity as to WHAT THE HELL VIENNA IS DOING IN THE TOP TWO!!!!!

    That is the only logical justification for this circus...

    Last night's episode SUCKED GONADS...

    So I provide you with an abbreviated version, much easier to swallow...


    • Arrive in St. Lucia... Jake says "Can you believe were here?!?!!? ST. LUCIA!!!" x 7
    • Date with Gia (aka the HOTTEST BITCH Jake will EVER lay his hands on EVER) 
      • Walk around St. Lucia
      • Jake dancing like a 7th grade boy with a disability and a boner
      • Kissing/swimming/kissing/swimming
      • Dinner on the beach (standard Bachelor fare)
      • Fantasy Suite Invitation "...if you decide to forego your individual rooms, please use this key to stay as a couple in our fantasy suite..."
      • Bathing suit clad bubble bath
      • "I'm falling in love with you"s...
    • Date with Tenley (aka The Dance That's In My Heart's prima ballerina)
      • Helicopter ride (The Bachelor's go-to move)
      • Motor boat, motor boat, go so slow
      • Picnic in scary monkey rain forest
      • Talk of Tenley's Ex-Husband... weird
      • Dinner
      • Fantasy Suite Invitation
      • Jake says the phrase "I've only been with one man my whole life", there is potential he is speaking as Tenley, there is equal potential he is confessing his own "dance that's in his heart"
      • Swimming/kissing/swimming/kissing
      • "I'm falling in love with you"s...
    • Date with Vienna (aka Tucked Penis and Blonde Extensions)
      • Pirate ship... not kidding
      • Kissing on bow with no less than 24 crew members just feet away
      • Tons o' Pirate references i.e. eye patch, plastic sword, pirate bandana, walking of plank 
      • Jake and Vienna "swim" 3.4 miles to shore
      • Kissing/swimming/kissing/swimming 
      • Dinner
      • "I'm falling in love with you"s...
      • Fantasy Suite Invitation
      • Jill ripping off her own skin and lighting it on fire to distract her from imagining the wonky, mismatched pee-pee reveal-and-explain (Vienna = Schlong, Jake = Va-jay-jay) that went on in said Fantasy Suite
    • The Ali Call
      • Ali- "I made a mistake"
      • Jake- "It's been 6 days, I don't love you anymore"
      • Ali- "Please! My job sucks... I forgot"
      • Jake- "No, Ali! I have recently fallen in love with lots of other women"
      • Ali- "Damn it! I've never been to St. Lucia"
    And then Jake Pavelka confirmed his Royal Douche Nozzledom once and for all by sending home the swimsuit model and keeping this...

     

    There. Are. No. More. Words.

    Sunday, February 14, 2010

    I complain on Sundays...

    A gaggle of gripes to satiate your craving for the bitter within me... Don't act like you're not excited...

    Today's gripe?

    The Adult Twi-hard...

    Okay... okay... I have a confession.

    It's not easy. And I would appreciate your support throughout this difficult admission...

    After months and months of cajoling and urging and manipulating and coaxing, against my better judgment and everything grown-up inside me.... I.... started reading... the Twilight series...

    (insert eye roll/gasp/dry heave/disappointed head shake here)

    It was not without resistance. I vowed that if I wasn't "feelin' it" after the first fifty pages the books would be swiftly returned to their rightful owner, never to be visited again. And as I begrudgingly drug my feet through chapter after chapter, justifying my shameful tweener behavior with the silent mantra, "millions of people can't be wrong", I set free the caged uber geek inside me.

    Forever the hopeless romantic am I, and vampire or no vampire, werewolf or no ridiculous mythological heartthrob, I'm a sucker for a good love story.

    And I'll be the first to say it... that sassy little Mormon can write!

    But I only signed on for the books... the "good, quick read" as it were... Not the crazy...  I repel the crazy!



    I am indeed, behind the times, as the rest of the 6th graders and self deprecating adult population have long since finished the saga and are anxiously awaiting the next flick... I have not... But I'm pretty damn close... The cheese stands alone.

    And as I expose this dark place within me to the bloggy masses, I will qualify my declaration with this, there is NOTHING worse than a Twi-hard... except, of course, The Adult Twi-hard.

    My first actual Adult Twi-hard encounter came just days ago... at that special corner of hell I call my job...

    It should come as no surprise to me, really. The Bat Shit Crazy Looney Bus has but one stop... and it is the curb in front of my office. They wander in. They travel in packs. They are the reason I hug my knees as I cry myself to sleep at night.

    But this day, I asked for it. Rather, begged for it. I unlocked the Wacky Gate and handed this one a written invitation to dance the cuckoo dance on what tiny sliver of sanity I had left...



    She had been in the waiting room a while. I felt bad. The doctor was running behind. She was middle-aged, she was with her teenage son, she was a tad odd looking, but not overtly deranged. I noticed her reading a book. I did not see the cover. I made a fatal error in judgment...I initiated conversation...

    Me: What book are you reading?

    Her: New Moon. I've already read it, though. I've read them all... six times... (she had a lisp)


    Me: Oh, wow... you're a super fan... (realizing what I'd just done, fake smile, back-pedaling, trying desperately to look busy, answering phone that isn't ringing)

    Her: Have you read them?

    Me: (pretending to listen to "patient" on other end of the dial tone, pointer finger and eyebrows raised, mouthing "just a sec")

    Her: (ignoring all social guidelines... louder this time) I've read them all... SIX TIMES...

    Me: (defeated, hanging up phone) Mmmm hmmm.. yeah... you mentioned that...

    Her: I didn't get to see the first movie in the theater. I waited for it to come out on DVD and then I bought it and that was the first time I'd seen it. I've watched it prob'ly a hundred times. I'm 50. I think I'm the oldest Twilight fan in the world. That makes me special. I haven't seen New Moon yet. Is it good? Let me ask you something, what do they do when Edward leaves? Do they do it good 'n the movie? I'll have to wait for it to come out on DVD. My girlfriend and I were gonna go see it, but she couldn't go with me so I'm just gonna buy it on March 20th. I can't believe I have to wait that long...


    Me: Wow... you even know the DVD release date... hmmmm... super cool... (staring at computer screen, pressing buttons at random so as to appear swamped with work)

    Her: Let me ask you something, do you think Breaking Dawn should be two movies or one movie? I'm not even gonna get into what would happen if it was only one movie. There so much. It would be really great if it was two movies. More Edward (snort, giggle, snort). I love that Edward. They would have to leave lotsa stuff out if it was just one movie... don't even get me started...


    Me: (uncomfortable giggle, standing up in the effort to appear like I'm being called away from the immediate vicinity)

    Her: (apparently taking this move as an invitation to approach the bench with evidence of her Twi-hard obsession) Look! I mean, ha, LOOK! (pulls two New Moon bookmarks out of purse)

    Me: Oh... yeah... look at that...


    Her: (unbuttoning coat, flashing a faded, black, t-shirt with "Edward" and "Bella" silk screened dead center)

     (And PS- Apparently, amongst all the Twi-mania, she's had nary a moment to bathe)

    Her: I have three shirts. Edward and Bella. Bella and Jacob. And Edward and Bella and Jacob together. That's my favorite, but it's dirty. My son has one too, look!

    (Son reluctantly setting copy of Eclipse on the neighboring waiting room chair to unbutton his jacket and display his own version of "Edward and Bella")

    Son: (doomed to forever keep his virginity in tact) I fit in her t-shirts too, so it's like I have four and she has three cuz she's too big to fit in mine, but I can fit in hers.

    Me: Oooooo, that's lucky...

    Her: I even have posters in my bedroom. All over. (removing "Edward" and "Bella" figurines from purse) And I carry these with me wherever I go. I mean, ha, ha, I really, REALLY, love Twilight...



    Me: You don't say...

    Nurse: C'mon in. We're ready for you now.

    Me: (head in hands, blood oozing from ear canals, and resisting urge to kiss nurse full on the mouth for responding to the Code Blue alarm call silently screaming in my head)

    Never again... Never. Again.