Sunday, January 17, 2010

I complain on Sundays...

A gaggle of gripes to satiate your craving for the bitter within me... Don't act like you're not excited...


I would like to start by saying that the pain and suffering that the Haitian community is currently experiencing breaks my heart. I, in no way, feel that my trivial little life is more important or significant than the tragedy and pain that they have faced and are facing. I pray for each and every man, woman, and child involved in this disaster and extend my utmost and deepest sympathies for those who have suffered such tremendous loss. But as the Chinese prophecy goes... "the living must keep on living"...


And so I complain...

Today...

What the hell happened to your hair?

or

Hey, male talk show hosts... someone lied to you...

I freely admit that I haven't the first clue about what it takes to style a man's hair... I've also never been the proud owner of a short 'do, further distancing me from the process. I have, however, been in close proximity to several men that do NOT look ri-COCK-ulous; old men, young men, middle-aged men. The ability to AVOID looking like an ass hat is non-discriminatory.

And then we have the male talk show hosts of the world. Men who employ trained professionals for the sole purpose of styling and manipulating the mangy mops atop their curiously-shaped skulls. Men whose goal, it seems, is to appear as disheveled and discreditable as possible.

I offer the top seven offenders...in reverse order... from bad to worse to don't look now but a pile of shit and Aqua Net has landed atop your head...

7) Jimmy Fallon-

Adorable? Yes. I'll be the first to admit that Jimmy Fallon rocks my world on humor alone. But the emo/hipster "I would like to appear that I'm far too tortured and introspective to focus on trivial things like appearance, but really it takes me an hour and a vat of animal lard to shape my coif" look is SO Art School... and by that I mean OVER.


6) David Letterman-

 Hey Dave, that soul patch in the middle of your six-head called... it would like to be sent back to the 70's porn flick it came from...


5) Arsenio Hall-


 I took geometry in high school. This is called an equilateral triangle. And it is not meant to sit atop one's neck and pose as a noggin'...


4) Larry King-


 I love the movie Grease. I love the songs, I love the cheese. A classic, indeed. But most of all I loved that black plastic comb in the back pocket of every T-bird. You know, the one that was used to get that endearing ducktail style? The one that left track marks in it's path? Apparently, I am not alone in my fondness. Except Grease was set in 1959, around the time Larry King turned 50... and Larry King Live is set in, well, today...


3) Jerry Springer-



Just can't get enough of the feathered butt cut... part it down the middle, feather it back, and don't forget the party bangs...


2) Jay Leno-



This hot mess is deserving of a double view... Is he serious? There is not enough product in the world to tame this beast. There is, however, a SuperCuts on every corner. And a hedge trimmer in nearly every neighbor's shed. Thankfully, stylists don't get paid by the Bank of Dignity, an account Jay has clearly depleted...


1) Conan O'Brien-


 There is product in that hair! There is product in that hair! This was not an accident! This was intentional! 

I say, I say, I say, Lookit here son, I'm a rooster, not a chicken...


And finally, The One That Got It Right



Sans the creepy Vegas magician pencil goatee... we all have our cross to bear.






5 comments:

  1. Oh man...my Dad still uses Brylcreem. hahaha. Him Larry King probably keep the company afloat.

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  2. Yup, Montel is definitely the winner in that group!

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  3. The Butt Cut!! lololol I'd never heard it called that, but I'm so glad to finally know its name!

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  4. I don't have words but thanks for the laugh. I honestly really needed it tonight.

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  5. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Loves it. Poor guys... of only they KNEW.

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