Today's topic: Vanity Plates (and what an appropriate name indeed)
Let me start by saying that I understand the desire to be clever... I have this blog as a blaring representation of my own vanity. Everyone, somewhere, deep down in places they'd rather not admit existed, has an undeniable longing to be viewed by others as witty. This is why jokes exist. This is why people make fun of each other. This is the sole reason "great sense of humor" is included on every personal ad and dating website out there. I get it.
What I can't wrap my brain around is the materialization of this hunger through one's license plate.Vanity plates are the opposite of clever. They are COMPLETELY unoriginal. They are EVERYWHERE. And not funny. Furthermore, people are paying extra, on top of the astronomical licensing fees and registrations and taxes, to obtain this hogwash. And for who? For me? Why do you care to share your inside joke with me? I'm just that girl in the Audi behind you straining my eyes and exuding far too much brain power in the futile attempt of somehow figuring out what your awkward, vowel-less, abbreviated pun means... and if I do end up cracking the code, I never laugh, I just keep driving... because really, who are you? Are we now bonded? Are we "in on it" together? Frankly, I don't know you from Adam. I couldn't pick you out of a line-up. It is unnecessary for you to entertain me.
My disdain for the vanity plate was provoked courtesy of Steve Sanders from the original Beverly Hills 90210 fame. I knew he was an ass munch episode 1. This theory was, of course, further supported by his 1991 Corvette flaunting a license plate that read:
Que eye roll...
I started noticing them, really noticing them, after that. And out from the wood works they came... Everything from...
TOPLESS (found exclusively on convertibles or stripper rides, BTW)
Like I said... NOT CLEVER. And then people started getting more "creative".
And some, I will freely admit, on very rare occasions, have caused me to exhale in a sort of jaunty way that means "oh, I get it"... but is that worth the extra cheddar? Does an expulsion of air go for $75 these days?
Then there are those who can't wait to share their own brand of humor with their fellow drivers.
My own family is not immune to this ballyhoo... my father, an ER doctor, has a license plate that reads:
IRERDR (I are ER doctor)
Super clever, Pops...
Or there are some that are destined to a life of pyramid schemes and con jobs. Those who pay for things they don't actually need to pay for. Those who advertise the make of their vehicle on their license plate as if there are no metal decals anywhere on said vehicle whose soul purpose of existence is to do just that...
Perhaps it should say IMATOOL or ASSHAT instead...
But the pinacle of plate irritation, the bane of my vanity-filled existence, are the ones that don't even pretend to make sense. The "guess you had to be there" plates... or the "if you knew me you would get it" plates... or the "I'll explain later" plates... If it won't register to a stranger, why must your dumb ass plaster it on your vehicle? There is no logic at play here! A sane individual does not approach a passerby and casually say "Yellow mustard... THAT was HILARIOUS... remember that?" Because the answer back would inevitably be a stun gun or a trip to the local psychiatric ward. So why, then, the inside joke vanity plate?
I, for one, am perfectly thrilled with the randomly selected number and letter combination embossed on my plates. I cherish the anonymity. And I certainly do not need to solicit laughs like a comedic hooker. There will be no license plate tricks turned on my watch. If I want someone to know the splendor of my sly wit, I will imprison them within the bars of my eternal friendship and force my humor on them, like any normal person would. And that's just,