Sunday, January 31, 2010

I complain on Sundays...

A gaggle of gripes to satiate your craving for the bitter within me... Don't act like you're not excited...


Listen, I know that the English language is a paradox... I get it... It's a tricky business, this jargon of ours...

William Shakespeare, the greatest wordsmith in history, made up words to suit his needs. If the expressions available to him did not convey what he desired, he just invented ones that did. I, personally, am a slave to the online dictionary. I have to manipulate the logic of my own thoughts so as to NOT sound like a halfwit. So who am I to call people out on improper speech, right?

But taking all that into consideration, I have to say, there is a level of idiocy that I can not tolerate. And 100% of the people I've heard speak are not William Shakespeare... and they certainly haven't earned the right to make shit up as they go...

So today's topic?

Think before you speak...

or

That doesn't even make sense, moron...

I think the most obvious offender would have to be our fair Former President of the United States of America... George W... whether you support or oppose his politics, there is no denying the humor...

Some of my favorites?


  • Adding unnecessary syllables: Ex. misunderestimate, subliminable
  • Removing necessary syllables: Ex. unceptable
  • Nonsensical phrases: Ex. "...during when I arrived in President...", "Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream.", "I understand how tough it is, sir. I talk to families who die", "Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?", "I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family", "I have opinions of my own --strong opinions-- but I don't always agree with them."

And I know, I know, he had a team of speech writers that most certainly should have been killed, but it's hard to trust the leader of the free world when he can't put actual words together intelligibly...

Reality TV has also provided us with some *doozies... *(Not a word... yes, I see the irony)

Bitches as smart as a box of crayons flaunting their brilliance for all of America... and interviews chock full of ineptitude...
  • Snooki, Jersey Shore: "That's why I don't eat lobster or anything like that cause they're alive when you kill it."

  •  Vienna, The Bachelor, On The Wings of Love: "He's jumping up the wrong tree..."

  • Anna Nicole Smith: "Vickie Lynn Hogan is my birth certificate's name."

  •  Jessica Simpson: "Is this chicken, what I have, or is this fish? I know it's tuna, but it says Chicken of the Sea."  


  • Lauren Caitlin Upton, Miss Teen USA contestant: (when asked why 1/5 of Americans can't locate the U.S. on a map) "I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some people out there in our nation don't have maps and, uh, I believe that our, uh, education like such as, uh, South Africa and, uh, the Iraq everywhere like such as, and, I believe that they should, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, or, uh, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future, for our children".

And then there are the successions of incongruous or ludicrous comparisons ... I would rather listen to monkey screams than misused expressions... okay, that's not entirely true... but they do drive me bonkers! If you don't know the correct figure of speech, please to refrain from using it, in the botched attempt at sounding enlightened...

  • "A leopard can't change his stripes."
  • "A rolling stone is worth two in the bush."
  • "Don't bite the hand that rocks the cradle."
  • "Loose lips sink like a rock."
  • "No use beating him over the head with a dead horse."
  • "That fish don't hunt."
I admit to my own ignorance. I have said some stupid shit. But I am not a public figure (yet), my follies are private and isolated. I am not quoted. I am not loved by millions. I am not looked upon as a role model. And when I am, please feel free to mock and ridicule my dumb ass... Until then, I shall judge yours...

Friday, January 29, 2010

I know... I suck... now quit your bitching...

I have 64 followers... 64 followers that rely on me... 64 followers that take time out of their hectic day-to-day to stop for a moment and read my thoughts... (or that started following me in the hopes of winning a Target gift card, but that's neither here nor there...)

So to you, my 64 followers, I apologize... from the bottom of my shitty attitude...

See, I've spent the better part of the week with a serious attitude problem... and it's just hard to come up with clever quips and pun-ny stories to shock and dazzle when I forget to check my 'tude at the door. And to coax myself out of this party o' pity, I filled my nights with friends and family... to the brim... allowing me no time to pout... and as a result, no time to blog.

But I'm back, baby! Don't you quit me... I'll work harder... I'll do better... I believe in us... we can turn this thing we have into forever...

(and thank the heavens above that it's 5 Question Friday... cuz I got nothin') Please to enjoy.

1. Would you ever vacation alone?

Hell yes! Give me a can of mace and a pineapple full of vodka and you can drop me off anywhere... I hear Yemen is nice this time of year...

 

2. Do you go the speed limit? 

It's the speed LIMIT... that doesn't mean you HAVE to go that fast... I like to keep it at an even 9mph at all times... I don't know why everyone went and got themselves in such a damn hurry...

Web of lies... I speed.

3. Why did you start blogging/following blogs?

Everyone I know was getting sick of hearing my voice. And I longed for a captive audience. I'm a narcissist. And I spend a lot of time thinking I'm funny so I thought I'd test my theory out on the unsuspecting masses to see if I was right... turns out I was not.


4. Where do you shop for yourself?

EVERYWHERE! I L.O.V.E. to shop. But I'm b-r-o-k-e... ALL. THE. TIME. And I don't have credit cards for those very reasons... So I tend to browse and covet and try-on... and on the rare occassion that I do purchase... I typically return... within the week...

Buyer's remorse and that pesky desire to nourish myself...


5. What was the song that you danced your first dance with your spouse to at your wedding... or... what song would you like your first dance to be to?

I've never been that girl. I'm not married. I may never want to be. And I never, ever once, ever once, have dreamt of a wedding. Or how it would look, or what I would do, or what songs I would dance to. Okay, maybe once... but not seriously... usually the fantasy ends after Brad Pitt says "Hell yeah, I do!"

But if I had to guess... John Tesh: Sax on the Beach... the entire album... 


(vomiting in the corner due to her own sarcasm getting the best of her)



Now go check out Mama M's Little Life to join in on the fun...

xoxo

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Wouldn't be a Monday without an asshat in plaid...

In the endless effort to provide you with the most accurate and unbiased reporting, I had a homeless friend of mine do some "Investigative Research" in the dumpster behind abc Studios this week. What he found may shed some light on the bally-hoo that was last night's episode of The Bachelor...
 


Production Meeting Minutes:

The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love

Episode 1404- Planning & Execution

11:02am- Call to order

11:03-11:07am- Roll Call-

In Attendance

  • Kevin Finn- Director
  • Ken Fuchs- Director
  • Chris Harrison- Host
  • Steven Matty- Story Producer
  • Jenny Siff- Script Supervisor
  • Jake Pavelka- Douche Monger
Business:
  • Ratings are down since Jake Pavelka was cast. No one can bear to watch this monstrosity. Can no longer afford rent on Bachelor/Bachelorette mansions. 
    • Suggestions: 
      • Cancel show
      • Swap out Jake for attractive, successful, desirable Bachelor substitute. Hope remaining sluts are too dim to notice.
      • Move the show into two RVs. Pretend it's a spin. Film spontaneous "road trip". Force bitches to camp.


    • Costuming- Jake- more flannel, more leather elbow patches, more Eddie Bauer, more vests, more Wranglers
    • Script- interviews are too seamless, need more fragmented sentences, mixed metaphors, misused words, mispronunciations- please integrate
    • Cast- 
      • Jessie- looked borderline human last episode, need to up the pug factor, more "buggy eye" footage, perhaps add green eye shadow in whorish amounts to accentuate and, if possible, a Staten Island hooker dress


      • Ashleigh- too classy, try to get shot of her flashing cooter and throwing herself unsuccessfully at Bachelor


      • Gia- too "modely", more uncomfortable laughter, try to get her to wear grossly inappropriate camping outfits- include stilettos and kimonos, orchestrate bonding over high school outcast syndrome, stage"off the cuff" spin-the-bottle play
      • Vienna- good on shit talk, good on flagrance, audience still not fully convinced of XY chromosomal make-up, picture of Vince (Vienna pre-op) has been located, try to avoid leaking to press prior to final rose ceremony. 


      • Climax: Must find the "X" factor
        • Suggestions:
          • More Jake tears
          • Eliminate more women than required
          • Capture Vince/Vienna face plant down sand dune
          • Throw unused roses in fire


      11:49am- Meeting Adjourned

      Sunday, January 24, 2010

      I complain on Sundays...

      A gaggle of gripes to satiate your craving for the bitter within me... Don't act like you're not excited...

      This week?

      Top 15 Reasons Why Getting Older Can Kiss The Fattest Part Of My Ass:

      15) Because the best part of going out on the town with my girlfriends is at about 11pm when I start to fantasize about how in a wee few hours I will be able to snuggle up in bed and watch reruns of CSI...




      14) Because of cellulite... advertising to the masses every accidental midnight fast food run and superfluous brownie I've shoved down my hole in the past thirty years...



      13) Because people born in the 90's are now legally allowed to buy tobacco products... and I was legally allowed to buy tobacco products in the 90's...





      12) Because if I skip a meal, I do NOT automatically and inadvertently lose 5 pounds, but rather become violently nauseated, shake uncontrollably, and increase the potential of driving my sweet, little sports car into a nearby ravine after losing consciousness as a result of my bottomed out blood sugar level...






      11) Because I'm no longer eligible to become a member of "20-Something Bloggers"... and all the cool kids are doing it...

      10) Because waking up sore after climbing an extra flight of stairs or lifting a box the day before is no longer puzzling... It's actually expected...


      9) Because of dark circles... every morning... as if perhaps I was of raccoon decent... or a monumentally inadequate kick boxer... and hey, Garnier, your "magic under eye serum" isn't worth one-eighth of the energy I put in to unscrewing the cap every day... 



      8) Because Centrum Silver sits right next to Centrum Complete on the grocery store shelf... and I can hear it taunting me...

      7) Because I'm starting to appreciate the supreme genius behind things like Spanx and Control Top and Girdles...



      6) Because two cocktails in, I know I'm signing up for a throbbing headache and 48 hours of idle incompetence...

      5) Because when I sit down... or stand up... I habitually omit an audible and telling groan, as if to boast about the rate of my rapidly deteriorating skeletal system...

      4) Because if a TV show I want to watch starts at 10pm, I know I'm gonna have to set my Tivo and watch it the next day at a reasonable hour...



      3) Because things that were once "high" and "tight" are still moving long after the rest of me has stopped...

      2) Because sitting cross-legged for any length of time beyond thirty seconds takes an act of God and six Aleve..


      1) Because the answer "Never. I'm going to die old and alone, leaving all my worldly possessions and insurmountable debt to my friends' children." is no longer a cute and/or acceptable answer to the question "So when are you going to get married and start a family?"

      Friday, January 22, 2010

      This post is worthless... enter at your own risk...



      5QF, yo! I like to pretend I'm on Inside the Actor's Studio being asked these questions... And hundreds of theatre students are hanging on my every word... and laughing at my bad jokes... and constructing shrines to the wonder that is Jill in their untalented, non-famous imaginations... 


      No, that's weird... I don't really do that...


      But I do answer questions when asked, though sometimes just with more questions... So here's me to doing that...


      Happy Friday! 
      (and thanks to Mama M. for inspiring this post...)



      1. What is better, growing old with out money or dying young and wealthy?

      Are there really people out there that answer "young and wealthy"? That seems a smidge like a self-fulfilling prophecy to me... I'm not a fan of dying at all... Can I be immortal? And then charge money for personal appearances? 

      "Another year older? Spice up your party with The Girl Who Never Dies! Book her now at www.wowsheneverdies.net"

      2. Who takes out the garbage at your house?

        


      What do you mean "take out the garbage"? Where would I take it? That ish is GOLD. I'm a hoarder, remember?





       


      3. Have you ever had the same dream many times?


      Yes... and there are monkeys... and my friends are always throwing parties for married mothers so I'm not invited to them... but most of the time I'm famous... so I don't care... except about the monkeys because that shit is terrifying...

      4. Can you play a musical instrument?



      Play? Yes. Play well? No. But I'll beat the hell out of a triangle... And I'm up to level Medium on Guitar Hero, so that counts...

      5. If you owned your own store, what would you sell?

      Offensive screen print t-shirts... The more cringe worthy the better... 



      And trucker hats with pictures of the Jersey Shore cast on them... I feel Snooki would be my biggest seller, since she's not a hippo at all... 




      Wednesday, January 20, 2010

      Next stop... straight jacket...





      I feel as though it would have benefited Bachelor fans universally if ABC would have maybe mentioned the blatant and grossly exploited absence of sanity amongst this season's bachelorettes... Just a head's up, you know... So we knew what we were getting into ahead of time...

      A press release, perhaps... or a brief Public Service Announcement from our host Chris Harrison prior to each episode... I'm just sayin'... may have been helpful...


       
      But alas, not even a well thought out and disturbingly accurate spoiler alert could have prepared me for the complete lunacy that was on display this week...

      This should really come as no surprise. This is the 14th attempt at this ever-failing experiment... We have Trista and Ryan as our only example of it actually working... And really? Are there two MORE INSUFFERABLE people a couple could aspire to become? The answer is a resounding NO... in case you weren't sure...


      And furthermore, these women are here for Jake Pavelka... and ANYONE who watched The Bachelorette last season knows the caliber of woman that would travel the country to duke it out with 24 other calamitous rejects for the love of Jake Pavelka... So, like I said, this should really come as no surprise...



      Bitches LOST THEIR DAMN MINDS this week...!!!

      Vienna lost it first... Went on the oh so coveted one-on-one date... pretended she was born female... bungee jumped with the douchiest excuse for a Bachelor since "Prince" Borghese...
       
      Went home and gushed, like you do when trying to convince a room full of estrogen that you, too, naturally produce the hormone... The pack of jealous whore-wolves mashed their teeth and hissed and told that Vienna fella they weren't feelin' shim...And then slowly, steadily, she let the crazy ooze from her man-pores...



      Tears... fake apologies... "I don't need you bitches"es... Standard bachelorette nut-job behavior adequately disguised as desperation...


      Michelle was the next to fall victim to the voices in her head...


      I have a book called "How To Lose A Guy in 10 Days"... it's a joke... they based a movie off of it...
      Michelle evidently practices the principles outlined in this book as a religion...


      Day 1~ Meet him at a party. Ditch your friends and convince him to go home with you. Ask him if you look fat...

      Day 2~ Break all plans. Kidnap him. Don't take him home no matter how many times he asks. Refer to him as your boyfriend. Constantly do the splits in front of him to show him how limber you are...

      Day 3~ Buy him a plant.Take your perfume out and spray his pillow. If his phone rings, answer it. Show up where he is supposed to be. Introduce yourself to his friends. Cry.

      Day 4~ Surprise him at his house early in the morning. Leave copies of Bride magazine around. Tell him you love him. Cry.



      Sadly, she only made it to Day 4... Jake asked her to leave mere moments after she said this, "I really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really want a husband. I think I should leave if you don't feel what I feel. But I'll stay if you want me to. I can't believe you're doing this to me." Then her head spun around and she started projectile vomiting and laughing uncontrollably...



      And finally Elizabeth...

      It all started with the note she passed him before homeroom. The note that said she didn't want him to kiss her until he knew she was "the one"... Then Tenley rushed on the scene and told that skank to stop plagiarizing her chastity schtick... no, wait, that last part only happened in my head...



      Then came the tweeter danglin'. The sociopath's holy grail... A whore bag with an agenda...

      You want this... you can't have this... you love it... you can't touch it... you need it... not so fast...




      To say her diabolical cock-teasing scheme backfired, would be a gross understatement... And to the curb she was sent.




       If 13 seasons have taught us anything, it is this: The lunatics are typically singled out and promptly eliminated before the credits roll on the first episode. But season 14 gifted us Jake, oblivious to social norms and strangely loyal to his imbecilic roots... So, thank you Jake, for letting us spend some time with the certifiable few that you so negligently invited into our living rooms...




      Bachelorettes, will you accept these straight jackets?



      Sunday, January 17, 2010

      I complain on Sundays...

      A gaggle of gripes to satiate your craving for the bitter within me... Don't act like you're not excited...


      I would like to start by saying that the pain and suffering that the Haitian community is currently experiencing breaks my heart. I, in no way, feel that my trivial little life is more important or significant than the tragedy and pain that they have faced and are facing. I pray for each and every man, woman, and child involved in this disaster and extend my utmost and deepest sympathies for those who have suffered such tremendous loss. But as the Chinese prophecy goes... "the living must keep on living"...


      And so I complain...

      Today...

      What the hell happened to your hair?

      or

      Hey, male talk show hosts... someone lied to you...

      I freely admit that I haven't the first clue about what it takes to style a man's hair... I've also never been the proud owner of a short 'do, further distancing me from the process. I have, however, been in close proximity to several men that do NOT look ri-COCK-ulous; old men, young men, middle-aged men. The ability to AVOID looking like an ass hat is non-discriminatory.

      And then we have the male talk show hosts of the world. Men who employ trained professionals for the sole purpose of styling and manipulating the mangy mops atop their curiously-shaped skulls. Men whose goal, it seems, is to appear as disheveled and discreditable as possible.

      I offer the top seven offenders...in reverse order... from bad to worse to don't look now but a pile of shit and Aqua Net has landed atop your head...

      7) Jimmy Fallon-

      Adorable? Yes. I'll be the first to admit that Jimmy Fallon rocks my world on humor alone. But the emo/hipster "I would like to appear that I'm far too tortured and introspective to focus on trivial things like appearance, but really it takes me an hour and a vat of animal lard to shape my coif" look is SO Art School... and by that I mean OVER.


      6) David Letterman-

       Hey Dave, that soul patch in the middle of your six-head called... it would like to be sent back to the 70's porn flick it came from...


      5) Arsenio Hall-


       I took geometry in high school. This is called an equilateral triangle. And it is not meant to sit atop one's neck and pose as a noggin'...


      4) Larry King-


       I love the movie Grease. I love the songs, I love the cheese. A classic, indeed. But most of all I loved that black plastic comb in the back pocket of every T-bird. You know, the one that was used to get that endearing ducktail style? The one that left track marks in it's path? Apparently, I am not alone in my fondness. Except Grease was set in 1959, around the time Larry King turned 50... and Larry King Live is set in, well, today...


      3) Jerry Springer-



      Just can't get enough of the feathered butt cut... part it down the middle, feather it back, and don't forget the party bangs...


      2) Jay Leno-



      This hot mess is deserving of a double view... Is he serious? There is not enough product in the world to tame this beast. There is, however, a SuperCuts on every corner. And a hedge trimmer in nearly every neighbor's shed. Thankfully, stylists don't get paid by the Bank of Dignity, an account Jay has clearly depleted...


      1) Conan O'Brien-


       There is product in that hair! There is product in that hair! This was not an accident! This was intentional! 

      I say, I say, I say, Lookit here son, I'm a rooster, not a chicken...


      And finally, The One That Got It Right



      Sans the creepy Vegas magician pencil goatee... we all have our cross to bear.