Thursday, January 7, 2010

Oh ye, fair weathered fanatics... I salute you...

It has recently come to my somewhat oblivious attention that Brad Pitt is no longer the most desired man on the planet... This is baffling to me on several levels. My initial response to this news went a little something like this, "UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM............. (pregnant pause)............... UMMMMMMMMMMMM, wait. Seriously?!?!?! (prolonged head shake) Wait! What?!?! People are OVER Brad Pitt?!?!?!" This was immediately followed by a series of baffled chuckles, crazed eye squints, and a face that rivals Jessica Simpson attempting to tie her shoes... which is to say utter bewilderment.

Then, once the perplexing reality sunk in, and I managed to somehow pick my jaw up off the floor, I came to this calming and tranquil awakening: the odds of ravishing Brad Pitt before I die just increased by a factor of 10... And to that I say, hate on, ladies! Judge his choices! Curse his name! Say he hasn't aged well! I'll happily be there to sweep up the pieces of his shattered self-worth and make all his anguish disappear... And because I can't stomach the thought of My Destined in pain, I have composed a letter. As a preemptive strike, if you will...


My dearest William Bradley Pitt,

In the last few days I have been informed by three separate women, on three separate occasions, that you are not the glistening, pulsating, hurt-me-now-sex-god that you once were to them. Three. Separate. Women. I for one, am appalled on your behalf... and mine. So to you I write this letter, so that you know my heart.

I will NEVER stop loving you, William Bradley Pitt.

From the moment I saw you take Carol Seaver to the movies on Growing Pains (season 3 episode 9) because you thought she was the most popular girl in school, I knew we were written in the stars. Remember how you wanted to be James Dean? Oh, you silly boy!

And then when you kicked it with super lame animation and an even super lamer hairdo in Cool World, I was there, cheering you on. Through all the abominable scripts, and poor acting. Through the films with monkeys in the title. There I was, my love. Undying, unshakable, indestructible was my affection.

And yes, I cried a little bit on the day you announced your engagement to Gwyneth. And sure, I rejoiced a little on the day you broke it off because she is a lying, cheating whore who obviously has no concept of perfection.

And perhaps there were tears, whilst I flipped through the People magazine with you and Jen in wedded bliss gracing the cover. And I may or may not have screamed "Suck it, Bitch" at Miss Aniston and laughed in evil and  malicious vindication upon learning of your marriage's untimely demise. But all this, every shred, was sprung from a pure and majestic place. A place perpetually reserved for you.

And now, in the winter of your fame, as nay-sayers and ignoramuses cash out and move on. One by one turning their backs on the impeccable, exquisite, perfection that is you, the envy of Adonis himself. I once again stand beside you, proudly bellowing from the rooftops that I WILL NEVER STOP LOVING YOU, WILLIAM BRADLEY PITT!


I will require a full STD screen and blood panel post-Angelina, prior to consummating our commitment
Angelina will retain full custody of all six crumb snatchers
Wrinkle cream will be applied to your face nightly
Epic films are from hence forth forbidden, you are not good in them

Ever thine, ever mine, ever ours, Immortal Beloved,



  1. You are totally crazy - love it! I still think he's cute too, what are those women talking about.

  2. Wow, your love knows no bounds. Like the bounds of social acceptability. I may have to get you to help me write something to Leo. Love it! :)

  3. I love Brad(hence my firstborn being named Tristan after his character in Legends of the Fall), don't get me wrong. But his nasty facial hair that he's been sporting lately would have to disappear and never return. It's gnarly (and not in a good surfer-boy kind of way).

  4. Oh, this is too funny! Hmm...I too was unaware that Brad was no longer the preferred eye candy. That being said, I am kind of glad that the whole Brad/Angie drama isn't nightly news any more.

  5. are you referring to women who wrote on your blog about brad, or women you know outside of bloggy world? i know i wrote the other day on your bachelor post that, like tom cruise, brad is getting older and doesn't make me quiver like he used to. i really don't like the stringy, dirty, black and gray mess on his chin either. he seems to be taking less interest in himself as far as maintaining his "sex god status." i still love brad. i love him and angie. i rejoiced when he dumped Maniston. i even cut my hair short and blond like him and gwynnie back in the day. it's true! i want to be friends with brangelina and have playdates, or go out on double dates. i have written on my blog that if we had royal families, they are to be USA's royal family, and Oprah is prime minister/stress. i loved your letter and the last photo. i remember the Brad episode on GP, and when he was mean to Ben. so sad, but he was sexy mean. what movies do you like of his, if you don't like his epics? i even like Meet Joe Black, one of the critics' worst picks. take care and have a great weekend.

  6. Oh, Kiki, bless your heart... no I wasn't referring to people in my bloggy world. It was most certainly a direct rebuttal to some women I work with.

    Maybe you could double date with ME and Brad... I'm pretty sure Angie is just a phase. (though I always have worshiped her, long before she fell for my boy toy)

    And I L.O.V.E. the nickname Maniston... HI-Lar-IOUS... never heard it, well played.

  7. I love how you're requesting a post-Angelina STD and blood screening. Props on giving her the kids, too. She's ruining him with her ugly tattoos and all the birthin's.

  8. i always forget him and jen aniston were once married. she seems like such a distant memory now. its all about angelina now and their 10 or so brood of children.