Wednesday, January 6, 2010

On the wings of a wanker... Bachelor edition...

Hey, remember when Tom Cruise was hot? When you could watch him play shirtless volleyball with Val Kilmer for hours on end? Or when your naughty bits rejoiced each time you watched his flawless cross-examination of Jack Nicholson? Or when the way he poured a cocktail made you swear to a life of alcoholism? Back before he morphed into a gihungus douche-tologist, displacing all sex appeal and sense of humor along the way, striking fear into the hearts of Dawson's Creek fans everywhere? Remember that?

The new Bachelor is NOT the spitting image of that guy...

The new Bachelor IS, however, a dead ringer for the crazy sauced new and deranged Tom Cruise we all know and loathe. I might even go as far as calling Jake Pavelka a LAME ASS TOM CRUISE DOPPELGANGER...

























I offer proof...

Exhibit A: The uncomfortable laugh when there is no funny to speak of

Exhibit B: Those smile lines, dear God, the smile lines

Exhibit C: The questionable sexuality

Exhibit D: The bend-over-a-railing-and-cry-like-a-little-girl-who's-BFF-Goose-just-plummeted-to-his-untimely-death-during-a-Top-Gun-flight-drill

Each, of which, causes me to dry heave when trying to swallow the prospect of having to endure months of the asstard that is the new Bachelor...

And yet... here are the reasons I swallow my bile like a big girl and trudge on...

  • Tenley... yes, Tenley: had kissed one man prior to the show, prepared a list of her "good" qualities which included the bullet point "I'm a snuggle bug", asked for a kiss from Jake three times, after receiving said kiss cried, admitted that she thought it was moving too fast








*STILL IN IT*

 
  • Channy or perhaps it's Tranny: immediately broke into native tongue, translated what she'd said, which was this... "You can land your plane on my landing strip anyday"... enough said





*ELIMINATED*
 

  • Jessie = pure bred pug... spot on...






*STILL IN IT*

  • Vienna:  without that hair, a fella she would be...












*STILL IN IT*








  • Valishia: homemaker, single, childless, so really just a lazy ass gold diggin' whore bag...










*STILL IN IT*









  • Michelle: oh so crazy, bowl a' crazy for breakfast, bowl a' crazy for lunch, cried entire first episode, said "I want to be your co-pilot" to Jake no fewer than 15 times, boiled bunny off-camera, head spins 360 degrees, has "Jake 4-EVA" tattooed on chest (some statements unconfirmed) 











*STILL IN IT*







  • Christina: received mandatory "how not to be a dumb bitch" training from friends prior to show, arrived with jelly beans as parting gifts for other women, learned absolutely NOTHING about not being a dumb bitch from friends...











*STILL IN IT*




  • Rozlyn: "model", fake boobs, nose job, "doesn't really need to be there", gets PLENTY of attention from men (translation: "I have a shit bag agent that told me to sign up for this asinine reality show because I've never booked a modeling job and his ass wants to get paid, plus I'm not above soliciting sex for fame, and my name is really Angela")













*STILL IN IT*






 It's. Just. SO. Trashy. In. The. Best. Way. Possible.

Stay tuned...

7 comments:

  1. I'm so glad you're doing these. Your description of Michelle was spot on. And brough tears to my eyes. The happy kind. Cause she's around for one more week o'crazy!

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  2. I get so excited I see you have a new blog post sista! You're hilarious!

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  3. I had felt guilty for already DVRing this season, but after seeing this little gem of a synopsis in print... the flame's been rekindled.

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  4. I do not watch the Bachelor, but I just had to say--holy freak!!! WTF is up with the GINORMOUS chins on Rozlyn, Valishia and Michelle??? You could crack coconuts with those things!!

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  5. i refuse to watch this series. i watched a few episodes when it was Trista as the bachelorette and the one bachelor with that hot choad-spank, Andy. tom cruise did use to make me quiver, but now he just creeps me out. i just don't think he is hot anymore. he's just too old, like brad pitt. i prefer to remember them as the hotties from MI and Legends of the Fall-i avoid their flick Interview with the Vampire. i can get behind george clooney. he is sooooooo zexy, even for an old man! i hope the bachelor picks your fav. take care.

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  6. I just want Michelle to win the whole thing...they'd be perfect for each other.

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  7. I don't watch the Bachelor but I love your description for this season. Yep, once upon a time, Tommy was a hottie. Risky Business. Gotta love that dance. Haha.

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