Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Wouldn't be a Monday without an asshat in plaid...

In the endless effort to provide you with the most accurate and unbiased reporting, I had a homeless friend of mine do some "Investigative Research" in the dumpster behind abc Studios this week. What he found may shed some light on the bally-hoo that was last night's episode of The Bachelor...

Production Meeting Minutes:

The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love

Episode 1404- Planning & Execution

11:02am- Call to order

11:03-11:07am- Roll Call-

In Attendance

  • Kevin Finn- Director
  • Ken Fuchs- Director
  • Chris Harrison- Host
  • Steven Matty- Story Producer
  • Jenny Siff- Script Supervisor
  • Jake Pavelka- Douche Monger
  • Ratings are down since Jake Pavelka was cast. No one can bear to watch this monstrosity. Can no longer afford rent on Bachelor/Bachelorette mansions. 
    • Suggestions: 
      • Cancel show
      • Swap out Jake for attractive, successful, desirable Bachelor substitute. Hope remaining sluts are too dim to notice.
      • Move the show into two RVs. Pretend it's a spin. Film spontaneous "road trip". Force bitches to camp.

    • Costuming- Jake- more flannel, more leather elbow patches, more Eddie Bauer, more vests, more Wranglers
    • Script- interviews are too seamless, need more fragmented sentences, mixed metaphors, misused words, mispronunciations- please integrate
    • Cast- 
      • Jessie- looked borderline human last episode, need to up the pug factor, more "buggy eye" footage, perhaps add green eye shadow in whorish amounts to accentuate and, if possible, a Staten Island hooker dress

      • Ashleigh- too classy, try to get shot of her flashing cooter and throwing herself unsuccessfully at Bachelor

      • Gia- too "modely", more uncomfortable laughter, try to get her to wear grossly inappropriate camping outfits- include stilettos and kimonos, orchestrate bonding over high school outcast syndrome, stage"off the cuff" spin-the-bottle play
      • Vienna- good on shit talk, good on flagrance, audience still not fully convinced of XY chromosomal make-up, picture of Vince (Vienna pre-op) has been located, try to avoid leaking to press prior to final rose ceremony. 

      • Climax: Must find the "X" factor
        • Suggestions:
          • More Jake tears
          • Eliminate more women than required
          • Capture Vince/Vienna face plant down sand dune
          • Throw unused roses in fire

      11:49am- Meeting Adjourned


      1. This is from Jason: good synopsis. Did the ex husband work at a restaraunt?

      2. Written like only someone who knows how to write stuff that sounds like it came from a real producers meeting could write.

        Pictures well played and everything was oh so spot on.

        Jason, I will continue to try to cover for you when I feel like you're being misunderstood....but you're making it...difficult.

      3. I need to start watching this shit. Where do they find these trainwreck hookers? I can't believe it's called "On the wings of love"...wowwwwww

      4. thanks to you and mama kat, i don't have to watch this trainwreck of a show. great post. i think you need to actually submit it to producers at ABC. take care.

      5. HAHAHAHA! I love your commentary! Keep it up!

      6. "Jason"- Yes, he worked at a restaurant... hence the divorce...

        Kat- No need to help Jason... he's had 13 years of me... he should know better than to say things that I can make fun of...

        Amy- Please. Please. Please. watch. There are no words I could provide to do this mess it's due justice.

        Kiki- See comment to Amy.

        Lourie- Happy to do it! This stuff is gold... the jokes write themselves...