In the spirit of Mama Kat's Writers Workshop this week, I decided to dig out some old "journals" from my teens. I called them journals, because keeping a "diary" was so juvenille, and I obviously was far too sophisticated for that. Much to my dismay, upon flipping through the countless pages of emo-licious entries, I found one common theme...
boys boys boys boys boys b-o-i-s boyz boys boys boys boys BOYS...
It seems that between the ages of 13 and 20 (er... 27) the ONLY real thing that consumed me was the nagging, constant, incessant need for the fellas. Nary a word about school, hardly a mention of extra-curricular activities (of which I know I was a part of), a few tidbits here and there about girlfriends, or brothers, or fights with my mom. But really, what suffocated the essence of my meager existence was the unending search for and crushing aftermath of... "love" (or what I thought love was circa the 90's).
To be fair to myself, and justify this mess of co-dependence a smidge, by the age of 13 my biological father had kicked me out in favor of his third wife, and my step-father, who had basically raised me since 4 years of age had just left us to run off with his slutty mistress... i.e. I had me some Daddy Issues like whoa...
That said, here are some exerpts from a spattering of my favorite and surely most mortifying entries...
"Aaron dumped me today. My world is over. I can't even show my face at school... But Jon did look at me and smile in the hall by my locker before lunch. I can't wait to see him tomorrow!"
"Alex is such a hottie. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone EVER. I wonder if he even notices me."
"Casey's being awesome again. I talked to Gabe last weekend. Oh!!!! And Erick (HOTTIE) was at the game last night. Ooooooo what a stud!"
"I HAVE MET THE MAN OF MY DREAMS!!!! He's SO awesome! His name is Trevor and he's 17 and he's a millionaire and he's got THE BEST body! He's funny and amazing and I want to marry him!"
"On Sunday Gabe and I went to his house and cuddled all tangled up in each other. I love it when we do that!"
09/22/95 (note: 4 days later)
"...And then we go to a party and there are SO many fine guys there. This one guy, Brant, he's a Calvin Klein model*... He will be the father of my children!"
*pretty sure I made that up
And it just goes on and on and on and on and on like this for 14 years...
So, to all the boys out there that had to suffer at the heavy hand of my teenage fantasies, to you I say I'm sorry. I'm sorry for pinning all my hopes of junior high and high school fairytales on your shoulders. I'm sorry that none of you could, apparently, hold my attention for more than a week. And I'm sorry that you will forever be remembered by me as the soulless, vapid, heartbreakers of my youth. I hope that one day, very soon, I will be so famous and delicious and untouchable that you'll find it hard to sleep at night knowing you had a very real chance at a life of happiness with me and YOU BLEW IT!!!!! I HOPE IT BURNS LIKE THE HADES!!!!
And again... sorry
5 months ago