Sunday, January 24, 2010

I complain on Sundays...

A gaggle of gripes to satiate your craving for the bitter within me... Don't act like you're not excited...

This week?

Top 15 Reasons Why Getting Older Can Kiss The Fattest Part Of My Ass:

15) Because the best part of going out on the town with my girlfriends is at about 11pm when I start to fantasize about how in a wee few hours I will be able to snuggle up in bed and watch reruns of CSI...




14) Because of cellulite... advertising to the masses every accidental midnight fast food run and superfluous brownie I've shoved down my hole in the past thirty years...



13) Because people born in the 90's are now legally allowed to buy tobacco products... and I was legally allowed to buy tobacco products in the 90's...





12) Because if I skip a meal, I do NOT automatically and inadvertently lose 5 pounds, but rather become violently nauseated, shake uncontrollably, and increase the potential of driving my sweet, little sports car into a nearby ravine after losing consciousness as a result of my bottomed out blood sugar level...






11) Because I'm no longer eligible to become a member of "20-Something Bloggers"... and all the cool kids are doing it...

10) Because waking up sore after climbing an extra flight of stairs or lifting a box the day before is no longer puzzling... It's actually expected...


9) Because of dark circles... every morning... as if perhaps I was of raccoon decent... or a monumentally inadequate kick boxer... and hey, Garnier, your "magic under eye serum" isn't worth one-eighth of the energy I put in to unscrewing the cap every day... 



8) Because Centrum Silver sits right next to Centrum Complete on the grocery store shelf... and I can hear it taunting me...

7) Because I'm starting to appreciate the supreme genius behind things like Spanx and Control Top and Girdles...



6) Because two cocktails in, I know I'm signing up for a throbbing headache and 48 hours of idle incompetence...

5) Because when I sit down... or stand up... I habitually omit an audible and telling groan, as if to boast about the rate of my rapidly deteriorating skeletal system...

4) Because if a TV show I want to watch starts at 10pm, I know I'm gonna have to set my Tivo and watch it the next day at a reasonable hour...



3) Because things that were once "high" and "tight" are still moving long after the rest of me has stopped...

2) Because sitting cross-legged for any length of time beyond thirty seconds takes an act of God and six Aleve..


1) Because the answer "Never. I'm going to die old and alone, leaving all my worldly possessions and insurmountable debt to my friends' children." is no longer a cute and/or acceptable answer to the question "So when are you going to get married and start a family?"

2 comments:

  1. I think your next post needs to be 15 best possible answers to the question posed in your number 1.

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  2. I am laughing, but only because I can relate. And that is scary. Haha. Well except for the #1...I need an escape clause. ;) heh.

    ReplyDelete