Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Please put your poop away, we're trying to run a civilized society here...

As some of you know, I have chosen a career as a medical receptionist... well not so much "chosen" as "have been shackled, gagged, and bound to for the past 15 years off and on"... And on a scale of one to ten, one being THE WORST CONCEIVABLE JOB FOR ME TO EVER HAVE... EVER, this job gives a rating of "one" the finger, in a three way tie with sewage sorter and monkey humper...

Being a medical receptionist is the worst... THE WORST.
It. Is. The. Worst! And in 15 years (off and on) I have discovered all of the vast and countless ways in which this job is literally trying to suck the life force from my once thriving and now dwindling hopes and dreams. There are the endless, mindless, common senseless ASS HATS that I am forced to deal with on a second by second basis, with their "Ummmm... I don't know what my insurance is called, but can you bill them anyways", and their "Do you have the number to the medical supply company that used to be on 4th Avenue"s.

There are the over-protective mothers and daughters and husbands and nephews. All of which call INCESSANTLY throughout the day to remind you that they've already called several times and still have not received a call back from the doctor, all to get the answer to some worthless question like "My son had a fever 4 days ago, but doesn't have one now, and is feeling fine but should I bring him in anyway?" or "My wife just coughed, do you think she has swine flu?". Of course, it is my job to politely remind them that they do not happen to be the only patient in the clinic... and that other patients actually scheduled a time to come in and speak with the doctor... and that they just have to wait until the doctor has a FREAKIN' MINUTE... and that neither the world nor the world of medicine actually revolves around them... and that waiting less than 24 hours for a call back won't actually kill them...

And lest we forget the drug addicts... of which there are GRILLIONS... and who happen to be the least pleasant of the lot, and by the by, the WORST liars in the history of lying... Example: "My daughter got a hold of my purse and dumped the whole thing into the toilet and somehow my child proof prescription cap came loose and all of my Percocet spilled and then a rabid coyote dove down the sewer after them and I watched him eat every pill and then he hijacked a school bus full of nuns and held them hostage and long story, short... I need a refill"... "I need a refill"... "Can I get something stronger?"... "I NEED A REFILL!!!!!!"... "Listen, BITCH, GIVE ME A REFILL"...

And then there are those who solidify every reason I should NOT be doing this job in fell swoop. Those under the impression that the innocent girl in business-casual dress sitting at the front desk answering the phones, is perhaps as knowledgeable, or at the the very least as interested in their filthy, disgusting, vomit-inducing medical issues, as the doctor. A doctor, mind you, that gets paid A LOT of money to deal with the bevy of cringe-worthy substances that can be excreted from the human body.

I do not get paid enough money to deal with your envelope of bloody phlegm that you collected to show me in the hopes I would know what was wrong. I do not get paid enough money to carry a gallon jug through the clinic filled to the brim with your pee from the past 24 hours. I DO NOT get paid enough money to discuss your erectile dysfunction in crass and lurid detail in front of a waiting room full of the elderly. And finally, I certainly do not get paid enough money to be handed a clear plastic Ziploc containing four vials of your poop (and, I'm assuming, your dignity) just moments after returning from lunch...

I beg of you, please... please... save it for the exam room! I am an actor posing as a receptionist and I do not get paid enough to deal with you...


  1. Hmmmmm. First off, your are hilarious. You don't even have to talk to be funny. I sit next to you and just laugh anyways. You are contagious and should be labeled the giggle disease. Now second, you seriously need to change your daytime job. I'm thinking with your contagious laughter and outgoing personality.......not to mention your stunning beauty you should really consider doing something in marketing/sales/spokemodeling realm. Also in the mean time get your butt down to "Copeland Willimas Talent" in Bellevue I don't have ANY acting skills and I've been going on a ton of auditions which means you would get a lot more!!!!! P.S. I have no spelling or gramtical capabilities, no judging. Where the hell is spell check and why won't this let me copy and paste??!!!!

  2. had me at envelope of phlegm.

    and like any great movie....riveting storytelling!

  3. Um...ew! I can understand more now why the medical receptionists at the clinic I go to are soooo grumpy. It never even occured to me that people are that friggin gross. Cause they are. (Even in Canada where I am).

  4. Ha! Too funny.

    You are the epitome of funny, I'm glad I found your blog to stalk, I mean follow.

  5. How do you get through the day without just kicking people? I'm dying laughing reading this, but if someone handed me a bag of poop, I'd probably dry heave right on the spot.

  6. This was totally hilarious. I wouldn't want your job. Aside from the fact that I am a total germ-a-phobe....I just don't think I could deal with it.

  7. I share your pain! I worked for 5 years as a insurance adjuster for home other words scam artists! and if i was not nice to the scam artist and make them happy then i was in are to funny