Tuesday, September 29, 2009

When did I stop being 25? And why wasn't I consulted?

Today I am 30... and instead of this heart-wrenching milestone leaving me with overwhelming sense that I have found some of the answers, I am left only with questions. Here are a wee few of them:

1) Were The Beatles considered a "boy band"? And if so, does that mean that my ongoing obsession with N*Sync is technically considered socially acceptable?

2) When exactly do I have to cease shopping in the Junior's Department? And when do I become that sad woman that sales people assume is shopping for her pre-teen daughter until she heads to the fitting rooms with a gaggle of ill-fitting skinny jeans and inappropriate graphic T's?

3) How embarrassed should I be when I buy wrinkle cream  and acne medication simultaneously? And haven't I paid my penance to the weekly 13 year old pubescent boy break outs? Seriously?

4) Am I allowed to audition for The Biggest Loser if I only have 10lbs. to lose? I'm not really interested in a lifestyle change... just one good week with a Rocco Dispirito cooking lesson and a Jillian Michaels ass kicking. I'm happy to weigh in and promptly be voted off.

5) If my mom is 60 and looks 45, is it safe to assume through deductive reasoning that I, in fact, look 15? I mean, we share DNA, that counts? Right?

6) Since I didn't graduate from college until I was 28, does that mean I get 8 more years to establish some sort of stable career? And procure a "pot to piss in", as it were?

7)And finally, how much is too much when it comes to eating frosting... with a spoon... out of the jar... in bed... while crying...?

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Speaking of Privilege...

To: Lola
Sent: 9/6/09

I looked online to discover that they have canceled the show Privileged. I'm blaming the War in Afghanistan, the javalinas, and the guy who ripped out my wisdom teeth, so that my anger is not directed at the innocent.

To: Jill
Received: 9/6/09

I know. I heard that a few weeks ago. I shall join u in ur anger. And add to the mix the person who invented 6 o'clock in the morning.

To: Lola
Sent: 9/6/09

And the suburbs... Probably the same guy.

To: Jill
Received: 9/6/09

No doubt. And the person who decided the name Maureen was an acceptable title.

To: Lola
Sent: 9/6/09

LMAO. And that's saying something since the four gaping wounds in my grill throb with every chuckle.

I want to live the fabulous life and instead I live this one...

I've spent the past week holed up in my mother's guest room recovering from quite possibly the most masochistic adventure I've ever signed up for... the removal of the wisdom teeth. I have laid here day after day, hour after hour, four gaping holes in my gums, the pain of a thousand hells, alone with my own thoughts, two seasons of Gossip Girl and a variety of fashion and celebrity gossip magazines. And what this experience has taught me? Is that I want to live the fabulous life... and instead I live this one. This average, plain, shitty-jobbed, suburban life.

I've always thought there was something marvelous out there for me. Always. I moved to New York when I was 18 to find it. I left, alone and defeated. I moved to Phoenix when I was 21 to find it. The only thing I found in the desert is Satan and the fiery heat of his own personal Devil Star. And here I am. 29. Mouth throbbing, medical receptionist job looming, fabulous life nowhere in sight.

And I am aware that submerging myself in hours of Upper East Side privilege and hundreds of pages of Vogue photo spreads whilst marinating in self-pity was quite possibly the worst idea I've ever had, but that said, the bitches in Gossip Girl didn't even have to work for their fabulous lives. It was all handed to them. And I wasn't born to be 5'10" and 110 lbs, with legs up to my neck and flawless bone structure. I'm just me dammit, and all I'm saying is I deserve a chance to live the fucking fabulous life!

Now someone hand me a rhinoplasty and an auditon time.