Sunday, December 27, 2009

I complain on Sundays...

A gaggle of gripes to satiate your craving for the bitter within me... Don't act like you're not excited...

After a minor holiday hiatus, you'll be happy to know that I am once again ready to fulfill my blog-ligations...

This week...

The Snuggie... WTF? (spoiler alert: controversial opinions ahead)

The other day, upon noticing a hoard of Snuggie-drunk morons posting pictures of themselves on Facebook draped in yards of fleece, I updated my status with the following:

"Jill thinks the Snuggie is the love child of bad ideas and trashy infomercials, but apparently a blanket with sleeves is the second-coming to some people... who knew?"

To which I received these comments:

  • "You can't "hate it" until you try it...I swear it's great for reading by the fire...when your arms are just a little too cold!"
  •  "Charlie* begged for one for Christmas...and he got it!!!"  
*Charlie is like 6 years old


So I've composed a list of 13 reasons why the Snuggie is possibly the LAMEST gift this side of the Chia Pet. Please to enjoy.

1) When you put it on, you look like this...

    2) It's about as provocative as a flannel nightgown... which is to say, you will NEVER have sex again

    3) The Snuggie is just a robe... but backwards... and less flattering

    4) Answering the phone while covered with a blanket is not a difficult task. Nor is, say, watching television, knitting, cuddling, or reading...If you have trouble doing any of the aforementioned, perhaps your problems are bigger than those solved by adding sleeves to an already functioning object...

    5) Comfort is never a good excuse (see: Crocs)

    6) Long sleeved shirts provide the same solution and won't mortify friends and family members when worn in public

    7) Any garment that has a cult following should be avoided

    8) Wearing, covering with, or generally participating in, anything for the sake of matching your dog should be ruled a crime against humanity

    8.5) Dogs have fur. No Snuggie required.

    9) It's called a "Snuggie"... does anyone else have a problem with this? Is baby talk a widely accepted marketing tool now?

    10) The competition is called "The Slanket"... enough said

    11) If you are able to complete your Christmas shopping at the local drug store, and you do NOT belong to a family of prescription drug abusers, you are a terrible gift giver

    12) There is something fundamentally wrong with anything that claims to be One Size Fits All

    13) It's a "blanket"... "with sleeves"... The Snuggie is the biggest scam pulled on the American public since Dry Cleaning

    To those of you who have decided to drink the kool-aid and are happily reading this wrapped in an As Seen On TV fleece-tastrophe, I ask, why stop there? Perhaps flipping a light switch has become daunting and clapping is the perfect solution. Maybe you're bored with your regular old house plants and you long for shrubbery that resembles an array of zoo animals or cartoon characters. Rest easy knowing that some chode is out there right now counting his millions, as his sinister chuckle echoes throughout the palace you helped pay for. And you, my friend, are at home in the fashion-free zone looking like a gihungus ass-hat for the low low price of just $14.95...


      1. Oh my seriously have me rolling, ha! Finally someone said it! The Snuggie is evil!

      2. too funny. oh, the guy who created the "slanket" claims he had the product first, but didn't have the genius advertising the "snuggie" has, therefore, ruining his chances for fleeced success. i am a bad person, though. i bought a pink one with book light to support breast cancer for my mil. she didn't react when she opened her "snuggie." i gave her the gift receipt. we'll see if she uses it. i gave my sis a "chia pet" back in the early 90s as a joke. she has never let me forget it. take care.

      3. hahhahahahha!

        That's great. I love the "slanket"

        I must admit 3 year old asked for a snuggie for xmas and her grandma got her one. I agree that they're super gay and ugly but at least it wasn't my 14.99.

      4. Ha ha. I never got the whole "snuggie" thing either! I would never ever ever ever ever ever wear one...but it could be just because I'm claustiphobic! :)

        Hope you had a wonderful Christmas!!

      5. My mom hates the snuggie! LOL. She says, "A blanket with sleeves...isn't that....a robe???" Hahaha.

      6. Why do dogs need snuggies? What are they using thier arms for? They don't have thumbs!

        You are right on the money with this gripe!

      7. I appreciate all of the support more than you know.

        My boyfriend works at the Pike Place Fish Market and informed me that a hoard of Snuggie-clad women posed for pictures with the Fish Boys just yesterday...

        This, of course, means a choreographed public Snuggie outing was both planned and attended...

        Say your goodbyes, kiss your babies, the world is ending...

      8. My favorite is the backwards robe thing...why have I never realized this to be the case? It's totally a robe. And now I don't need to go buy a snuggie.

        You know what else would have been a great addition to this? It's if you actually took pictures of yourself completing all of those difficult tasks with an actual blanket. Just to prove it can be done....I'll be texting you one shortly.

      9. I may not have won the $50 bribery contest, but this post, right here, about the atrocious thing I threatened to leave Husfriend over if he even thought taking the joke about gifting a Snuggie for Christmas seriously enough to buy one, even as a gag, has more worth than any monetary contest you could ever solicit yourself for.

        You deserve an Oscar.