Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Next stop... straight jacket...





I feel as though it would have benefited Bachelor fans universally if ABC would have maybe mentioned the blatant and grossly exploited absence of sanity amongst this season's bachelorettes... Just a head's up, you know... So we knew what we were getting into ahead of time...

A press release, perhaps... or a brief Public Service Announcement from our host Chris Harrison prior to each episode... I'm just sayin'... may have been helpful...


 
But alas, not even a well thought out and disturbingly accurate spoiler alert could have prepared me for the complete lunacy that was on display this week...

This should really come as no surprise. This is the 14th attempt at this ever-failing experiment... We have Trista and Ryan as our only example of it actually working... And really? Are there two MORE INSUFFERABLE people a couple could aspire to become? The answer is a resounding NO... in case you weren't sure...


And furthermore, these women are here for Jake Pavelka... and ANYONE who watched The Bachelorette last season knows the caliber of woman that would travel the country to duke it out with 24 other calamitous rejects for the love of Jake Pavelka... So, like I said, this should really come as no surprise...



Bitches LOST THEIR DAMN MINDS this week...!!!

Vienna lost it first... Went on the oh so coveted one-on-one date... pretended she was born female... bungee jumped with the douchiest excuse for a Bachelor since "Prince" Borghese...
 
Went home and gushed, like you do when trying to convince a room full of estrogen that you, too, naturally produce the hormone... The pack of jealous whore-wolves mashed their teeth and hissed and told that Vienna fella they weren't feelin' shim...And then slowly, steadily, she let the crazy ooze from her man-pores...



Tears... fake apologies... "I don't need you bitches"es... Standard bachelorette nut-job behavior adequately disguised as desperation...


Michelle was the next to fall victim to the voices in her head...


I have a book called "How To Lose A Guy in 10 Days"... it's a joke... they based a movie off of it...
Michelle evidently practices the principles outlined in this book as a religion...


Day 1~ Meet him at a party. Ditch your friends and convince him to go home with you. Ask him if you look fat...

Day 2~ Break all plans. Kidnap him. Don't take him home no matter how many times he asks. Refer to him as your boyfriend. Constantly do the splits in front of him to show him how limber you are...

Day 3~ Buy him a plant.Take your perfume out and spray his pillow. If his phone rings, answer it. Show up where he is supposed to be. Introduce yourself to his friends. Cry.

Day 4~ Surprise him at his house early in the morning. Leave copies of Bride magazine around. Tell him you love him. Cry.



Sadly, she only made it to Day 4... Jake asked her to leave mere moments after she said this, "I really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really want a husband. I think I should leave if you don't feel what I feel. But I'll stay if you want me to. I can't believe you're doing this to me." Then her head spun around and she started projectile vomiting and laughing uncontrollably...



And finally Elizabeth...

It all started with the note she passed him before homeroom. The note that said she didn't want him to kiss her until he knew she was "the one"... Then Tenley rushed on the scene and told that skank to stop plagiarizing her chastity schtick... no, wait, that last part only happened in my head...



Then came the tweeter danglin'. The sociopath's holy grail... A whore bag with an agenda...

You want this... you can't have this... you love it... you can't touch it... you need it... not so fast...




To say her diabolical cock-teasing scheme backfired, would be a gross understatement... And to the curb she was sent.




 If 13 seasons have taught us anything, it is this: The lunatics are typically singled out and promptly eliminated before the credits roll on the first episode. But season 14 gifted us Jake, oblivious to social norms and strangely loyal to his imbecilic roots... So, thank you Jake, for letting us spend some time with the certifiable few that you so negligently invited into our living rooms...




Bachelorettes, will you accept these straight jackets?



5 comments:

  1. Couldn't have said it better myself. This batch of ladies is particularly crazy! Love the PSA!

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  2. Hahahaha. This recap was better than actually watching it. Props! :)

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  3. ROFL That is funny!! Hahaha. I would love to sit and watch this with you. HAHAHHA

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  4. I am SO glad I'm not watching this season...between you and Kathy, I have my fill!

    Hilarious woman!

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