Sunday, January 31, 2010

I complain on Sundays...

A gaggle of gripes to satiate your craving for the bitter within me... Don't act like you're not excited...


Listen, I know that the English language is a paradox... I get it... It's a tricky business, this jargon of ours...

William Shakespeare, the greatest wordsmith in history, made up words to suit his needs. If the expressions available to him did not convey what he desired, he just invented ones that did. I, personally, am a slave to the online dictionary. I have to manipulate the logic of my own thoughts so as to NOT sound like a halfwit. So who am I to call people out on improper speech, right?

But taking all that into consideration, I have to say, there is a level of idiocy that I can not tolerate. And 100% of the people I've heard speak are not William Shakespeare... and they certainly haven't earned the right to make shit up as they go...

So today's topic?

Think before you speak...

or

That doesn't even make sense, moron...

I think the most obvious offender would have to be our fair Former President of the United States of America... George W... whether you support or oppose his politics, there is no denying the humor...

Some of my favorites?


  • Adding unnecessary syllables: Ex. misunderestimate, subliminable
  • Removing necessary syllables: Ex. unceptable
  • Nonsensical phrases: Ex. "...during when I arrived in President...", "Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream.", "I understand how tough it is, sir. I talk to families who die", "Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?", "I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family", "I have opinions of my own --strong opinions-- but I don't always agree with them."

And I know, I know, he had a team of speech writers that most certainly should have been killed, but it's hard to trust the leader of the free world when he can't put actual words together intelligibly...

Reality TV has also provided us with some *doozies... *(Not a word... yes, I see the irony)

Bitches as smart as a box of crayons flaunting their brilliance for all of America... and interviews chock full of ineptitude...
  • Snooki, Jersey Shore: "That's why I don't eat lobster or anything like that cause they're alive when you kill it."

  •  Vienna, The Bachelor, On The Wings of Love: "He's jumping up the wrong tree..."

  • Anna Nicole Smith: "Vickie Lynn Hogan is my birth certificate's name."

  •  Jessica Simpson: "Is this chicken, what I have, or is this fish? I know it's tuna, but it says Chicken of the Sea."  


  • Lauren Caitlin Upton, Miss Teen USA contestant: (when asked why 1/5 of Americans can't locate the U.S. on a map) "I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some people out there in our nation don't have maps and, uh, I believe that our, uh, education like such as, uh, South Africa and, uh, the Iraq everywhere like such as, and, I believe that they should, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, or, uh, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future, for our children".

And then there are the successions of incongruous or ludicrous comparisons ... I would rather listen to monkey screams than misused expressions... okay, that's not entirely true... but they do drive me bonkers! If you don't know the correct figure of speech, please to refrain from using it, in the botched attempt at sounding enlightened...

  • "A leopard can't change his stripes."
  • "A rolling stone is worth two in the bush."
  • "Don't bite the hand that rocks the cradle."
  • "Loose lips sink like a rock."
  • "No use beating him over the head with a dead horse."
  • "That fish don't hunt."
I admit to my own ignorance. I have said some stupid shit. But I am not a public figure (yet), my follies are private and isolated. I am not quoted. I am not loved by millions. I am not looked upon as a role model. And when I am, please feel free to mock and ridicule my dumb ass... Until then, I shall judge yours...

4 comments:

  1. Being an English major, this totally annoys me (and don't go to my blog and proofread, dang it). How about people who say "warsh" instead of "wash" or "oinge" rather than "orange?" Or "I seen them" instead of "I've seen them" or "I saw them." Yuck. My MIL does the "warsh" thing - hello? No "r" in the word, lady!

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  2. It is no wonder that Americans look dumb! Look at those who "represent" us! And I am with S Club Mama...say it right please! My mom is a grammar Nazi and she passed it on to me.

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  3. S Club Mama- being from "Warshington State" I hear that one a lot... totally irritaing...

    Lourie- thank your mother for me...

    To the 3 followers I lost due to this post... um... sorry...

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  4. Hey funny lady...here in UT they say "freshly squozen" or "Squoze" for the past tense of Squeeze. What's past tense for dumb?

    Check out my blog on Thursday...there might be a little somethin' somethin' there for ya!

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