Listen, I know that the English language is a paradox... I get it... It's a tricky business, this jargon of ours...
William Shakespeare, the greatest wordsmith in history, made up words to suit his needs. If the expressions available to him did not convey what he desired, he just invented ones that did. I, personally, am a slave to the online dictionary. I have to manipulate the logic of my own thoughts so as to NOT sound like a halfwit. So who am I to call people out on improper speech, right?
But taking all that into consideration, I have to say, there is a level of idiocy that I can not tolerate. And 100% of the people I've heard speak are not William Shakespeare... and they certainly haven't earned the right to make shit up as they go...
So today's topic?
Think before you speak...
That doesn't even make sense, moron...
Some of my favorites?
- Adding unnecessary syllables: Ex. misunderestimate, subliminable
- Removing necessary syllables: Ex. unceptable
- Nonsensical phrases: Ex. "...during when I arrived in President...", "Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream.", "I understand how tough it is, sir. I talk to families who die", "Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?", "I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family", "I have opinions of my own --strong opinions-- but I don't always agree with them."
Reality TV has also provided us with some *doozies... *(Not a word... yes, I see the irony)
Bitches as smart as a box of crayons flaunting their brilliance for all of America... and interviews chock full of ineptitude...
- Snooki, Jersey Shore: "That's why I don't eat lobster or anything like that cause they're alive when you kill it."
- Vienna, The Bachelor, On The Wings of Love: "He's jumping up the wrong tree..."
- Anna Nicole Smith: "Vickie Lynn Hogan is my birth certificate's name."
- Jessica Simpson: "Is this chicken, what I have, or is this fish? I know it's tuna, but it says Chicken of the Sea."
- Lauren Caitlin Upton, Miss Teen USA contestant: (when asked why 1/5 of Americans can't locate the U.S. on a map) "I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some people out there in our nation don't have maps and, uh, I believe that our, uh, education like such as, uh, South Africa and, uh, the Iraq everywhere like such as, and, I believe that they should, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, or, uh, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future, for our children".
And then there are the successions of incongruous or ludicrous comparisons ... I would rather listen to monkey screams than misused expressions... okay, that's not entirely true... but they do drive me bonkers! If you don't know the correct figure of speech, please to refrain from using it, in the botched attempt at sounding enlightened...
- "A leopard can't change his stripes."
- "A rolling stone is worth two in the bush."
- "Don't bite the hand that rocks the cradle."
- "Loose lips sink like a rock."
- "No use beating him over the head with a dead horse."
- "That fish don't hunt."