4 weeks ago
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Merry Christmas... now shut the hell up...
Dear Warm 106.9fm,
Listen, I like Christmas as much as the next guy. The twinkling lights, the smell of pine, the Jack Frost nipping at my nose and all that shit. I consider myself a festive gal. But let's get real here for a second. There are 7, maybe 8, classic Christmas songs in existence. Tack on to that, the 4 or 5 new holiday tunes that have been written by borderline talents like Mariah Carey and The Raveonettes and what you end up with is maybe an hour's worth of music... And this is where you and I run into a problem...
It's bad enough that 10 months out of the year I am forced against everything I stand for on this glorious planet, to listen to "Today's Soft Favorites" 40 hours a week. I can come to some resolve with having to stomach Savage Garden daily. Barry Manilow... I'm kind of a Fan-ilow... There are times I even find myself singing along to the likes of Phil Collins and his tragic solo career. But on November 20th, when the wizards of the Warm 106.9 marketing team got together and dreamed up "35 days of Continuous Christmas Favorites" you failed to consider this simple truth... THERE ARE ONLY FOURTEEN F*%KING CHRISTMAS SONGS!
Now let me clue you in on a few things... Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer is offensive! Those other asshole reindeer wouldn't play with poor Rudolph because he looked different then them? Then when he becomes popular miraculously and coincidentally they all love him?!?! What is this teaching today's youth?
And Little Drummer Boy is a tale of slavery... If the kid doesn't want to Par-rum-pa-pum-pum all over town, you can't force him. There are child labor laws in play here. Frosty the Snowman... about death... is that keeping with the holiday spirit? Really?
And finally, if I have to hear Jingle Bells, as performed by John Tesh and the Kidz Bop crew, one more time, it is very possible that I will fly my ass to the North Pole and cancel Christmas altogether! Is it too much to ask, or rather beg, for a little break? Isn't it possible to mix all your other terrible music in with the 14 Christmas songs on your playlist? Because frankly, you're sucking the life from my holiday spirit!
What? This place isn't bad enough? You just HAD set the dial to "35 Days of Continuous Christmas Favorites"? Is there no justice in this world?
I hate you,
Dear Bryan Adams,
You have 5 days to rip out your own larynx and provide me with photographic evidence of the finished deed or I will find you and do it myself... and then I'll wrap it up in a pretty bow and put it under your Christmas tree!