Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Merry Christmas... now shut the hell up...

Dear Warm 106.9fm,

Listen, I like Christmas as much as the next guy. The twinkling lights, the smell of pine, the Jack Frost nipping at my nose and all that shit. I consider myself a festive gal. But let's get real here for a second. There are 7, maybe 8, classic Christmas songs in existence. Tack on to that, the 4 or 5 new holiday tunes that have been written by borderline talents like Mariah Carey and The Raveonettes and what you end up with is maybe an hour's worth of music... And this is where you and I run into a problem...

It's bad enough that 10 months out of the year I am forced against everything I stand for on this glorious planet, to listen to "Today's Soft Favorites" 40 hours a week. I can come to some resolve with having to stomach Savage Garden daily. Barry Manilow... I'm kind of a Fan-ilow... There are times I even find myself singing along to the likes of Phil Collins and his tragic solo career. But on November 20th, when the wizards of the Warm 106.9 marketing team got together and dreamed up "35 days of Continuous Christmas Favorites" you failed to consider this simple truth... THERE ARE ONLY FOURTEEN F*%KING CHRISTMAS SONGS!

Now let me clue you in on a few things... Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer is offensive! Those other asshole reindeer wouldn't play with poor Rudolph because he looked different then them? Then when he becomes popular miraculously and coincidentally they all love him?!?! What is this teaching today's youth?

And Little Drummer Boy is a tale of slavery... If the kid doesn't want to Par-rum-pa-pum-pum all over town, you can't force him. There are child labor laws in play here. Frosty the Snowman... about death... is that keeping with the holiday spirit? Really?

And finally, if I have to hear Jingle Bells, as performed by John Tesh and the Kidz Bop crew, one more time, it is very possible that I will fly my ass to the North Pole and cancel Christmas altogether! Is it too much to ask, or rather beg, for a little break? Isn't it possible to mix all your other terrible music in with the 14 Christmas songs on your playlist? Because frankly, you're sucking the life from my holiday spirit!

Oy Humbug,


Dear Employer,

What? This place isn't bad enough? You just HAD set the dial to "35 Days of Continuous Christmas Favorites"? Is there no justice in this world?

I hate you,


Dear Bryan Adams,

You have 5 days to rip out your own larynx and provide me with photographic evidence of the finished deed or I will find you and do it myself... and then I'll wrap it up in a pretty bow and put it under your Christmas tree!



  1. great post. sorry you are tortured at work, not only by annoying, or agitated, people, but by John Tesh and Brenda Lee. we have three major stations here that have played holiday music since thanksgiving. i have been tuning out and tuning back into Jay-Z and Kidz-Bop. have no choice on the Kidz-Bop. my kid loves those dang kids.

  2. Ahahaha! My plan for today's post was to rip apart crappy Christmas songs, and then I saw this in my Google reader. I feel your pain. The Little Drummer Boy is by far the worst. John Tesh...ouch...

  3. Yeah, here it is 98.1 CHFI. If I hear "I want a Hippopotamus for Christmas" one more time, that's going to be what I shove up someone's bum. There, I said it! It started in November as well and has been playing at work too. You know what...I DON'T want a hippopotamus for Christmas. Whaddya think of that CHFI?!

  4. As a parent who has been subjected to Kidz Bop on many an occasion, I would definitely define it as cruel and unusual punishment.
    Thank you, Jill, for always speaking words of truth!

  5. And thanks to all of you for your generous understanding...

    This was a tricky one for me to post. I was pretty sure I'd be set ablaze in the town square whilst carolers spit Christmas songs at my Scroogey corpse...

  6. Fortunately, for me, I can listen to my mp3 player and have my own rotation of Christmas music, which means I get to listen to South Park versions, Barenaked Ladies and Adam Sandler :) Sorry you are stuck