Thursday, October 29, 2009

Boo!... ya!

I have a paralyzing and completely logical fear of monkeys, of which my friends have forever exploited. I see monkeys for what they are: hairy, man eating, devil beasts that do nothing but scream and brutally attack the innocent. That said, my "friends" have spent the better part of 30 years buying me screaming stuffed monkeys, monkey birthday cards, throwing monkey toys at me in public places, taking me to movies filled with Satan monkeys... you get the picture.

I will admit that my fears have gotten a smidge irrational over the years. For instance, at night, when I go out to my car, I often have to start running for fear there may be a monkey chasing me. And sometimes, there are noises I hear outside that I'm certain belong to a gang of wild baboons on a man hunt. While I know in my right and logical mind that the odds of a blood sucking monkey parade marching down my back alleyway are slim to none, it has crossed my mind on occasion.

My terror surrounding primates is not unfounded, however. There are several reported incidents that have led me by the hand right into this dark, monkey-fearing, abyss.

My boyfriend's niece, who is 3, says she doesn't like to go outside at night because the monkeys might get her... This is not my doing. She came up with this all on her own. And kids work off instinct. I call that Exhibit A.

Exhibit B- The number of Hollywood films that use monkeys as the "fear factor" could fill an airplane hanger.

And finally, my closing argument. A few Halloween's ago some friends convinced me to go to a Haunted House with them. After much resistance, I told them I would go, but that if there was a monkey in the Haunted House, I was allowed to pee in my pants without ridicule AND they each owed me a cocktail afterward. They agreed. They also laughed at me and said that there was NO way there would be a monkey in a Haunted House. That people aren't scared of monkeys, only I am scared of monkeys... Upon entering said Haunted House we were faced with the following options Door #1 covered in "blood" or Door #2 covered in "cobwebs". They chose Door #1. And behind Door #1 there stood a GIANT GORILLA-MONKEY WIELDING A CHAINSAW, SCREAMING AND CHASING US INTO THE NEXT ROOM...

They dropped me off at home a few hours later drunk, trembling, and in need of a clean pair of pants.


  1. Even baby ones though?? Monkeys with chainsaws, yes. But baby monkeys?? Have you no heart?

  2. You are neither the first nor the ZILLIONTH person to assure me the "baby ones" are innocent and adorable... The "baby ones" are smaller versions of the big ones. The "baby ones" will scratch your eyes out. The "baby ones" get you to let your guard down thinking they are just so schmoopy whoopy and next thing you know you've lost a chunk of skin and gained Ebola...