Sunday, December 13, 2009

I complain on Sundays...

A gaggle of gripes to satiate your craving for the bitter within me... Don't act like you're not excited...

My city is beautiful...the buildings are not...

Seattle is a magical city, there is no question. Perched comfortably in the northwest corner of the country with it's majestic mountain ranges, lush greenery, breathtaking water views, there is no city like it in the entire world. A metropolis set in an abundance of agriculture.





We have history, we have culture, we have art, we have underground cities, we have crazy spazzed-out street performers, we have Space Needles and Public Markets, we have forests and beaches, we have islands and ferry boats, we have coffee and coffee and computers and coffee. And apparently, we have mentally challenged and presumably blind architects...



This is "The Hammering Man"... a more creative title, I could not produce...


Since 1992, this sculpture's arm has "hammered" four times per minute from 7 a.m. to 10 p.m. every day, with Labor Day being his only vacation. It is 48 feet tall and weighs 26,000 pounds. It cost Seattle taxpayers $46,000 to fix his arm when it broke a few years ago, not to mention the daily cost of operation... Listen, I'm all for "representing the American worker" and "art" and "sculpture" but really? A giant two-dimensional hammering man? REALLY?


In 2000 this came along...



The Experience Music Project or "EMP"... I'm not kidding... this is a building in Seattle... bought and payed for by the co-brainchild of Microsoft itself, Paul Allen...

Is it perhaps vomit from the mouth of Sir Hammering Man, you say? A tragic accident involving a virgin architect, a plate of garbage, a spill, and a stack of blueprints?... No, no... this was intentional. It was meant to look like a smashed guitar... FROM THE SKY... But it's hard to see from the sky when you're not a bird or an alien or an angel, so instead it's just THE MOST EXPENSIVE, GOD AWFUL, CRINGE INDUCING EYE SORE EVER BUILT! Thanks Paul!

And as if the EMP paved the way for Seattle atrocities, in 2004 we awoke to this...


 

What is it, you ask? Why it's the Seattle Public Library... The rhyme or reason is beyond me. Harsh angles without function. Solid glass with visable criss-cross metal framework. Useless overhangs and slopes. What the FRENCH was the inspiration here? Oh, but wait, there's more... inside this elementary school geometrical art project is a maze of ramps and stairs and escalators and confusion. No logical order, a Dewey Decimal System unrecognizable to the common man, and then there's the paint color... said to stimulate memory, but really only stimulating nausea and vertigo...






The acne covered 15 year old standing behind the Home Depot paint counter without any sense about him could have, in all likelihood, found a more cohesive and less offensive color palate.


I love my city... I really, really do. In my 30 years, I have moved away three times. And every time this stunning place I call home beckons me back. But in all it's liberal beauty, where the fine line between art and vomit is blurred, the questions remains... Is love really blind, or just conditionally forgiving? And how much more can I take?

6 comments:

  1. wow! seattle is on my list of places to see. thanks for showing me what NOT to see. i can't imagine anyone would be comfortable reading in that library. i'm all for modern architecture, but that "EMP" is horrible! i haven't seen dot to the i. thanks for the suggestion and i will check it out.

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  2. As you were describing your city, I thought wow it sounds a lot like San Francisco. Then you went on with the art and buildings. Now, not so much. But definitely worth seeing in person just so you can say..."Wow....really?"

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  3. Wow, that EMP is really something. I love Seattle. Great town, but you're right, you all need to hire some new architects!

    Thanks for stopping my blog. I'm digging yours too!

    Alex aka Ma What's For Dinner?
    www.MaWhats4Dinner.com

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  4. gooooosh, i really love seattle- i WILL live there one day, period.

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  5. ah yes, leave it to my hometwon to come up with some freakish buildings...gotta love it!

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  6. That library looks like something I saw on acid once...

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