Sunday, December 20, 2009

I complain on Sundays...

A gaggle of gripes to satiate your craving for the bitter within me... Don't act like you're not excited...

Today's topic?

The Celeb-utant or Those Who Are Famous For Being Famous...

I'm okay with the concept of fame. I fully support and covet the very idea of it. I feel that, in the absence of actual royalty, America has adopted it's own hierarchy of nobility know simply as "The Celebrity". I take no issue with this.

That said, it is my personal opinion that this distinction of power must be earned. In these United States we do not acquire such a title simply by being born into a famous blood line. We must have some sort of marketable skill. Some special gift to offer the world. Something, anything, that sets us apart from the common folk. I'm speaking of talent, mostly. Whether it be on stage, on screen, in the recording studio, in the sports arena, design, invention, intelligence, artistic vision... really, I'm not picky... Just give me something.

Or don't... Paris Hilton...

What has this one tramp train wreck ever given us? The over-the-shoulder red carpet pose? Some lame cameo in some lamer sitcom? A reality series with Nicole Ritchie called "We're Actually Mentally Deficient and We'll Prove It"?

Really? Are these the standards by which our royalty is determined?

Paris Hilton has done nothing redeemable in her 28 years. And people are handing her movie roles! Handing them to her! And she has a "singing career"...  An actual album has been recorded!

Let me break it down for you Hollywood... the bitch's daddy owns some hotels... And she's a huge whore bag...The End...

And then there's Speidi...

Dear sweet mother of all that is pure and holy... Spencer and Heidi Pratt...

The fact that I even know their names irritates me. WHO ARE THESE POSERS?!?!?! AND WHERE DID THEY COME FROM?!?!?!?!

They tell me Heidi Montag was besties with L.C. back in Laguna Beach... however, I watched EVERY episode because I'm a HUGE Reality TV slut, and I fail to recall seeing her even once. Perhaps she was hired to star in The Hills because they thought a dirty clown hooker would up the ratings? Oh, and wait for it... Heidi Montag also has a singing career. Apparently there was a 2 for 1 special on trashy slut karaoke singers at "We Won't Even Put This Album In The Stores, Records" What I do know is this... Heidi Montag-Pratty can suck a huge fatty...

And Spencer...

What is there even to say? He's friends with Brody Jenner. That's what he has to hang his hat on... (don't even get me started on Brody Jenner) And that's where I run out of information on this GIHUNGUS TOOL BOX! Absolutely NO redeeming qualities, NO talent, NO sense, NO evidence of any sort of moral compass, NO attractive features. I. Don't. Get. It.

Then there's this:

It's real. I saw it at Barnes & Noble... and then I immediately dropped to the floor, hugged my knees against my chest, and waited for The Apocalypse. Perhaps a more fitting title would have been "How to be a Completely Worthless Fame Whore"

In this age of reality shows and tabloid scrutiny, I realize that fame is not wrapped in the same package it used to be... Instead of Frank Sinatras we have American Idols. Instead of Humphrey Bogarts and Lauren Bacalls we have Jon and Kate Gosselins. Our vision has been skewed, our senses overwhelmed, our standards obliterated.

But with all that, I'm still gonna require some talent. Until then, you are dead to me. (I'm looking at you Octo-mom)


  1. Love this shout out at the end to Octo-Mom. I would at least like her to admit the Botox in her lips because she is not Angelina Jolie.

  2. That was a good rant to read first thing monday morning :) Totally agree...makes me angry that I work my 9-5 job to make pennies when I could just be ridiculous (or lucky) and be a millionaire. Maybe I should buy that book and give it a try? You game?

  3. ahahahhahhahaha!!!

    You are too funny. Thanks for the much needed laugh on a Monday morning.

  4. The sad and simple fact is that I almost...ALMOST... considered purchasing How To Be Famous just to see what they had to say for themselves. But then I thought better of supporting these shananagans...

  5. great post. paris hilton is O.V.E.R. and has been for quite some time. she just implants herself on red carpets and in dramas with b-friends to get on TMZ, or Huffington Post. i think Japan likes her more than the US does. speidi is, well, i have no words for them. i have written enough about them on my blog. they are smart, though. they have learned how to use the hollywood machine to make money and gain notoriety, whether it is good or bad, and they don't care about the bad publicity. Lo is LC's best friend from Laguna Beach. heidi was in a few episodes in '05 {like one at LC's pool during LC's break home from college-i think}, but got the big break in the Hills. Mtv found Audrina sunbathing in Vegas, or something, and asked her to be on the show. Fake show? i think so. take care.

  6. Oh curse the Octo-Mom. I got sick at the mere mention of her! Bleah! But you are sooo right! what did any of these people actually DO???

  7. Heidi & Spencer...oy vey. They are more annoying & gross than Pee-Wee Herman. And just exactly what are they "famous" for?? ugh.

  8. I. Adore. You.

    Preach it sister. PREACH IT!

    I have talent though, I have to admit...which is why I'm not famous yet. But, I'm on chapter 3, so I'm on my way.


    Dear God, totally kidding.