Sunday, December 6, 2009

If being from Jersey is wrong, I don't want to be right...

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On to the next...

I started watching a new reality series on MTV called Jersey Shore. And yes, I'm 30. And yes, I'm an actor and should have higher standards in regards to what I watch on television. And yes, I left my dignity in the shore house with all them skanks...

That said, this rubbish is FAN-hooker-TASTIC. The premise is 8 strangers picked to live in a Jersey summer share, work at a shitty T-shirt shop and have their lives taped to find out what happens when people stop being polite and start getting gonorrhea. Original thought, MTV, I liked it better when it was called The Real World. But this time they've decided to up the ante on douche factor. I lived in New York City for a little over a year right out of high school, and I worked at The Gap (I guess my dignity has been gone longer than I had originally thought). These are the people I worked with... or maybe their illegitimate children. They call themselves "Guidos" and "Guidettes"... seriously.

Here is a list of required criteria needed to join the fraternity of Guido Sigma Toolbox:

(left to right: DJ Pauly D, Mikey "The Situation", Robbie, and Vinnie)
  • You must be a raging douche monger
  • You must have inhumanly tan skin
  • You must be a "juice head" i.e. 'roid rage is a turn on
  • You must use so much LA Looks gel that the factory has trouble producing at your rate of consumption
  • You MUST stop wearing shirts
  • You must give yourself a RIDONKULOUS nickname that makes little to no sense
  • You must have tattoos (Bonus- if the tattoo is Old English and/or the name of a high end vehicle)
  • You must stock pile Drakar Noir or Brut cologne... and bathe in it twice daily
  • Your name must end in a "Y" or an "IE" (Robbie, Pauly, Mikey, Vinnie, etc)

And here is the list of required criteria needed to join the sorority of Guidette Delta Hoochie :

(left to right: J.Woww, Angelina "Jolie", Snooki, and Sammi "Sweetheart")
  • You must be a raging slut
  • You must have inhumanly tan skin
  • You must enjoy being punched by your boyfriend
  • You must have fake parts (implants/hair extensions/colored contacts, whatever you can afford)
  • You must give yourself a RIDONKULOUS nickname that makes little to no sense
  • You MUST find Guido's incredibly sexy and fish exclusively from the Guido pond   

Recipe for genius, no? At this point I've watched the first two episodes. And it's class all the way. We've had a Guido on Guido bar fight, a Guido on Guidette and on to the next Guido tanned-skanky skank triangle, we've had 6, yes 6, naked hoe bags in the jacuzzi, someone who actually said the words "why don't she just wear a thong bikini, that's way classier", and a guy who calls himself "The Situation" because when "broads" see his abs they can't help but say "Yeah, that's The Situation". The show is 10lbs of ass clown in a 5lb bag... and I'm H.O.O.K.E.D.


  1. LOL! I love the number one requirements for each group. They are spot on!

  2. Those photos are awesome, I can't stop laughing.......

  3. Well, damn. I don't meet any of those requirement. The only thing going for me is that I have the same outfit the first girl is wearing. I am going to wear it to my hubby's work Christmas party.

  4. LMAO: "(Bonus- if the tattoo is Old English and/or the name of a high end vehicle)" - in this case - BOTH, and the best self-applied nickname of all time: "The Situation"!!!

    Great stuff, Jill.

  5. i'm working overtime to control my overwhelming need to tune into that show. the remote falls into my hand and it turns on MTV. i quickly change the channel. i know if i watch one second of that show i will be hooked. for me it looks like a cross b/t Growing Up Gotti, the original True Life series about Jersey Shore/ Shore House on Mtv, and Real World. lots of dry humping and bad grammar. oh, it looks so good. take care.

  6. That show does sound hiddeous but also a little addictive, think I'll try to steer clear of it just in case!

  7. I say tune in! It is oh so worth it, even if only to make yourself feel better about your life!

  8. So scandalous it's now being boycotted by advertisers (like that's the way to keep anything on the down-low).

  9. LMAO reading this! I, too, posted something about Jersey Shore. I can NOT help but watch!!!

  10. Must start watching this show...and please, keep up the updates. I pissed myself reading. Good times.