Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Rozlyn, will you accept these walking papers...

Remember last week when I casually mentioned that Rozlyn was not above soliciting sex for fame...? Apparently my ESP was in overdrive...

Spoiler alert: Rozlyn is a GINORMOUS slut!

Right on cue, episode 2, the dumb hoe bag is asked to leave the show due to her "inappropriate relationship with a 'Bachelor' staffer"... translation: Rozlyn couldn't keep her tweeter in her pants long enough to make it through 2 rose ceremonies, and no doubt acquired/transferred four or five strains of gonorrhea in the process.Well done, indeed!

When confronted with said "inappropriate relationship" she rebutted with the oh-so-conspicuous "I don't think my personal life is anyone's business"... A poorly veiled admission of guilt, and furthermore, Ummmmm... YOU'RE ON A REALITY DATING SHOW, DUMB ASS! YOU'RE PERSONAL LIFE IS EVERYONE'S BUSINESS PER YOUR REQUEST!

E! Online has reports from Rozlyn's modeling agent (aka Pimp) stating that Rozlyn left the show on her own accord because she has a 7 year old son that she was not allowed to talk to or tell The Bachelor about. And if that were true, good for her! Motherhood comes first! However, there are some minor holes in this water tight alibi...

  1. The entire viewing audience watched her skank ass get kicked off the show by our host Chris Harrison
  2. The entire viewing audience also watched her face turn 17 shades of crimson when called on her whore-licious rendezvous with the Bachelor staffer
  3. Every person who has ever been on The Bachelor or The Bachelorette that has children has been "allowed" to talk about them, bring them on the show, and/or introduce them to their respective suitors

Verdict: Rozlyn is a GINORMOUS slut!

In other Bachelor news...

Michelle, our resident crazy, made no attempt to mask the looney-within-her, week 2. At one point, packing her bags upon not receiving a date with Jake, spouting off idle threats of her departure. This, of course, lasted until she got some attention, at which point she cried... weird.

Christina "the dumb bitch" emerged as this season's drunk girl, slurring nonsensical anecdotes and forming partly coherent sentences all the while winking awkwardly and sweating profusely. This awesome display, unfortunately, led to her untimely exit, and for my part, generated some overhasty excitement for The Women Tell All... Put her in the hot seat, Chris, put her in the hot seat!

Vienna got her hate on for all the women that didn't have to go through the same gender reassignment trauma that she did. She made a point to target the prettiest girls, which TOTALLY threw us off the scent that she is consumed with jealousy and feels justifiably inadequate...

Everyone else, including Bachelor Jake, was completely unremarkable in every way. With these few exceptions...

  • Jake's bumbling and mortifying attempt to cut a rug with Ali
  • The band Chicago sounding more like "the dying cat parade" than "the multi-platinum group" they claim to be
  • The show's editors blasting Jeffrey Osborne's hit "On The Wings Of Love" during a perfectly ri-cock-ulous plane ride montage with The Bachelor himself in the pilot seat
  • The entirety of the remaining women shedding actual tears when confronted with Rozlyn's indiscretions as if it affected them in ANY WAY that wasn't utterly beneficial...
Just. Keeps. Getting. Better. I love you American Broadcasting Company!


  1. We mustn't be away from each other during this show again mmkay? Stop getting hungover. Except you can get hungover next Sunday because I'm not going to be able to make it...but after that no.

  2. I have never watched The Bachelor but your recaps make it pretty obvious that I need to start.

  3. You make me want to watch the show.... almost.

  4. I don't watch it either...but I might just make fun of everyone. haha. Loved your recap!

  5. Kat, agreed. It shan't happen again...

    Amy, Jen, and Lourie, trust me when I tell you it is TOTALLY worth the 2 hour investment each week!

  6. The preggers chick cracked me up!