After a minor holiday hiatus, you'll be happy to know that I am once again ready to fulfill my blog-ligations...
The Snuggie... WTF? (spoiler alert: controversial opinions ahead)
The other day, upon noticing a hoard of Snuggie-drunk morons posting pictures of themselves on Facebook draped in yards of fleece, I updated my status with the following:
"Jill thinks the Snuggie is the love child of bad ideas and trashy infomercials, but apparently a blanket with sleeves is the second-coming to some people... who knew?"
To which I received these comments:
- "You can't "hate it" until you try it...I swear it's great for reading by the fire...when your arms are just a little too cold!"
- "Charlie* begged for one for Christmas...and he got it!!!"
So I've composed a list of 13 reasons why the Snuggie is possibly the LAMEST gift this side of the Chia Pet. Please to enjoy.
1) When you put it on, you look like this...
2) It's about as provocative as a flannel nightgown... which is to say, you will NEVER have sex again
3) The Snuggie is just a robe... but backwards... and less flattering
4) Answering the phone while covered with a blanket is not a difficult task. Nor is, say, watching television, knitting, cuddling, or reading...If you have trouble doing any of the aforementioned, perhaps your problems are bigger than those solved by adding sleeves to an already functioning object...
5) Comfort is never a good excuse (see: Crocs)
6) Long sleeved shirts provide the same solution and won't mortify friends and family members when worn in public
7) Any garment that has a cult following should be avoided
8) Wearing, covering with, or generally participating in, anything for the sake of matching your dog should be ruled a crime against humanity
8.5) Dogs have fur. No Snuggie required.
9) It's called a "Snuggie"... does anyone else have a problem with this? Is baby talk a widely accepted marketing tool now?
10) The competition is called "The Slanket"... enough said
11) If you are able to complete your Christmas shopping at the local drug store, and you do NOT belong to a family of prescription drug abusers, you are a terrible gift giver
12) There is something fundamentally wrong with anything that claims to be One Size Fits All
13) It's a "blanket"... "with sleeves"... The Snuggie is the biggest scam pulled on the American public since Dry Cleaning
To those of you who have decided to drink the kool-aid and are happily reading this wrapped in an As Seen On TV fleece-tastrophe, I ask, why stop there? Perhaps flipping a light switch has become daunting and clapping is the perfect solution. Maybe you're bored with your regular old house plants and you long for shrubbery that resembles an array of zoo animals or cartoon characters. Rest easy knowing that some chode is out there right now counting his millions, as his sinister chuckle echoes throughout the palace you helped pay for. And you, my friend, are at home in the fashion-free zone looking like a gihungus ass-hat for the low low price of just $14.95...