Tuesday, December 8, 2009

'Tis the season for road rage...

Dear Seattle Drivers,

I am concerned. I fear you lack the basic fundamentals and elementary social skills required when operating heavy machinery. In light of this fear I have decided to provide you with a glossary of important terms and as an added bonus, a few tips and tricks that may serve as a reference guide to you whilst behind the wheel this holiday season.

  • Please do not read this guide while driving.

  • Green means "GO"
    • Years ago, the wide array of language barriers made ground travel a dangerous business, as the varying grammatical idioms caused worded signs to not be universally understood. A man named J.P. Knight determined it necessary to use colors as an unprejudiced communication to motorists across the globe. Since 1868 the color green has meant "GO". When you see this color illuminated before you it is unneccessary to step on the brake pedal. In addition, upon seeing a light change from red (meaning "STOP") to green, it is time to accelerate.

  • Pedal on the right
    • The pedal on the right hand side of the driver's floor board is used to make your car go. By pressing on this pedal with your right foot, your car will start moving. This is an imperative step when approaching a green light. (please see above for the full explanation of "green light") And in doing so, I will be able to discontinue my frequent use of the phrase, "PEDAL ON THE RIGHT, ASS CLOWN!"

  •  Merging: (v.) to combine, blend, or unite gradually. 
    • Merging is a basic function in the process of commuting. Simply put, it is when your vehicle falls in line between other vehicles. It does not require an invitation of any sort, written, engraved, or otherwise. It does not require a full stop. It certainly does not require 15 minutes... Merging can only occur successfully when another vehicle is not directly beside you. Please to look PRIOR to the merge.
    • If you decide to merge, and happen to fall in line directly in front of me, and you choose not to exercise the intended purpose of the "pedal on the right", I can promise that you will get the finger... the middle...

  • Blinkers are useful
    • Both right and left blinkers come standard in all vehicles. By engaging said blinkers, you are alerting other travelers of your intention to either: (a) merge or (b) turn
    • Blinkers are not necessarily required for those more experienced drivers who act swiftly and confidently behind the wheel. But you are Seattle drivers, and therefore using your blinker is a necessity.
    • Once the act of: (a) merging or (b) turning is complete, please disengage said blinker. There is NO need to alert fellow drivers of a merge or turn that has already been actualized!
    • A blinker is ONLY necessary within the small window prior to the action. You are not required to alert others of a merge/turn you plan to make in 4 miles. No one cares where you are going!

  • When driving on the expressway, the far left lane is for HOVs or High Occupancy Vehicles. The lane to the right of that, directly next to the HOV lane, is considered "The Fast Lane" or "The lane you should NOT be in". Please merge into the far RIGHT lane using the information on merging notated above.

  • It's called rain...
    • Water has been known to fall from the sky in this fair metropolis of ours on a fairly regular basis. This is not a cause for panic. The Emergency Broadcast System will not alert you of impending drizzle. Furthermore, your vehicle was designed specifically to continue to operate in such cases. The gas pedal or "Pedal on the Right" (as outlined above) will still serve it's intended function. Please use this pedal as you would in any other circumstance. 
    • Conversely, when engaged, the brake pedal (which can be located either in "the middle" or on "the left") will not stop this water from falling. Please push through the desire to "ride" it.
  • Keep yo noise to yo'self
    • Most modern forms of transport have been outfitted with a sound device known as a radio. Several also have extras, such as CD players, MP3 players, and satellite capabilities. In order to listen to the music produced by these devices, your vehicle has also been equipped with speakers. This is NOT a license for you to impose your shitty musical compilations into my bubble of sanity. So there's no confusion "I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU'RE LISTENING TO! IT DOES NOT MAKE YOU MORE DESIRABLE OR LESS OF A DOUCHE ROCKET WHEN YOU TURN UP YOUR TUNES... AND IF I WANTED TO LISTEN TO THE SAME THING, I TOO, AM FULLY CAPABLE OF PIRATING MUSIC OFF THE INTERNET!"
In conclusion, upon first glance I may appear a wee, mild mannered gal with a passion for fashion and expensive cars. This assumption is ill conceived. I am, in fact, a machete wielding, sociopath, unafraid of consequences. I require competence from those around me. I am someone who is going places and currently your stupid ass is in my way.



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  1. Love it! I'm normally a nice individual, but driving can bring out the foulest words and most vile of hand gestures.

  2. HAHAHAHAHA! You ought to check my blog. We must have both had bad days on the road! And it was raining here yesterday...a lot. Californian's don't do rain very well. I am fine with it..of course. ;)

  3. love that last statement. i am also going places and everyone is in my way, including my own family. do you mind if i print off this manual for S.C. drivers? they have issues with accelerating at green lights and merging on/off ramps. since we don't get snow here, but rain is super scary to them, they drive like poo in the rain, like 15 miles slower, like it's a typhoon, or a hurricane. it's rain, people. that's it. sorry, this is a hot button subject for me. take care.

  4. It's like you were inside my head when you wrote this. I frequently think of the items on this list on a daily basis and have now adopted "douche rocket" into my driving repertoire. Thanks!

  5. So glad to hear that I'm not the only one fed up with morons on the road...

    Stina, of course you can print it out for SC drivers! I encourage everyone to submit this letter to their local papers so as to combat the incompetence on the streets of this fair country!

  6. That last picture really cracks me up! Where can I find one??