In the endless effort to provide you with the most accurate and unbiased reporting, I had a homeless friend of mine do some "Investigative Research" in the dumpster behind abc Studios this week. What he found may shed some light on the bally-hoo that was last night's episode of The Bachelor...
Production Meeting Minutes:
The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love
Episode 1404- Planning & Execution
11:02am- Call to order
11:03-11:07am- Roll Call-
- Kevin Finn- Director
- Ken Fuchs- Director
- Chris Harrison- Host
- Steven Matty- Story Producer
- Jenny Siff- Script Supervisor
- Jake Pavelka- Douche Monger
- Ratings are down since Jake Pavelka was cast. No one can bear to watch this monstrosity. Can no longer afford rent on Bachelor/Bachelorette mansions.
- Cancel show
- Swap out Jake for attractive, successful, desirable Bachelor substitute. Hope remaining sluts are too dim to notice.
- Move the show into two RVs. Pretend it's a spin. Film spontaneous "road trip". Force bitches to camp.
- Costuming- Jake- more flannel, more leather elbow patches, more Eddie Bauer, more vests, more Wranglers
- Script- interviews are too seamless, need more fragmented sentences, mixed metaphors, misused words, mispronunciations- please integrate
- Jessie- looked borderline human last episode, need to up the pug factor, more "buggy eye" footage, perhaps add green eye shadow in whorish amounts to accentuate and, if possible, a Staten Island hooker dress
- Ashleigh- too classy, try to get shot of her flashing cooter and throwing herself unsuccessfully at Bachelor
- Gia- too "modely", more uncomfortable laughter, try to get her to wear grossly inappropriate camping outfits- include stilettos and kimonos, orchestrate bonding over high school outcast syndrome, stage"off the cuff" spin-the-bottle play
- Vienna- good on shit talk, good on flagrance, audience still not fully convinced of XY chromosomal make-up, picture of Vince (Vienna pre-op) has been located, try to avoid leaking to press prior to final rose ceremony.
- Climax: Must find the "X" factor
- More Jake tears
- Eliminate more women than required
- Capture Vince/Vienna face plant down sand dune
- Throw unused roses in fire
11:49am- Meeting Adjourned